Did this work Mattilyn

228

Basketball wives redeemed itself today until a human being called another human being worthless.  And thought it was okay.  Hot mess maybe but worthless?  Nothing more needs to be said about that.

A dear friend told me I needed to do some serious housecleaning in the men department if I wanted my king.  Operation Clean Sweep is in effect!  I realize I have resistance to this concept.  But I agree with the concept abut 80 percent.

227

I cleaned up and am not expecting house guests or visitors!!!  Change is in the air henny!!!

226

lesson for the day
maybe start writing your blog BEFORE the end of the day

225 Random

Chealsea Handler is hilarious
My mother is the funniest person I know
I cut all my hair off
I think I am finally turning the scale in a positive direction a time when loosing is winning
My house is getting clean and I am getting organized
I feel hopeful about life
I want to paint
I have a dull headache
I want new lamps in my room

224 Today I'm Remembering Daddy

My dad passed, transitioned, whatever you want to call it, six years ago today.  I was having a little resistance celebrating this fact with my family members today.  My aunt is the gatekeeper for our family.  At 80 when she 'transitions' what will happen?  When I told her I didn't think I could make it she replied, "please..." and my heart melted.  In the melting process some sadness for my daddy seeped in.  I found myself crying sitting in the second pew of the church that he and his brothers and sisters grew up in.  I looked around at all the reminders of him, his two grand-nephews were the light torch boys (can't remember the word), nieces singing in the the choir.  I motioned to my cousin Rhonda who is a trustee and rock of the church for a tissue. "You got a stuffy nose?"  I poked my lip out.  Daddy was all around yet missing.  My mother stood up to give greetings and seemed particularly playful.  Not a usual characteristic of hers. My father was the jester of the two.  He took unusual joy in embarrassing his family members at events like this.  At one "Rochester Church Day" in his yearly introduction of 10 brothers and sisters and their children and children's children, he mused at a 'new' cousin.  "Oh you a new one!" As the church rustled and cousins looked around at the offspring of a brothers discretion that was being introduced to the church at the same time they were being introduced to the family.  Or he would have me stand and make some snide comment about how he was taking applications for duly employed sons or nephews of church members on my behalf.   My mother stood a little unsteady at first and leaned on the pew in front of her for support.  She started with, "I am the former widow of Bishop Enoch B Rochester" 'Former widow?' I watched her and wondered what would emerge from her lips next.  She went on talking about how she loved the church that had raised her husband and how kind they were and what she said next had me awestruck.  "...And this is my daughter and she needs a husband, so if anyone can help...."  The church erupted in laughter as I shook my head.  My father somehow managed to take hold of my mothers mouth and give a dig to me to let me know, he is and always will be with me.  

223 MY PRAYER

Now I lay me down to sleep...I pray my over 1,000 'friends' on facebook take a few moments out of there busy lives to vote for an opportunity for me to be on Mad Men.  I also pray that they don't just click the link that says "like" because that doesn't mean that they have voted.  I pray that they follow the directions and sign in on the link in the upper hand left hand corner and then go back to the link and click VOTE under my angelic photo. Amen

it's easy to VOTE:

1) Click onto the linkhttp://madmencastingcall.amctv.com/browse/detail/3cffa8e3f990c15461f29e61b86163678b873d63

2) Go to LOGIN [in the top right corner of the page]

3) Register to vote by clicking the facebook symbol

4) Then go to to the VOTE Button under my picture.

222

I cooked some amazing peanut stew and curry chicken today.  It felt good to have friends over to commune.  I still have lots to do.  Mood:  pensive

221

it was a good day and I'm still doing my morning pages.  went out, always meet amazing people when I go out.

220 of 365 WRITERS RETREAT

I had an AMAZING weekend.  Haven't had one like this in a LONG time.  My time was spent writing for 12 hours (not all writing) with an amazing artist named April Yvette Thompson.  She is patient, clear and actually helped me in places that I need help.  I learned from mistakes in fear that I made and I, for the first time in a long time, could actually hold the vision that I will publish a book one day soon.  I saw a possible path; a way.  I have always known my stories are rich and insatiable but beyond my friends and the few people I meet on my path I have never felt diciplined enough or organized enough to bring my stories to a larger audience; the world.  She made this possible.  We all know that we need to hold a positive intention, focus or attitude.  What I also know is that in those intention we must also hold a place for the angels in human form who make it a part of their larger vision to assist others along the way, ya know like pay it forward type stuff.  I am grateful that I took the time to nourish myself this weekend.  I will be able to nourish others.  Got to put my mask on first (if you fly you know what I'm talkin bout)

219 of 365 Seeking Success

‎"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." - Joseph Campbell


This is an interesting statement.  I have been told over and over that I am funny.  Doing stand up is such a frightening endeavor.  What I am learning is that by facing that fear I may indeed be finding that which I ultimately seek.  This statement reminded me of this fact and I am grateful.  


Tomorrow I begin a silent two day writing endeavor.  With so many brilliant ideas surging through me this will give me an opportunity to silence the lambs and focus on birthing one so that I can make room for the many other ideas that are begging for life.  I need a mid-wife!!!  lol!!  I am very excited and cant wait to see what God decides will come forward in the next two days.  

218 of 365 Finally

I finally have an audition that I am excited about.  Part of working as an actor is, well, WORKING.  Not all of the jobs are fun, they are creative and exciting in the way that you are getting paid to do something you love doing BUT I have been longing for a project that makes me excited.  I have not booked the job yet but the prospect of the job is so exciting.  It is fun, about relationship, and the dates and times work and are a perfect fit for my life right now.  The money could be better but I am excited to sink my teeth into this one.  I am also excited that I am taking a 2 day, SILENT writing retreat. AND I am getting tested tomorrow for ADHD.  People have joked with me saying I have ADD and I finally decided to check it out.  I don't actually think I have ADD but boy I would love to finish my book. FOCUS!  Finally some movement!

217 of 365 Are you there Vodka....?

I am in LOVE with this book.  If anyone hasn't noticed I have been in a bit of a huff.  In my intention to live a joy filled life I decided that AFTER my pity party (gotta have a pity party) I would read last night.  I bout the book at the airport over a month ago and started reading in earnest last night.  I decided that I had enough of the self help books that I love so much but never seem to finish and opted for some idiot relief.  And what a genius of an idiot she is.  I literally laughed out loud on the train today while reading it.  She is brilliantly funny and laughter is so healing.  It moves your energy straight up!!!!
In ancient greece they considered humor to be a "gift from God"  and what a joyous gift it is.  Made my day for sure.

The audition went great.  I was asked to read for another part, which made me very happy. The casting director said my read was "perfection"  which means absolutely nothing in the casting world but it was better to hear that than "what the heck were you thinking"  So it was a good day.  And I laughed.  A LOT.  THANKS CHELSEA

216 of 365

Soooooooo.  I have an audition tomorrow and for the first time in a while I am NOT that excited about it.  I have not booked anything in a couple of months and I just am not amped about it.  I wouldn't mind booking it but I don't have the energy to invest and then get the ole let down.  I will go, do my best and forget about it.  I just don't have the energy to care.  And I hate jobs that have me as some old ass servant to someone else. It is a brilliant piece of literature and an opportunity to do what I love so, I'll show up.  High involvement with low attachment to the outcome.  That's what they say, well I have low involvement and low attachment to the outcome.

btw, I am watching Celebrity rehab and it is stressing me out.  Michael Lohan is stressing me, I am about to have a heart condition.  This is too much.  WAtching out of control people is stressful.  

215 of 365

Okay, so I am learning some things about myself.  And rant begins NOW
I CAN'T STAND people who DON'T LISTEN and try to pull attention in class.  It urks my nerves.  They say when you are "upset because...." it is an uncovered personal issue.  When I follow this thought and ask why this bothers me...wait also, while I'm at it, I can't stand when people make spiritual statements that are condesending and full of judgement and opinion and guised in esoteric spiritual prose.....okay back to why.  Why do these things bother me?  Because they feel manipulative.  I got issues with people manipulating (has happened) or trying to manipulate me or others.  It actually enrages me.  I should be more specific but I am a punk...read the book....
I am taking a writers retreat sat-sun and hopefully the book will be coming along.

I will pick up the stand up tape but I think I look God awfully fat so I am not sure I will post it.

I have not been serious about my quest for true-love and marraige.  I have had too many detours and the birthdays keep coming.

I am not happy with my career and think I need to do something BIG but don't know exactly what.  I know I need to shake it up a bit.  I don't promote myself, follow up with cards and letters and I don't go to events and networking opportunites.  I was inspired when I watched the Katie Perry true Hollywood story.  That girl has drive and passion.  I have been at this acting game and love game all my life.  I have failed for over the past 20 years at both. That is more than half my life.  Boy am I determined.

I have been proposed to in the most insulting and unromantic way.....and I considered it.....sheesh...where is the love?

I am sick of people that I wouldn't EVER consider getting the courage to confess there love.  Where is the REAL love.  I am so sick of excuses and drama I find it hard to go out at all.  I am over bars, clubs, parties and social events.  They BORE me.  People BORE me.

I don't miss Japan anymore.  I am thinking about moving to Australia and seeing what the acting scene is like there. I like myself when I travel.  I want to merge the traveling me with the now living in the United States me.

I think that's my truth for the day.   Thanks for listening.  

214

So last night I went out to Serefina with two friends and we met FBI agents!  The best part?  They were human.  I imagined guys like this to be cold and narrow minded in scope, almost roboty, but they were wise, grounded and had such a human feel and there conversation was filled with insight and heart.  It did my soul good, I felt protected in the world.  

213

zumba, lost 1.4 pounds, made two important phone calls.

212

My first day of rest all month and I feel guilty!!!!! Yikes!!!  I rip and run and rip and run and I did nothing today and felt pretty bad about it.  Well I did go to a zumba class, grocery store, juiced and fixed dinner and made a few phone calls and paid a few bills.  But it felt like nothing because there is so much MORE to do.  Books to read, ideas to jot down, projects to finish, people to thank and make contact with, an office to organize, people to call back, appointments to make, so much to do.  So much to do. 

211

I have been informed that I AM SLIPPIN!!!  And I must admit I am!

July 22-29 Houston Texas
July 29th My Birthday and a rainstorm that had our power out for 3 days!!
July 30 MY FIRST! Standup performance and Carolines on Broadway.  A thrilling 5 minutes I must say.  I made a video but I look very fat so I am not sure I will post it.  

210

I am so sleepy I could pee. 

209 This is No Laughing Matter!!

So I am taking a stand up class and I BOMBED!!!  It really is an exciting day.  My ego was a little bruised but it was a big and important day for me because I pushed beyond my fear and just said what was on my mind.  Folks were a little grossed out.  I was amazed to have something so unwell received make me feel so complete on the inside.  Jury is still out if stand up is for me.  I have an amazing amount of respect for comedians it is no joke.  Ha!

208

I could not believe there was a place like Agape in NJ five minutes from my house!!  It really was about 15 minutes but it was great finding this place.  Especially since I go to the church I grew up in and leave mid service because I feel like I am going to get under the pews and roll up and down the isles like I did as a kid.  I learned a lot and really enjoy a church that is less about judgement and damnation and more about how to connect to God.  Praise God!

207

So I have another section to my blog and I am not sure how it works but I am counting that as my day.  But I am really loving the improv class that I am taking at the Upright Citizens Brigade.

206 of 365

So I have not been writing.....what have I been doing?  Eating.  All over the world.  I am actually getting fat but I have been having a good time doing it.

205

So I learned that I have the power of manifestation.  I can say I want something and usually within a couple of hours it happens.  This has happened when thinking of someone or a parking space and even with projects or things I want to accomplish.  I am starting to think it can happen for larger things.  For the highest good of all concerned.  

204 0f 365

So today was a big day in a very small day in my life.  Somehow in the small things I did today I felt a shift, a powerful shift.  We shall see.  

203 of 365

I have taken a short break because I was feeling uninspired and uninspiring.  I know that I am a hundred and something days shy of my 365 day commitment so I am back.


There are many things that have inspired me over the past few weeks though.  One was a person.  Margaret Motheral.  She is da bomb diggity!  Those who are brave and inclined for a dose of spiritual counseling check her out her website.  I love it when people are so connected to spirit that the same God that speaks to you speaks to them.  Like I've have several friends that are ministers and they have been told by women, "God told me that you were my beloved"  they are like, "wow God didn't tell me that, musta missed that memo"  The 'God' Maggie speaks to and the one I speak to must have really good secretaries because her insights are so profoundly spot on that I feel she is really tapping in and assisting me in releasing the needless bull crap that is some story I have attached to.  The story serves me in no way, other than something that happened to me in the past, something I experienced.  But really how attached am I to my story.  Especially if it doesn't serve me in any way.  Why do we make "things" mean something???????

202

You will find yourself refreshed by the presence of cheerful people. Why not make earnest effort to confer that pleasure on others? Half the battle is gained if you never allow yourself to say anything gloomy.

~Lydia M. Child


I love being around joyful people.  My spirit expands and I am filled with joy.  When I am around a dreary person I want to make it better or I wanna get away from them as fast as I can.  

201

ugh

200

Time to book a job.  

199

I cant find my toothbrush and I have eaten over 53 points today.  You receive 29 and I ate 53, well I guess the good thing is that I at least wrote it all down ....okay 65 I think this has been a challenge.  Whenever hunger is not the problem I am aware that food is not the issue.  So what is????  I must push forward.  AND stop eating so much!

198 of 365

Okay so I am diligently on this quest to live in my light/zone of genius more and more each day.  This should be interesting. 

197

So I am thinking about the me I wanna be, she is the me deep in me that I monitor and hold back.  Reading THE BIG LEAP by Gay Hendricks is helping me see that I am working in the zone of comfort and not my zone of genius when being small for any reason.  I am going to have to be a more loving but not as nice version of myself.  

196

Sigh.  Growing pains.  Creating boundaries.  Life is good and it will be even better, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.  

195

Okay my intention is honesty and personal integrity; to write with that or not at all.  So.......
My day basically sucked because I didn't listen to myself.  I ended up with a migraine and in bed.
I spoke to so many departments in the DMV in the efforts to try and recover my license to no avail.  California's laws are not the same as New Jersey's and blah blah.  With all that we can do in our advanced technological society I am amazed that to agencies can not confirm that I am a licensed driver.  5 hours later.........Done talking about that

I went online and saw some photo's from the opening of Ruined and I felt a pang in the center of my soul.  I felt like Cinderella left home from the ball.  I felt small and I felt lost.  The feeling didn't last long only when I think of that play and how much I wanted to be a part of the production.  Sometimes when you don't get a part it is easy to loose your way and it takes some doing to know you are still who you are.  In the performing field if you are not grounded this can be scary.  It's like sometimes you get picked to play kickball and sometimes you don't.  If you loose yourself or gain yourself according to outside circumstances or happenings you are in for a roller coaster ride.  Lesson learned, internal grounding still in process but still.  I mean, can a sista get a break?

Lessons in love still coming.  I am changing and thank God for that.  

194

I realize that my posts have been pretty shabby lately.  In Japan there was so much externally new and exciting and while stateside things are just as new and exciting but much more personal.  I realize there is a bit of difficulty in revealing all that occurs with me, miracles indeed, on a daily basis because well it is personal.  I am very much aware of outside opinions and judgements so I monitor and curtail so much that it almost snuffs the writing outta me!!!!

I was told by my lovely assistant and help-mate (not in the gay sense) that I have some of the best relationships that she has ever witnessed.  This touched me profoundly and I second guess sharing these beautiful moments for fear that people will not understand.  I am working on it....

193

happy talk keep talking happy talk

192

There are two books that I have mentioned that I need to finish.  CALLING IN THE ONE and THE BIG LEAP. 

193

I want that job!!!!

192

It has been a while since I have allowed my energy to mix.  My intention is to hold in the light of who I am today.  As much and as long as I can.  

191

So mom is out of the hospital and roaring and ready to go.  Those IV bags must have a bit of get up and go in em.  I on the other hand an exhausted.  But relieved.

190

Momma's in the hospital.  Makes me think of "The Big Leap"  Good events don't have to be followed by a tragic one. But this shift of consciousness takes time.  Today was a challenging one but momma is going to be fine and I will be fine as well.  

SATURDAY, MAY 14, 2011 189

I have missed sooooooooo many days!!!  Oooooooo talk about tired.  Talk about proud and happy.  I was dreading yesterday and I don't know why.  I had an amazing day and I am so proud of myself for bringing an idea to life.  My cousin and I talked about throwing a party to celebrate my mom.  My dad used to always say, 'gimmie my flowers befo I die' and that is what I wanted to do.  I have so much going on in my life and she wasn't confident that I would be able to follow my good intentions with action.  Truth be told neither was I.  But I am sick and tired of letting my intentions and ideas go by the wayside.  I wanted to reach up and grab one idea and see it through.  Just start and finish something again.  Not that I haven't started or finished many things, I have but the starting and finishing an idea is much different than the start and finish of something structured and established.  All that to say, minus the caterer, my mother's birthday celebration was everything that my heart intended and it feels very good inside.  My assistant was a dream and we worked seamlessly together on one accord and pulled off a wonderful celebration of life.

Don't ever use   American Traditional Caterers.  I absolutely loved them until the day of the event when they showed up 30 minutes before the opening of the doors with excuses, burnt some of the appetizers, and then refused to refund any portion of my money after starting almost an hour late and causing guests to wait for food is unacceptable.  Excuses are all he gave.

There was a classmate from her high school days, neighbors, colleagues from work, church, sorority and service organizations,  friends and a host of family members who paused to give my momma her flowers in the joy and grace of her life.  She was gracious and moved everyone with her heartfelt thank you at the end.  It was a great day.  I am proud and happy.  I feel like I have come full circle with my mother, not a small feat.  To make peace with your mother....to heal, to love and fully appreciate a mothers love is key.  I think I have finally unlocked the mystery of love.  Interesting to see what happens next. 

188

Coughed all day in bed all night.  Highly medicated and so much to do but realizing that I must figure out a way to not  "oooo I can't wait til this party is over" and connect with the spirit of why I decided to throw the party in the first place and know that the most important thing has already occurred.  I have bought people together to celebrate an amazing woman, my mom.  She is an incredible human being and I am so grateful for this time we have together.  My life has come full circle and I can see the blessings and foundation of my past and  am ready to soar, I was built to soar.  I owe it to myself and my family to soar.  So I pray for rest so that I can joyfully celebrate my moms life! 

187

A good nights rest does wonders for a weary soul.  Now to begin visualizing the life I will be living.  I am living it now. 

186

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Find your center and breathe. 

185

Are you there God its me Mattilyn?

184

Either it is not right yet or I am doing something wrong. 

183

TODAYS LESSON

Trust yourself more.
Do something that scares you everyday.  

182

I am working on many things.  

Healing in Progress 181 of 365

This one is gonna be quick.  I am tired and haven't really been blogging everyday!  Oh my!  I am having a garage sale saturday, oh my so much energy moving about.  Ready to shed the past and still hold on to precious memories.  I know there is a way to do both.  The past keeps coming forward and my question is a complicated one.  I know the answer is probably simpler than it seems.  AS I write this I know the answer.  It is simple, follow your heart.  The following out this simple instruction is where the complications come in.  I simply am ready to close doors of painful pasts; hurts, betrayals, anger, confusion (no not all of it but I am talking about that part of it) and welcome love.  I heard the instruction today; just chill, wait for the clearing, be patient, clear, clean, sing.  There is a restlessness in this house, from the opening of attics, boxes, pictures, the moving of 40 year old furniture.  Maybe some prayers and sage are in order.  Healing in progress.  

180

hmmmmmmm

179

You must go see I AM the film by Tom Shadyac.

I am changing and I like it.

I am single AND I am happy.

I am receptive to all the love that surrounds me.

I am grateful that I am beginning to see the light.

I am extremely talented.

I am grateful to have known the love of my mother and father.

I am grateful for love. 

Singing, Suicide and other Big Leaps 178

So I have been reading this book by Gay Hendricks called THE BIG LEAP.  Get into it.  I was tense all day.  A sort of anticipation, feeling that there is more I can do and pondering the question that Hendrick's poses.  Do we reach a point of success and then throw it away by sabotage of some sort?  Do we find love and then somehow mess it up?  He brings up the point of Bill Clinton as a young man taking a tour of the oval office and declaring that he would one day live in the white house.  How powerful our thoughts and dreams can be BUT on the flip side how when we get it, how our thoughts and actions can light a fire to all of our dreams.  Heavy stuff.  I was thinking of all the positive loving things that have been said to me in the musical theatre forum and how I felt more and more uneasy with every positive word.  Would I be as good next week?  Will I be able to keep it up?  Will I be found out as a fraud?  What if all my talent is really just a fluke?  And so was my day, a difficult one of my choosing.  I read on, in the doctors office, taking mental breaks to absorb this new thought.  I get to the train station, not satisfied with my musical choices for the class, overcome with stress about how terrible I will be today.  And then my day really starts.  As I am running to the train, I hear a voice, "No need to run, there's body parts all over the tracks, you are going to be here for a while."  My stress grew into a panic.  'VP said not to be late! Not to miss anymore classes.  Is it worth it to go to class if I am late and going to make a bad impression?' I wait and wait and look at the screen full of "delayed".  A train opens up I hesitate, 'maybe I shouldn't get on, maybe I will be stuck on the train, maybe I won't get to New York until 10 and the class will be over, maybe' Good for me the train didn't move for another 20 minutes.  Something told me to go, then something else told me to stay.  Oh boy.  Finally I get on the train, my mood no better.  I make it to class and learn two things.  Class started late and the casting director was also late.  Everyone was so happy to see me and what is my response?  Gratitude?  Appreciation?  No!  Of course not, more self doubt.  On the train ride home, I read more and thought more.  I am bull crapping my way through.  Sure I risk, but not enough.  Sure, I try but not hard enough.  I breathed in the new consciousness and made a decision to allow for the possibility that I can have a successful and happy life in the zone of my own genius.  That I can have love AND a career, AND good health, AND a family, AND abundance, AND joy all around me all the time.  It really is all around me all the time anyway.  What a day.  I took my first of many steps into the world of constant joy.  And I can stand it.  I just have to breath, just breathe.  

177

amazing day yesterday.  warm and fuzzy day today.  an even better one expected tomorrow.  will tell details soon.

176

I should have stayed in bed all day today.  Goodness. 

175

I don't remember the last time I stayed in bed ALL DAY LONG.  I actually feel a WHOLE lot better.  Wow.  I am at a loss.  I feel so guilty but think it was necessary.  I have been a bit stressed out and since I don't think I will be able to swing the trip to Paris with a dear friend next month, I think a day alone in bed will have to suffice.  Unless I am blessed with a buddy pass.  

Migraines Part Duex 174

What is a migraine?

A migraine isn’t just a bad headache. It’s an intense, throbbing pain. Some people also become nauseous and sensitive to light and sound. Many researchers agree that a migraine occurs when swollen blood vessels around the brain press on nearby nerves, causing pain. But it’s not clear what causes this to happen.

Migraines are not all the same. Most of them occur without warning. But some people do get early signs such as:

• Numbness or tingling in their lips, face, or hands
• Weakness in their arms or legs
• Difficulty focusing

173 of 365

Okay I have been blogging for 173 days straight give or take a few mishaps here and there.  Roughly half a year.  Wow I am impressed with myself.

Today I met an amazing, honest casting director in VP Boyle's Musical Theater Forum.  I am learning so much.  Most of all I am learning that I should stop being surprised at people's response to me.  I guess if I worked more I wouldn't be so surprised.  I need the affirmations.  I would be lying if I said I didn't.  They encourage me to continue on in this crazy business that I love so much.  Somehow I am aware that work and outward success are important to me.  I know it is not everything but it sure helps.  I do this work not solely for those things, the primary reason that I perform is that I LOVE it.  I am most alive when performing.  Again, not solely, there are other things that bring me this joy and satisfaction but this is what I want as my occupation.  And then there is this desire to help others.  Being an artists helps uplift and can shift and shape the world and I love spiritual work.  I love assisting people on a personal level and I love the process of watching someone's light switch turn on inside there soul as they realize the beauty and magic that is them.  This is why I am going to actively begin coaching whoever would like the opportunity to grow in this way with me.  Let the doors of the church open.  The Dr. is in!

172

Something is wrong with my computer!!!!! OOOOOOOOOh noooooooooooo

171

It is difficult to witness people you love go through things that you have no control over.  It is also difficult because  I want to be there for my friends but I am upset about their pain, it scares me.

I am thinking about the worlds suggestion that I be a life coach.  I wonder if I can help others and still pursue my performance dreams.  They both are my loves; performance and spiritual growth.  How do I marry the two?

Happy Birthdays 170 of 365

I did a lot of driving today.  I am tired and I am happy to be cold and in my bed.  For some reason the heat wont work and its cold.  But I am still happy to be home.

My Aunt Shirley turned 70 today and I was so happy for her.  So many people love her, over 200 people showed up to celebrate.  I just love gatherings.  They are life!  I wish I would have taken some pictures to post, it was a good time.  I can recall all of the times over the years I have been with my cousins, weddings, funerals, parties, illnesses and holidays.  The little cousins are replacing me and my cousins.  We are the grownups now.  The grownups are getting old.  The passing of time, laughter, happy birthdays. 

COMMON SENSE 166

I am watching JUST WRIGHT, starring Queen Latiffah and Common.  I think I have mentioned this in previous blogs.  But I was on an elevator, last year sometime after Fashion Week in the City, on my way to an audition and I heard this familiar voice.  I looked up and it was Common.  I have never been a huge Common fan but I was a passive fan of his.  I remember one of his songs was on my workout CD and it got my heart pumpin and mind off the constant pounding of my feet on the treadmill.  But somehow standing there next to him I lost my sense of ...well sense, my sense of worth and value; I was star struck!  I was so disappointed with myself.  I should have said what I really felt, 'wow!  what a pleasure to meet you, keep on keepin on, I am an actress and I love your work or the fact that you work, what is the key, put me down' or something.  What did I do?  I pretended he was no one, a projection of my own sense of inferiority at the moment.  Not my proudest moment.  

LINCOLN LAWYER 165

I THOUROUGHLY enjoyed that movie.  I was not that interested in seeing the movie, it was the last on my movie list.  Not that crazy about the cute guy that is Reese Witherspoon's ex.  But my mom and a friend wanted to see it so I said 'what the hey'.  It was either that or Soul Surfer, which I was also luke warm about, less the inspirational part of the true story.  So with my small buttery movie popcorn (8 points?  I don't believe it but thats what I tracked).  My mom's friend gave me a york peppermint patty which goes really well with popcorn by the way.  LINCOLN LAWYER was amazing.  A bit mellow dramatic at the end but all the twists and turns against the Los Angeles backdrop drove like a first time ride on the 10 along the coast going up to Malibu. And Matthew M handled every curve with compelling grace.  I had to keep leaning over and letting my mom and her friend know what was going on.  'Did he do it?  Who did it?  Did he get off or not?'  So many movies are so predictable that I usually whisper the outcome to my mom who whispers back, "Did you see this already?"
"Mom the movie just came out today, I just know movies"
I was actually in it for a long haul.  Good cast, good movie and good night out.  Worth it.  Check it out!

AUDITIONS. 164

I had one of the best auditions in my life yesterday.  I auditioned like it was a performance with no fear just the titilating energy of life.  I feel like I turned a corner.  I was able to bring all of myself in that moment.  I set a clear intention to share my light and to remove all feelings of unworthiness or inadequacies and allowed the truth of who I am to settle in my pores.  I took a deep breath and went in.  And while I want the job very badly, I don't really give a fuck.  I was there and I am grateful. Amen. 

The Life Of An Artist 163

I have to say I am very surprised no one commented on the video I posted yesterday.  That says a lot of the state of the single black female.  Yikes.

I had to tackle a classical piece of literature today.  I felt a bit inferior to it, but then after reading it and memorizing the text, I quite like it.  I feel a bit overly dramatic but hopefully they won't ask me for a classical piece because my contemporary monologue will be so compelling we will move right on to the sides.  Oh what I must go through in life.  Someone said I was lucky.  I am, and my response does not mean I am ungrateful either but many do not fully understand the many challenges an artist faces each day.  This life is not for the faint of heart, I must say, because in a normal persons life they have, lets say, 10 to 20 interviews in a lifetime.  I have 10 to 20 in a month, and that is a slow month.  Think of all the preparation and stress that entails and triple that.  For every yes, I receive, I have received 100 no's and yet I continue on.  I have a vision inside of myself and it is clear and strong.  I must just stay the course, but man when I am faced with trips that I may or may not go on because this gig fell through or the modern guy who wants  me except that I don't have a "normal" job---all that to say, there are sacrifices made, many.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE 162

I just want to say that magnesium citrate is the bomb diggity!!!!  I sleep well with it.

Interesting question, I may be late with this.  But a good friend sent me this clip from YouTube about single black women in America.  It is an epidemic.  I would love to start a dialogue and hear what the world thinks about this.  What do you think.  Watch this, if you haven't and tell me what you think.

161

Boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries.  

HANA 160

Fun little movie. 

159 MIGRAINES

I thought I was going to heaven last night which is why I didn't write.  I have heard about migraines but I did not know how debilitating and painful they were.  Oh my, that was no joke.  I took a pain killer, and two aspirin, aspirin in case I was having a heart attack and was so grateful when the pain began to subside.  I have never felt anything so awful before.  That was what I call profound pain.

Auditioned for AMWAY, today.  I think I booked it just because I do.  The casting director was a butt hole to me until he heard the buttery sounds of my vocal chords.  I got such a kick out of watching a mean person turn nice.  People are funny.  

158

The day is going good.  Pushing past the things you don't want to do is a tricky thing.  I got the biggest sense of accomplishment, not from going to NY for an audition, or from making my bed, but from doing the things today that I didn't feel like doing.  What a day. 

157

I finally got the dates of the BEAR WHISPERER on the Animal Planet.  April 7, 2011 8pm.  Should be fun to hear.

I have a list of small things I want to accomplish that I think will enhance my life.  Sending loving light to family in crisis, doing zumba 3-5 times a week or some sort of excercise, journaling my food, meditating, reading, etc.  For the next 30 days.  I do well with tasks like this.  Puts me in a structure that supports me in being more productive.

Two auditions tomorrow I hope to book at least one of them.  Ready for some things to happen so I am having high involvement with little attachment to the outcome.  The latter is the hardest part but I am going for it.  

156

I have a prediction.  I don't want to spoil it with naysayers so I will just say I have a prediction.  God told me it has been decided.  I am just hoping to get out of the way enough to allow for it to happen.  Please hold light for me. 

155we are family

The good thing about living on the northern east coast is that you can be in Philly, New York and New Jersey in one day and its not THAT big of a deal.  I went from South to North and that is a big deal.  People in North Jersey think they are New Yorkers and that South Jersey is another country.  South Jersey doesn't get noticed at all even though it makes up most of New Jersey.  No idea where that came from but that was part of my waking stream.

I finally am getting good sleep again.  No idea how that came about either but I am just grateful it has.  I haven't taken or needed to take a Tylenol PM in about 4 days.  Dog tired and just knock out.  I don't understand how people, "fall asleep" and don't keep any of the commitments they have made for the day.  If I am going to fall out, I usually know it and make a few phone calls.  I honestly do not understand the former.  It just sounds like another excuse for not keeping a commitment.  Go figure.

I love spending time with my family.  I learn a lot about myself.  I want to know more.  I also understand that the parts of my family that I don't like are a reflection, in part, of myself as well.  There are certainly some unsavory characters in my family.  I tend to want to gloss over that but they are there.  What does it mean?  What does it say about me?  There are some wonderful characters as well and it is so easy to take that on but the ugly stuff I want to sweep in a gutter and let the sewer take it all away.  But sewage goes to one common place, where all waste goes, doesn't it??  I am making a practice to pray for my family every day, even the unsavory, after all like it or not, take it or leave it we are all family.

154 THE SOURCE CODE

I don't think it is normal to have such insomnia and then be as tired as I am right now.  And I had some diet coke today which usually would have me bouncing off the walls.  What the hizzy is going on.

I saw the movie THE SOURCH CODE today starring Jake J and Michelle M.  Besides liking looking at Jake's big blue eyes, this was a bit of a miss for me.  It was engaging but I drifted off a bit on this one.  Something about the story was confusing and unbelievable.  As unbelievable as THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU was and LIMITLESS, somehow I was able to take the leap.  Something of this movie didn't take you there.  I absolutley adore Jeffrey Wright as an actor.  I couldn't believe that this actor was the same man who played John in Basquet, or Tiger Woo in SHAFT, or Martin Luther King in that King movie.  At first I loved his take but then I it started to seem stagey.  There was something disconnected and unbelievable about the film.  I mean it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great.  I mean I enjoyed it okay.  I wanted to like it more than I did because I respect all the actors that were in this film.  

153 MUSIC

I am on Skype with Crystal a musician from Detroit and we are taking a walk down musics memory lane.  She keeps bringing me back, I keep going to far, she tells me I am an old soul and I think I am.  An old soul.  I love music so much I don't know why I don't listen to it more.  Man, Denise Williams, Bill Withers, Teddy, Sam Cooke, The Funkadelics, Minnie, The Commodores, MJ of course, Gladys, Kool and the Gang, Donna Summer and so many more.  Music is such a part of our lives, there is so much music for every aspect of our lives.  I could listen to music and never stop.  And yet I do.  I used to learn songs by just playing them over and over.  Like my lil friends who watch Dora the Explorer over and over and over again, I don't get it, yet I do.  Thanks girl for the walk down memory lane.  

My insights for the day 152 of 365

Sisterhood
Women working together in service to humankind is actually fun.
Adele
She is amazing.  She gives access to her pain and beauty and it is inspiring and sounds good.
Blood
Is cool, especially....well blood is cool
Moms
Mothers are a blessing.  I love my mother and I am so grateful for this time we have together.  We have a relationship I have never dreamed possible.
Death
Reminds me of birth.  The end of something and the start of something else.  It still is a mystery
My bed
is my friend.
Love
I love love
Life
A choice, even when we think it is not

151

ho hum badadadadada

150

So I just have to say that my life is amazing.   I am beginning to meet members of my spiritual tribe and I am so grateful that I recognize them.  I am so grateful.  My prayers are being answered.  And it is not so much about me getting the dream job, the oscar, tony or grammy ( I intend to have these earthly accolades) but more about the quality that I would like to have accompany life line goals.  I am so grateful.  I am so very grateful.  

148

day two of no sugar.......ummmm i at least want some brown rice.  but my sleep is better, well at least im sleepy with no outside assistance.  no sugar=skinny me

149

sleepy

147

So much from the day to take in.  What do you wish for when all your dreams start to come true?

146 of 365

I am STILL working on putting up my first cooking video.  Sheesh.  

145 of 365

We have to take an effort to make a change world.  If you don't recycle START.  If you go to church and believe in God and DON'T recycle you are not taking care of the temple that God gave us to live in.  All of the turmoil on the planet is a result of our irreverence for mother earth.  Honor your MOTHER and your FATHER......we can't live if we have no planet.  Make a small change TODAY.  WE must....

144 of 365

So glad to hear Masaru and his family are safe and sound.  So glad to hear that folks are making it home from Japan.  I was getting concerned with the exposure to nuclear waste and whatnot.  You never know why things happen.  There were so many factors at play in my leaving Japan and I felt so defeated to not only leave Japan before I was ready but to also relocate back to the east coast.  I just didn't want to.  I felt defeated and yet I am so happy.  So much healing has taken place and things are starting to feel like they make sense.  Such a delicate discernment is necessary to no the difference between will and destiny.  You work in earnest and with a full heart but at some point you have to let it all go.   

143 of 365

I say it all the time that I am so blessed.  I am so grateful for my life, both the woes and the victories and for both my enemies and my friends.  Do I have enemies you say?  Well I'll put it this way, there are those who have been on my path who have hated themselves and projected this hate onto me and from time to time this has caused some issues.  I bless them all and am grateful to every experience that I have ever had in my life (gee I hope I don't regret saying this tomorrow).  I welcome joyful lessons and even more joyful experiences.  I learn best from love. Just a thought.

142

I have so much to do.  Not sure how I am going to do it all.

This weekend was such a blessing.  I am taking the BUILD YOUR BOOK workshop from renowned author and owner of MaxTheatrix, VP Boyle.   I am honored at the compliment and insight he gave me.  I am growing as an artist and I love it.  My friend Chris, who audited the class, cheered and very seriously encouraged me to take in the compliments and integrate them into my life.  I received such jewels in that class.  I also joined another acting network in the city.  I am excited for the work that my efforts will bring forth.  The one think VP said to me was that I was a star.  That being said he said that having the "it" factor doesn't necessarily guarantee me anything.  A sobering truth that tells me that it is not just talent and presence that yield a successful career.  It sure helps when you get a career but how do I get the career I seek?  That is the question.  He also encouraged me not to compromise me to get a job.  To harness, hone in on what I do and be that.  Be myself.  My message throughout my entire life.  Be you.  Trust.  Trust.  Trust.  Hope for good luck.  Hope that your hearts desires will be met.  All the while the world is cracking open from its core.  

141

My prayers go out to all those affected by the Tsunami.  

140

I am watching Parks and Recreation and she (can't think of her name) looks like a real life South Park character.  And she is so funny.  

139 FULL CIRCLE

I HAD SUCH AN (oops not ment for all caps) amazing time with family and friends.  So funny that I am so close with the people I grew up with.  Haven't been around them my entire life and when I moved back home they were there and growing and special and helped me to value not only my journey but my life.  So grateful for that. 

138 poll

Is it normal for married men to flirt?  I'm just sayin.  Makes me scared to take the plunge. 

137

so easy to get overwhelmed.  I am loving it tho but I need a bit of me time. 

136

I love my hair stylist.  My hair is back to normal.  Sorry no pictures.  I am wondering why I have over 1000 friends on facebook and under 100 likes on my fanpage.  Something wrong with that number.  http://www.facebook.com/MissMattilynRochester   Click the dagon link and click like on the page dagnabbit! 

135

This weave feels like a helmet.  I am taking a big chance and going in a different direction.  It feels good.  I went salsa dancing.  And Charlie Sheen Charlie Sheen.  Some people are really not ready for the limelight. I appreciate my lessons.  I am ready. 

134

ok so listen to the Bear Whisperer on the Animal Planet.  I say listen but I mean watch and listen.  I have been cast as not the bear, not the bear whisperer but the narrator on the show!!!  Yippieeee!!!  So exciting.  I am off and still dreaming taking names and taking the good with the bad, the challenges and the ups and downs of life and I am still moving, still doing, still loving and still learning.  Today was a good day!!

133

Okay went to mobile, then NY, then Philly, then back to NY then back to Philly all within 5 days.  I am tired.  Reason for my blogging absence.  I am very tired.  I have eaten too much and have back slid into some bad eating habits.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will get a good nights rest.  Amen

132

i am a zumba instructor!!

131

Uggggh.....(does that count as a post?)

130

keep on keepin on
pretending is hiding behind fear
trust your intuition

Forget about tomorrow!!!!! 129

I ate like 4 starving sumo wrestlers this week.  Gotta make sure I do not sabotage my 5 pound efforts.  In the effort to not get a whole pizza and 'start over in the morning' I bit the bullet and got BACK in the kitchen.  I wish the camera's were rolling because what I made was amazing.  I took some fresh asparagus and sprayed them with a Pam like cooking spray.  I sprinkled some breadcrumbs and shot them in the oven.  Then I sauteed some fresh garlic in olive oil and sea salt and washed some spinach.  Threw that in the pan a fresh squeeze of lemon and badddaow!  I was back in business.  I love these things called coco pops sort of like a rice cake but better.  I took a giant one and spread some laughing cow and sliced some tomato and put on that bad boy and I felt like I had eaten a feast.  Okay so now I don't have to start tomorrow.  I started tonight and I am happy......and sleepy. 

128

Happy Talk Keep Talking Happy Talk!

I love life.......and I want to live.......to glory and honor.......i love life.....127

I love it when I go to an audition and a casting director says, "Thank you, you are a breath of fresh air..."  I love it when I commune with a fellow actor, someone who intimately understands without my having to explain the intricacies and we grow as we encourage each other to have loyalty to our souls calling.  I love when new opportunities are on the horizon.  I love when the lesson is understood and the pain lessened in that understanding.  I love being alive.  I love life.  I love meeting a new person and having titillating stimulating conversation and being able to leave it right there without having to project any expectation on the future.  I love when disappointment comes and then it goes as quickly as its coming.  I love life.  I love. I love, I love. 

That's So Raven 126 of 365

check out what she is up to at http://www.raven-symone.org/

Okay so I have a question.  Can someone younger than you be your mentor?  24 years old and a mogul who has mobilized an empire!  I am watching a re-run of "Black Girls Rock".  I have to go to bed but this show is INSPIRING.  I am a black girl that ROCKS!!!!!!  I am serious about her being my mentor tho.  They say a child shall lead them......


Theme




I have tried to be silent about Ne Ne from the Housewives of Atlanta.  I have realized what bothers me about the character that she is playing.  Similar to Amorrosa from The Apprentice it seems to me that the MAD black woman is being rewarded and thus the steryotype given more energy and life.  This is an illusion.  It is perpetuating madness and I can't say given all that she has been offered if I were in her shoes I would do any different.  I am certain she is not the mean-spirited, negative angry and illspewing soul that she represents.  She is on a journey and I am not one to judge but I am tired of this image being sensationalized in the media.  This show, "Black Girls Rock" is profound and has moved me not only because it is us deciding it is time to celebrate us and not wait for someone else to acknowledge our existence and contributions to this planet but because it is a positive force in the universe and in the media.  Only shown on BET I am sorry that this is the only network that will air this show.  It should be everywhere.  Black women rock, women rock, people rock.  Rock on!!

Check out Teresa Clark!  Wow she rocks!!!  She founded an amazing organization. AFRICA.COM/

125

I have been afraid to say something for a very long time.  I realized that living inside of my fear is not the way to go.  I WANT LOVE IN MY LIFE!!!  I WANT TO MEET, FALL IN LOVE WITH AND MARRY MY SOULMATE THIS YEAR!  I WANT TO MAKE A LOVE CHILD WITH MY SOULMATE!
There I said it!

EDIT 124

OKAY EDITING IS NOT EASY!!!!!  STILL STAY TUNED!!!

Many miracles happened today but the one that struck me was while in church today.  I was sitting there looking at the stained glass windows.  I was looking at the dedications in scripted in the glass.  None of the names were familiar to me.  I have been going to this church, off and on of late, since I was born.  I started thinking about forgiveness and then I thought, I will do a documentary on forgiveness and interview friends and family and then the pastor of the hour stood to give the scripture for the sermon. It was from the book of Matthew and hot dog if it was not about the power of forgiveness.  There was my answer.  Man!  God works fast!!!

STAY TUNED!!!!! 123

Some exciting news.  I stayed in most of the day today and did my second love; cooked!  Then, 'Eureka' I had an idea.  Everyone always talks about my cooking, asks me to teach them this recipe or that and I thought, why not go viral!!!!!  So today with my mom as my camera woman and hilarious second in command (need someone to taste) I taped my first cooking series!!  Stay tuned!!

ZUMBA!!! 122

I am loving ZUMBA!!!!! I am taking the Zumba training certification course this month and can't wait to start teaching around town.  The perfect marriage of exercise and fun!!!! Stay tuned!

HOLD ON 121

This has been a week of disappointment on all fronts.  A week of blessings on all fronts.  This is the beginning of a Dickens tale!  Superbowl Sunday proved to be a blessing in disguise.  I was feeling neglected and lonely so I didn't feel like having that augmented by hanging with my 'married' friends I thought I wanted to hang with the single folk.  But I was tired so I hung with the married folk; they were closer.  I was so happy I did.  I laughed more than I have laughed all year.  We just communed and shared and it was a blast.  Yeah the game was on but the girls were on one accord, not interested in football.  A superbowl party is about the food and the coming together of friends.  Reminds me of my high school days when my father swore I was not at the game because I had not only no idea of the score but I didn't even know who the home team played.  But I was there.  In our conversation I was given a gift.  One of the 'wives' shared her personal story of love and how she had to stand for what she wanted and her needs were met.  I was inspired and touched by this story and realized I had settled not only in love but in life.  This week I would go for it just a bit more on all fronts.  Ask and ye shall receive was my last post.  Ask for what you want.  A closed mouth don't get fed.  Seek and ye shall find.  Just do it.  Go for it.  YEAH!!!

I auditioned, they loved me and I told them pay me more!!  I took some more risks this week and they all came up empty.  Dang!!!!  I could feel that lil girl in me who wants to go home in a huff with all her toys because others won't play by her rules.  I thought, maybe I asked for too much maybe I should settle.  Settle.  Then I realized this in fact is my defining moment.  The crossroads I have been coming to, the risk that I have been terrified to take.  Hold.  Hold. Hold.  It's scary to let something go because your heart and only your heart and your hopes and a lil dream you had last night is telling you that YOU deserve more, that YOU are more.  But that little dream didn't tell you weather to take that job, or listen to the latest excuse you just heard.  The dream just said; ITS YOU you seek.  So in the disappointment I am taking a big risk.  I want more, I deserve more, I will have more than the meager offerings being presented to me at this present moment.  Pray!

ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE NN120

You ever have a dream you just wanted to get back to?

  Last night I was weary.  I posted on FACE BOOK that I was looking to get my inspiration back.  I have been going back and forth about weather to do an audition that would take me away from my mother for 10 months or not.  I have been on the fence about what I need to do to become a 'star'.  I have been fearful of the years coming and going and me not quite yet turning that corner in relationship in family or career.  I am as old as some of my idols and newer younger versions are on the horizon.  Before going to bed I took a sleeping pill and got violently nauseous ran to the bathroom and involuntarily upchucked my day's nutrition.  Exhausted and concerned about getting a full nights rest I got into bed.  Before going to sleep I try to remember my prayers, sometimes I succeed sometimes I do not.  Tonight was success.  I know that God can speak to me when I am still; sometimes asleep.  I set my intention to love myself more and to be open to love.  'To God, guides all the angels that watch over and protect me, my father and other ancestors, I seek love, I seek to love me more and to listen to that love and trust the precious orchestration that has been set forth for me and my life.'  And then I just laid there.  Soon I feel asleep.  And the most amazing vision came.

• At first there were not a lot of people.  It reminded me of the "Black Nativity" project I just completed.  We were in a stadium.  A few of the characters from that show were there.  It was a bit of a theatrical show.  I had a robe, I had a script but the words on the script were eluding me.  It was as if I hadn't done the show in a while and I couldn't remember all the words.  Since I was playing the role of a preacher I thought I can take some words out and improvise a bit, I wasn't that concerned.  It was time, showtime and I wasn't ready but a deeper more profound part of me was pleased that my personality did its thing and did not prepare.  Less interference from God I presume.  I went out to the small crowd in the small stadium.  It was dingy, dark and circular.  I saw a few friends in the crowd and they were yelling in there usual support.  My crew/choir/cast opened and the 'doors' and I emerged and it was on.  A download of information and inspiration came from God and I just started speaking it.  I was unsure at first but I kept going.  I kept looking for the words and I would say a few of them from the script but they were just intro lines to a larger script in the download that was flooding my spirit.  I wish I could remember exactly what I was talking about.  It was something along the lines of remembering who we are.  We took a small break and the director was only slightly concerned that I was not following script.  People were coming.  Carloads of them.  They were coming and I was talking.  He asked me to get back on script and I said okay but I knew my mind was taking in a new script and there wasn't much room in my brain for more.  It was almost erasing what was there with new exciting and inspiring information.  It was just flowing, it was effortless and easy and exciting and all I had to do was open my mouth and obey.  The cast/choir/crew surrounded me I wanted them to hold but they followed the old script and as I emerged the crowd that was about 10-35 had grown to several hundred.  The stadium was filling.  The old friends and supporters in the crowd were still there but so many I didn't know were there to; witnesses.  I wondered for a second if the venue was fancy enough.  But I soon didn't care.  We were in a venue that was in a rustic sort of forest.  Soon the venue started to come alive.  There was food, the vendors appeared and business once stagnent became vibrant.  It was an active place coming alive from all corners.  I then called for a volunteer.  I asked one young man and then another a question.  One young man said he didn't know who he was.  He said in Lynnwood he was a trying to be white to get along even though he wasn't and in the hood where another parent lived he tried to get along there.  Systematically changing himself.  I asked the crowd if they heard him, some did and some did not.  I interpreted his words.  He did not know himself.  He was pleasing everyone but God, everyone but himself.  And I went on and on.  Soon I was in a car with the old script and some lip gloss ( lip gloss inspires me) with a cast member who sort of was my assistant and protegee.  I was dripping the gloss.  We were on our way to another location for some reason to finish my speech it was by no means over......then

I reluctantly woke up.  I wanted to go to sleep again.  I wanted to remember the exact words.  I wanted to know what to do.  This was significant I know.  I felt the spirit of the Lord come over me and I just said Hallelujah.  Now what?..................

BABY ITS COLD OUTSIDE!!! 119

Blistering about in the cold I wonder about some of my ancestors and the underground railroad.  How in the world did they do it?  How did they survive?  What in them moved them away from the masses in the blistering, blinding wind?

A Simple Truth 118

It's hard to bear all in a blog.  When you know people are reading and can judge you.  When you are not all that you seem.  When you are insecure and not perfect.  I don't HAVE to share my flaws.  So why do I do this?  Why do I show the un-pretty on my journey.  The truth?  I don't know.  What I do know is that I have a need, good or bad, to share my journey.  What I do know is that I don't NEED advice for I possess all the tools I need in this journey and that God is on my side.  What I do know is that my soul has unique lessons to learn and I am sharing my learning.  I should know this stuff and intellectually I do but the human part of my divine essence is flawed, wounded and learning.  Learning to love myself.  Learning from experiences and choices I have made that I can love myself more, respect myself more, and know more.  You don't know something just by understanding it intellectually.  You know it when you know it; mind body and spirit.  This is my life.  I do not love myself enough.  I pause, I hesitate on things that I shouldn't and I forgive myself and love myself anyway.  On this journey to find my beloved I know that I settle and that I must love myself before I seek someone else to love me.  All romantic love is, is a reflection.  But a reflection.  I can't love another or be loved by another in the way that I seek until and unless I love and accept myself.  This is my aim, this is my goal.  damn.  

I LOVE MY FRIENDS 117

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!

I have to say with some it is a painful acceptance.  I have one dear friend who just 'isn't into me right now'. It is painful to witness the shift and a change in a relationship.  Not that the love isn't there but when it was just the two of you before now a husband, kids a job; LIFE stand in the way of carefree camaraderie.  The time is not there, deep silences are not poignant moments but moments of preoccupation with something else.  Ah but the love is there so you understand you call yourself silly for being hurt and you move on.

Another is grateful remembrance.  When a friend reminds you in your moments of questioning the entire journey because the present destination is not a pleasant one.  They tell you how much your presence in their lives has affected and inspired them they in this moment help you to REMEMBER.

I should be saying me and not you, them; abstract.

Yet another is the friends that challenge me.  Call me on my shiznit!  Tell me that I am not standing in my light and hold the light for me to see.  Reflect my beauty back to me and gently call me home.

These three comparisons are all one person and all individuals that I acknowledge myself for calling in my life.  Did I say I love my friends?  I love my friends.  

116 of 365

I am going to do webisodes.  I am now collecting themes for me.  What do you think?  Please post here!!!!!Not on Facebook!
Thanks!

115 of 365

I have been a very bad girl!  I have not written and kept to my commitment of writing!!!  OOOOoooooooo!!!!!!!

All I can say is THE BEAR WHISPERER on The Animal Planet.  Listen to the female narrator on that show.......IT'S ME!!!  YIPPIE!    It was SCARY!!!  Rooooaaar!!  Although I am not doing any of the roaring.

Being vulnerable is also scary.  Especially if you think you know the outcome.....why go through un-necessary pain.

11/11/11  My big day.  Who I have no clue but I know.  I am claiming that day!  Yessir!

114 of 365

Everyday has not happened this past week.  I caught a serious bug and all I can say is......MAN DOWN.  I will spare the raw details.

Quick re-cap.  I love my new friends.  They are so kind and supportive.  I was invited to the Philadelphia premiere of the David Mamet play RACE.  Not great reviews but i loved the writing and the questions the play poses.  A must see if in Philly.

I just booked a narrator spot on the Animal Planet's Bear Whisperer!  So excited and grateful and looking forward to a lucrative 2011 in the voice-over arena.  I am finally gaining some real momentum.

Got caught out in the snow storm and felt so alive.  So excited and in nature with friends laughing and making our way.  It was like a winter wonderland movie.  So many people outside having snowball fights, laughing in the street, slipping and sliding along and being friendly.  I love days like this.  

What are You afraid of? 112 of 365

saying what I really feel
taking risks really important risks.
to hold eye contact.

What are you afraid of?

Trapezing and such 111 of 365

getting instruction before we jump!

 This was not my idea at all!!!  My soul sister that inspires and encourages me had this amazing idea.  It came in a text.  Let's go trapezing!  Sounded simple enough.  I sort of entered into the idea about taking the trapeze class like a woman going into the hospital to deliver her first child.  Yeah, okay I'm about to have a baby.  Then a couple of hours later you are yelling and screaming in agonizing pain wondering why the heck a watermelon is about to come out of you.  Yeah okay I am gonna fly on Jan. 22 at the Trapeze School of New York.   No biggie.

Many people don't know this about me because I have traveled to every continent in the world with the exception of Antartica and Australia (is Australia a continent?  But I have a great degree of anxiety when flying alone.  I never seem to think about it when I am booking a ticket.  Maybe a bit of stress the night before.  But when I get on that plane.  I have been know to grab strangers, scream out in agony with the slightest bit of turbulence and sweaty palms and a turning stomach have been a to constant non-paying companion on many of my flights.

I started to feel the anxiety when I got to the top of the jump off point.  "What am I doing? What am I trying to prove?  Why exactly did I decide to do this?"  And the fear is not clear to me but it is grand and profound.  I am not a sweaty person but you can see the sweat spots in some of the pictures.  I was terrified.  I had to grab the bar about 5 times.  I kept saying, "I can't!  I can't"  One of the instructors stopped me and said, "Look at me, look at me......you are telling your brain that you can't and you will believe that.  Tell yourself you can and you will"
"But I can't"

"You can and you will"  Somehow I trusted this woman.  I didn't believe I could but I decided to play this little trick on my brain and say, "I can, I can"  I didn't do it convincingly but I kept saying it over and over, not even sure if I believed myself.  Before you know it they yelled, "Hep!"  And I was flying in mid-air.  I was shaking so much and trying to listen to the instructions of when to let go, when to turn myself upside down and all I could do is swing back and forth and release and fall properly.  Before you know it I am up there again.  Call it peer pressure.  But the second time was even scarier than the first because I knew what was coming and I just thought, "Why did I come back?  What was I thinking.  Why the hell am I up here again.  And again I flew, better form than the first but no hanging upside down.

yikes!

I learned so much about myself and my words and the power of my words.  Fake it until you make it is real!!!  Tell yourself you can and you will.  The brain is a sponge.  Learning to control your thoughts, is key to success.  This was an amazing experience.  And I think I will be going back because I know I can swing upside down.  I also will tell myself the things I need to in a much more committed fashion.

free fall rollercoaster ride

second time!  What was I thinking. 

perfect landing

we did it!

and scene!

NYC.....REMEMBERING TOKYO 110 of 365

New York, New York big city of dreams.  Today was a good day.  Did a voice over job, went to Reproductions to get MORE pictures and met my good dear friend Chris at Outback on 23rd.  Outback was the place that Chris and I used to rush to after work in Tokyo.  We would jump on the B bus from the Broadway Theater at Tokyo Disney Sea, rush through the security gate to

Mahaima station trying to hurry past the fans waiting at the gate to scream, cry or follow us and get on that train to Outback.  Being in Japan so long Outback made us feel like home.  It was great to see him and to commune with Chris.  We haven't seen each other in forever and my friend has been going through some serious health challenges.  I realized that while in Japan I was at the voice doctor's office almost every Thursday one of my day's off.  Chris was also off on Thursdays and would often accompany me through the scary process.  He has gone through so much of this challenging time alone.  I don't know how he does it, there is a silent strength in that man and a great and wonderful friend.  I feel seen with Chris and don't know exactly how to help him through this trying time.  I know his presence just made me feel better while in Japan, took my mind off of the troubles of the day and it didn't seem so bad.  Today I hope that was his day with me.  Still supporting even when not at his stronger I learned again what friendship is.  I am so lucky, so blessed and so grateful to have been so graced by such amazing near and dear friends.  'Some are silver and the other gold'.....

There were a few Japanese guys sitting behind us and it made the scene complete.  We traipsed through the city and there were so many memories of Japan.  Just moving through the city with such ease and grace.  I have learned NY the way that I learned Tokyo and I enjoy knowing, finally, what train gets me where and the maize is starting to make sense.  I remember my first week in Tokyo I though, 'how the hell am I gonna get ANYWHERE' and somehow with time and a little help from friends the gibberish the conductor made through the garbled sound system started to make sense and I knew I would make my way.  My first day traveling on the train in Tokyo was like learning to ride a bike without falling down.  My first train ride in NY was a similar one.  I was spending so much money on Taxi's I finally made my way into the dark, dirty subways of NY.  Very different than the quiet orderly and clean Tokyo but just as confusing.  Today I had the option train, taxi or walk.  I walked and took the city in and we walked and took the day in.  A day filled with blessings.