LAST SHOW

OKAY.....don't know where to start.  I have cried much today...and yesterday.  Last night when I was trying to put the last 9 months of my life here in Japan into my 4 suitcases I burst into tears.  It wouldn't fit.  It all just wouldn't fit.  And I am going home to what?  The answer....I DON'T KNOW.  Of course I will see friends and family that I love and need me.  I will laugh, I will cry and...  

I was sitting in my mess of an apartment, crying and blowing my nose-yeah the cherry blossoms bring hay fever.  I thought of 9 months ago when i packed my apartment of 3 years away, I didn't feel sad, didn't shed any tears, yet I didn't know what Japan would bring, I knew I wanted Japan to bring it.  Jason, my then boyfriend (he has since ripped my heart out and discarded it so carelessly) Leslie, my then and still friend (he is in Prague shooting a film) and I (I am the one in Japan singing remember?) stood in a circle-yeah where 2 or 3 are gathered...- and prayed for my journey, all of our journey's for the next 9 months.  

9 months is the time it takes a baby to gestate.  I wanted to know many things in these 9 months ....Does Jason love me, what will I do for the rest of my life, will he buy me a ring, will he do this will he do that will I spend the rest of my life with him, will I have a baby, will I live out my hearts desires?  Some questions are answered, some are not.  I am trying to stay in the womb of Tokyo just a while longer because I don't feel ready to face the world, to face my life, but like my cesarean section just a few short years ago (smile),  where it was decided when I was ready to leave the womb, labour was induced and I was removed, ready or not.  Ready or not I will walk towards what makes my heart sing, I will walk towards love, I will reluctantly walk towards the light.  Who knows,  I sure don't.  

In a few hours I will perform the last three shows of my 9 month contract here at Big Band Beat.  Tears will be shed backstage and in the audience.  I will miss those eager, grateful and beaming Japanese faces.  Last show...for now. 

The Countdown is On

Okay, so I have about 5 shows left to perform here at Big Band Beat in Tokyo.  It feels a bit surreal and a bit like I can't wait to see what happens next.  The one good thing that they do on this stage is have cast members that are leaving their contract show new contracts how the whole backstage is run.  This symbolized the passing of a torch for me.  Me knowing, her not knowing but soon to know all I know and more.  Just 9 months earlier I followed Andromeda around back stage wondering how in the hell would I remember all this crap.  And now I know this stage, the eb and flow of the band like the back of my hand.  

Tasters

This is a funny clip of my taste testers.  A group of talented folks really.  Leave a comment if you think you would like some of Emi's perfected chocolates.  Salt or Coffee???

Emi's Chocolates

This is how I spend some of my day's off.  It was a lot of fun spending time with some of my fan's.  They support the show every week and have been so kind to me during my time here at Disney Sea and I will miss their bright shining faces!!  Thanks Atsuko, Wataru and Emi!  

All of this happened a few hours after a Dentist's appointment.  Reminds me of my childhood.  Once before going to the dentist I flagged down the ice cream truck.  I ordered all this candy and ice cream and didn't have one red cent to pay for it.  I ran into the house like a crazed lunatic yelling, "Mommy!  Mommy!  I need 3 dollars and 5o cents NOW!!!!!"    She was like, "for what?" 

"Because the man in the truck won't give me the stuff unless I give him the money!"

"What money?"

"For the stuff!"

"What stuff?"

"Well he asked me if I wanted some candy and ice cream and I said yes, and he said I could have it but to ask you first!  So, I said I would ask you but I didn't think so because we are getting ready to go to the dentist but he said to ask you anyway because then if you said yes, maybe we could put it in the freezer for later"  

"Mattilyn!!!!"  

I never got to go eat the stuff.  I had 4 cavities that day.  The same mercury cavity's I had removed today and replaced.  Ahhh the love of chocolate!  It translates even here in Japan.  

2 new members to my blog

Thanks to the two new followers of my blog!  I hope you enjoy my posts.  I am off to Shibuya Square to finish my video shoot.  The show must go on the saying goes.  

Pick your yourself up

Dust yourself off

and try again. 

Life they say is simple.  A child learning to walk falls down many times on the journey to standing erect.  They don't beat them selves up about it.  They cry sometimes in frustration but eventually they figure it out and forget the tears of the past, hold no grudges against anyone they just walk.  It gets a little harder learning to walk in a figurative way.  I find that I wanna blame, find fault in someone or some event.  But maybe if I just figure it is a part of my walking I can start walking sooner.  

Well I cried this morning.  I was frustrated, sad, felt small but....my lip gloss IS poppin.  And I am gonna walk myself to the 11 bus, get on the train at the Shinurayasu station and carry my not so happy self with my DP Cambell to Shibuya and shoot this video.  

holla. 

Tuesday March 10, 2009 okay now Saturday, March 14

It has been really difficult for me to write.  I woke up early this morning and because Japan doesn't have a time change, got confused from the time on my computer and came to work an hour early!!!!  That was not my intention but in the quiet of the dressing room and reflecting on some of the comments that are so inspiring I am prompted to share some of the not so fun parts of this experience.  But with me, I can't help but find the silver lining so the not so fun becomes a blessing; in other words "it is all good" 

There is a song that my father used to like, "It Is Well"  Basically the chorus is, "it is well, it is well, with my soul, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul"  Very simple words and the bottom line for me is that even though I may not like the outcome of a given situation that ultimalte

ly it is for my good for my growing for my soul's advancement. 

 I am NOW re-reading a book by Dr. Carolyn Myss called Anatomy of the Spirit.  And I must say, me picking this book was not casual but very intentional, in fact for me it was an emergency.  My relationship ending so abrubtly especially at the end of my contract here at Disney almost sent me into a tailspin.  Well it did send me into a tailspin for a few days last week.  

Before coming to Japan I had to have two minor surgeries.  Both for fibroid......

Okay I wrote that on Tuesday and now it's Friday and I am on another tangent. 

The excitement of today is that we ordered Domino's and Jeremy went to the front gate and picked it up.  It was refreshing pizza and not another Udon or Soba soup.  I really love Udon over Soba and both have helped my waistline shrink a bit.  Pizza can only be a

 sometime event but a welcomed comfort food given the rainy weather outside and in my heart. 

I have so many pictures to post, so many memories to capture here but I can't seem to get it down, I am gonna post this no matter how far I get, yes this is the sucky part of the journey.  Every journey has to have a sucky part right?  

Well the good news is that I am ready to leave this amazing experience and ready to welcome the next.  You can see part of my performance on my cousin Meredith's blog.  The song I sing is "Blues In The Night"  I have a bootleg of me performing it on my website.  But when I got here I was thinking about the Blues and how I really didn't get it.  Well it just takes getting your ground moved from underneath you to feel them.  I don't wish it on anyone, well that's not true but not very loving of me to admit.  But honey I done got the blues...."a man is a two face!..."  I been singing the blues and didn't even realize I was living them.  They say art imitates life well in my case my life was imitating art behind my daggon back!  I can say that I am through with this song.  And look forward to never singing it again.  But I never say never, but it is a sad miserable song and I am committed to singing happier more hopeful songs.  

March 5

Less than one month less and I find it very difficult to write.  

My relationship of five years has been destroyed, I am unsure what the next steps of this journey are.  I will NOT be going to Australia well at least not as a representative to Hamiltion Island.  

And I am unsure if my journey will take me to California or to the East Coast.  Many questions and many things are unknown for my future.  

The new and exciting things of Japan feel like home for me now and I will miss this place indeed.