179

You must go see I AM the film by Tom Shadyac.

I am changing and I like it.

I am single AND I am happy.

I am receptive to all the love that surrounds me.

I am grateful that I am beginning to see the light.

I am extremely talented.

I am grateful to have known the love of my mother and father.

I am grateful for love. 

Singing, Suicide and other Big Leaps 178

So I have been reading this book by Gay Hendricks called THE BIG LEAP.  Get into it.  I was tense all day.  A sort of anticipation, feeling that there is more I can do and pondering the question that Hendrick's poses.  Do we reach a point of success and then throw it away by sabotage of some sort?  Do we find love and then somehow mess it up?  He brings up the point of Bill Clinton as a young man taking a tour of the oval office and declaring that he would one day live in the white house.  How powerful our thoughts and dreams can be BUT on the flip side how when we get it, how our thoughts and actions can light a fire to all of our dreams.  Heavy stuff.  I was thinking of all the positive loving things that have been said to me in the musical theatre forum and how I felt more and more uneasy with every positive word.  Would I be as good next week?  Will I be able to keep it up?  Will I be found out as a fraud?  What if all my talent is really just a fluke?  And so was my day, a difficult one of my choosing.  I read on, in the doctors office, taking mental breaks to absorb this new thought.  I get to the train station, not satisfied with my musical choices for the class, overcome with stress about how terrible I will be today.  And then my day really starts.  As I am running to the train, I hear a voice, "No need to run, there's body parts all over the tracks, you are going to be here for a while."  My stress grew into a panic.  'VP said not to be late! Not to miss anymore classes.  Is it worth it to go to class if I am late and going to make a bad impression?' I wait and wait and look at the screen full of "delayed".  A train opens up I hesitate, 'maybe I shouldn't get on, maybe I will be stuck on the train, maybe I won't get to New York until 10 and the class will be over, maybe' Good for me the train didn't move for another 20 minutes.  Something told me to go, then something else told me to stay.  Oh boy.  Finally I get on the train, my mood no better.  I make it to class and learn two things.  Class started late and the casting director was also late.  Everyone was so happy to see me and what is my response?  Gratitude?  Appreciation?  No!  Of course not, more self doubt.  On the train ride home, I read more and thought more.  I am bull crapping my way through.  Sure I risk, but not enough.  Sure, I try but not hard enough.  I breathed in the new consciousness and made a decision to allow for the possibility that I can have a successful and happy life in the zone of my own genius.  That I can have love AND a career, AND good health, AND a family, AND abundance, AND joy all around me all the time.  It really is all around me all the time anyway.  What a day.  I took my first of many steps into the world of constant joy.  And I can stand it.  I just have to breath, just breathe.  

177

amazing day yesterday.  warm and fuzzy day today.  an even better one expected tomorrow.  will tell details soon.

176

I should have stayed in bed all day today.  Goodness. 

175

I don't remember the last time I stayed in bed ALL DAY LONG.  I actually feel a WHOLE lot better.  Wow.  I am at a loss.  I feel so guilty but think it was necessary.  I have been a bit stressed out and since I don't think I will be able to swing the trip to Paris with a dear friend next month, I think a day alone in bed will have to suffice.  Unless I am blessed with a buddy pass.  

Migraines Part Duex 174

What is a migraine?

A migraine isn’t just a bad headache. It’s an intense, throbbing pain. Some people also become nauseous and sensitive to light and sound. Many researchers agree that a migraine occurs when swollen blood vessels around the brain press on nearby nerves, causing pain. But it’s not clear what causes this to happen.

Migraines are not all the same. Most of them occur without warning. But some people do get early signs such as:

• Numbness or tingling in their lips, face, or hands
• Weakness in their arms or legs
• Difficulty focusing

173 of 365

Okay I have been blogging for 173 days straight give or take a few mishaps here and there.  Roughly half a year.  Wow I am impressed with myself.

Today I met an amazing, honest casting director in VP Boyle's Musical Theater Forum.  I am learning so much.  Most of all I am learning that I should stop being surprised at people's response to me.  I guess if I worked more I wouldn't be so surprised.  I need the affirmations.  I would be lying if I said I didn't.  They encourage me to continue on in this crazy business that I love so much.  Somehow I am aware that work and outward success are important to me.  I know it is not everything but it sure helps.  I do this work not solely for those things, the primary reason that I perform is that I LOVE it.  I am most alive when performing.  Again, not solely, there are other things that bring me this joy and satisfaction but this is what I want as my occupation.  And then there is this desire to help others.  Being an artists helps uplift and can shift and shape the world and I love spiritual work.  I love assisting people on a personal level and I love the process of watching someone's light switch turn on inside there soul as they realize the beauty and magic that is them.  This is why I am going to actively begin coaching whoever would like the opportunity to grow in this way with me.  Let the doors of the church open.  The Dr. is in!

172

Something is wrong with my computer!!!!! OOOOOOOOOh noooooooooooo

171

It is difficult to witness people you love go through things that you have no control over.  It is also difficult because  I want to be there for my friends but I am upset about their pain, it scares me.

I am thinking about the worlds suggestion that I be a life coach.  I wonder if I can help others and still pursue my performance dreams.  They both are my loves; performance and spiritual growth.  How do I marry the two?

Happy Birthdays 170 of 365

I did a lot of driving today.  I am tired and I am happy to be cold and in my bed.  For some reason the heat wont work and its cold.  But I am still happy to be home.

My Aunt Shirley turned 70 today and I was so happy for her.  So many people love her, over 200 people showed up to celebrate.  I just love gatherings.  They are life!  I wish I would have taken some pictures to post, it was a good time.  I can recall all of the times over the years I have been with my cousins, weddings, funerals, parties, illnesses and holidays.  The little cousins are replacing me and my cousins.  We are the grownups now.  The grownups are getting old.  The passing of time, laughter, happy birthdays. 

COMMON SENSE 166

I am watching JUST WRIGHT, starring Queen Latiffah and Common.  I think I have mentioned this in previous blogs.  But I was on an elevator, last year sometime after Fashion Week in the City, on my way to an audition and I heard this familiar voice.  I looked up and it was Common.  I have never been a huge Common fan but I was a passive fan of his.  I remember one of his songs was on my workout CD and it got my heart pumpin and mind off the constant pounding of my feet on the treadmill.  But somehow standing there next to him I lost my sense of ...well sense, my sense of worth and value; I was star struck!  I was so disappointed with myself.  I should have said what I really felt, 'wow!  what a pleasure to meet you, keep on keepin on, I am an actress and I love your work or the fact that you work, what is the key, put me down' or something.  What did I do?  I pretended he was no one, a projection of my own sense of inferiority at the moment.  Not my proudest moment.  

LINCOLN LAWYER 165

I THOUROUGHLY enjoyed that movie.  I was not that interested in seeing the movie, it was the last on my movie list.  Not that crazy about the cute guy that is Reese Witherspoon's ex.  But my mom and a friend wanted to see it so I said 'what the hey'.  It was either that or Soul Surfer, which I was also luke warm about, less the inspirational part of the true story.  So with my small buttery movie popcorn (8 points?  I don't believe it but thats what I tracked).  My mom's friend gave me a york peppermint patty which goes really well with popcorn by the way.  LINCOLN LAWYER was amazing.  A bit mellow dramatic at the end but all the twists and turns against the Los Angeles backdrop drove like a first time ride on the 10 along the coast going up to Malibu. And Matthew M handled every curve with compelling grace.  I had to keep leaning over and letting my mom and her friend know what was going on.  'Did he do it?  Who did it?  Did he get off or not?'  So many movies are so predictable that I usually whisper the outcome to my mom who whispers back, "Did you see this already?"
"Mom the movie just came out today, I just know movies"
I was actually in it for a long haul.  Good cast, good movie and good night out.  Worth it.  Check it out!

AUDITIONS. 164

I had one of the best auditions in my life yesterday.  I auditioned like it was a performance with no fear just the titilating energy of life.  I feel like I turned a corner.  I was able to bring all of myself in that moment.  I set a clear intention to share my light and to remove all feelings of unworthiness or inadequacies and allowed the truth of who I am to settle in my pores.  I took a deep breath and went in.  And while I want the job very badly, I don't really give a fuck.  I was there and I am grateful. Amen. 

The Life Of An Artist 163

I have to say I am very surprised no one commented on the video I posted yesterday.  That says a lot of the state of the single black female.  Yikes.

I had to tackle a classical piece of literature today.  I felt a bit inferior to it, but then after reading it and memorizing the text, I quite like it.  I feel a bit overly dramatic but hopefully they won't ask me for a classical piece because my contemporary monologue will be so compelling we will move right on to the sides.  Oh what I must go through in life.  Someone said I was lucky.  I am, and my response does not mean I am ungrateful either but many do not fully understand the many challenges an artist faces each day.  This life is not for the faint of heart, I must say, because in a normal persons life they have, lets say, 10 to 20 interviews in a lifetime.  I have 10 to 20 in a month, and that is a slow month.  Think of all the preparation and stress that entails and triple that.  For every yes, I receive, I have received 100 no's and yet I continue on.  I have a vision inside of myself and it is clear and strong.  I must just stay the course, but man when I am faced with trips that I may or may not go on because this gig fell through or the modern guy who wants  me except that I don't have a "normal" job---all that to say, there are sacrifices made, many.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE 162

I just want to say that magnesium citrate is the bomb diggity!!!!  I sleep well with it.

Interesting question, I may be late with this.  But a good friend sent me this clip from YouTube about single black women in America.  It is an epidemic.  I would love to start a dialogue and hear what the world thinks about this.  What do you think.  Watch this, if you haven't and tell me what you think.

161

Boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries.  

HANA 160

Fun little movie. 

159 MIGRAINES

I thought I was going to heaven last night which is why I didn't write.  I have heard about migraines but I did not know how debilitating and painful they were.  Oh my, that was no joke.  I took a pain killer, and two aspirin, aspirin in case I was having a heart attack and was so grateful when the pain began to subside.  I have never felt anything so awful before.  That was what I call profound pain.

Auditioned for AMWAY, today.  I think I booked it just because I do.  The casting director was a butt hole to me until he heard the buttery sounds of my vocal chords.  I got such a kick out of watching a mean person turn nice.  People are funny.  

158

The day is going good.  Pushing past the things you don't want to do is a tricky thing.  I got the biggest sense of accomplishment, not from going to NY for an audition, or from making my bed, but from doing the things today that I didn't feel like doing.  What a day. 

157

I finally got the dates of the BEAR WHISPERER on the Animal Planet.  April 7, 2011 8pm.  Should be fun to hear.

I have a list of small things I want to accomplish that I think will enhance my life.  Sending loving light to family in crisis, doing zumba 3-5 times a week or some sort of excercise, journaling my food, meditating, reading, etc.  For the next 30 days.  I do well with tasks like this.  Puts me in a structure that supports me in being more productive.

Two auditions tomorrow I hope to book at least one of them.  Ready for some things to happen so I am having high involvement with little attachment to the outcome.  The latter is the hardest part but I am going for it.  

156

I have a prediction.  I don't want to spoil it with naysayers so I will just say I have a prediction.  God told me it has been decided.  I am just hoping to get out of the way enough to allow for it to happen.  Please hold light for me. 

155we are family

The good thing about living on the northern east coast is that you can be in Philly, New York and New Jersey in one day and its not THAT big of a deal.  I went from South to North and that is a big deal.  People in North Jersey think they are New Yorkers and that South Jersey is another country.  South Jersey doesn't get noticed at all even though it makes up most of New Jersey.  No idea where that came from but that was part of my waking stream.

I finally am getting good sleep again.  No idea how that came about either but I am just grateful it has.  I haven't taken or needed to take a Tylenol PM in about 4 days.  Dog tired and just knock out.  I don't understand how people, "fall asleep" and don't keep any of the commitments they have made for the day.  If I am going to fall out, I usually know it and make a few phone calls.  I honestly do not understand the former.  It just sounds like another excuse for not keeping a commitment.  Go figure.

I love spending time with my family.  I learn a lot about myself.  I want to know more.  I also understand that the parts of my family that I don't like are a reflection, in part, of myself as well.  There are certainly some unsavory characters in my family.  I tend to want to gloss over that but they are there.  What does it mean?  What does it say about me?  There are some wonderful characters as well and it is so easy to take that on but the ugly stuff I want to sweep in a gutter and let the sewer take it all away.  But sewage goes to one common place, where all waste goes, doesn't it??  I am making a practice to pray for my family every day, even the unsavory, after all like it or not, take it or leave it we are all family.

154 THE SOURCE CODE

I don't think it is normal to have such insomnia and then be as tired as I am right now.  And I had some diet coke today which usually would have me bouncing off the walls.  What the hizzy is going on.

I saw the movie THE SOURCH CODE today starring Jake J and Michelle M.  Besides liking looking at Jake's big blue eyes, this was a bit of a miss for me.  It was engaging but I drifted off a bit on this one.  Something about the story was confusing and unbelievable.  As unbelievable as THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU was and LIMITLESS, somehow I was able to take the leap.  Something of this movie didn't take you there.  I absolutley adore Jeffrey Wright as an actor.  I couldn't believe that this actor was the same man who played John in Basquet, or Tiger Woo in SHAFT, or Martin Luther King in that King movie.  At first I loved his take but then I it started to seem stagey.  There was something disconnected and unbelievable about the film.  I mean it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great.  I mean I enjoyed it okay.  I wanted to like it more than I did because I respect all the actors that were in this film.  

153 MUSIC

I am on Skype with Crystal a musician from Detroit and we are taking a walk down musics memory lane.  She keeps bringing me back, I keep going to far, she tells me I am an old soul and I think I am.  An old soul.  I love music so much I don't know why I don't listen to it more.  Man, Denise Williams, Bill Withers, Teddy, Sam Cooke, The Funkadelics, Minnie, The Commodores, MJ of course, Gladys, Kool and the Gang, Donna Summer and so many more.  Music is such a part of our lives, there is so much music for every aspect of our lives.  I could listen to music and never stop.  And yet I do.  I used to learn songs by just playing them over and over.  Like my lil friends who watch Dora the Explorer over and over and over again, I don't get it, yet I do.  Thanks girl for the walk down memory lane.