MASARU OZAKI.02

Season's Greetings 2009 - 2010

dRATS!

Okay not cool, not cool at all. I took the train, AGAIN. This time from 42nd street to 34th and caught the express Q to Brooklyn. Walked amid cat calls from cars to my friend Monique DeBose's farewell party. After an amazing a capella singing circle which included some impromptu spoken word from a NY school teacher, I was off to a party of someone that works at the United Nations. So instead of paying 25 in a cab from Brooklyn to gentrified Spanish Harlem, Rita a medical resident at the Brooklyn Hospital walked me to the 4, 5 train so I could take that to Harlem. No problem, right? RATS! I was the only one on the platform and I thought I was in the subway scene from the WIZ, where the walls start coming to life with that do do dooo do doo do music in the background. The rat was sizable, not the cat size that I heard about but sizable. He scurried towards me and was not afraid. I almost started running but I stomped my feet and he paused but not in the way I would have liked. Has somebody been feeding these guys? He was like a little dog wanting to nibble. He reluctantly went away but again, not fast enough.

After going to 86th street and switching to the 6 to 110th and Lexington I sat again to a woman and her cart and her man staring at me.

"You are beautiful!"

"Thank you"

"I love the pink in those shoes and I have the perfect nail polish for them, that color is all wrong"

She was right, the red I had did not match the shade of pink in my shoes but it did match the red in my dress and nothing I had on really matched. And besides, I don't match fingernail polish to shoes!

"I wish I had that nail polish I would give it to you. It would look good! You look good girl, look at you all dressed up" she sized me up as I did her. Definitely recovering or on drugs, definitely a hard life. I wasn't afraid but I was cautious. This is why I don't ride the train was the thought I had but at the same time she wanted to engage, I just wanted to make sure she didn't get off at my stop.

She went on to tell me that she had been in prison, been stabbed several times-which she showed me both on her neck and abdomen, once weighed over 300 pounds, had lost her kids and was trying to get them back, back in recovery after a drug relapse, was a punching bag for her boxer husband, was qualified for her first apartment that she got a 500 stipend to furnish it, that she to knew how to sit like me but didn't like to anymore and that kids used to beat her up when she was young because she was too prim and proper.

"You should write a book! I wish I had some money because I wanna do something with you!"

I said, really knowing that this is another reason I will be a star but then if I am a millionaire would I ride trains and have these random amazing encounters? Maybe I would do it once a month for good measure.

"I was working on a book! I am gonna write one but my computer got a virus because I was turning it on and off the wrong way and I lost everything, but there was an editor and I gotta get to a computer so I can find him again because I sent him all my stuff and I hope he has a copy" she languished with her New York/Spanish accent.

She then went on to recite poetry that bought tears to my eyes.

"I wrote that one in prison"she blankly proclaimed.

"How could you remember it so well?" I was curious.

"These are the ones that come from me, from my soul, they have meaning, that's how I remember, It's from my heart"

She went on to recite another one about the hold that drugs had on her and her pleads to God to free her from that grasp that kept her from everything she held dear. I have had the same pleas the same concerns the same questions as her and I felt her humanity in this moment. Though not drugs, the demon that she named crack has many forms and functions, be it food, drugs, cigarettes, men, bad luck...you get it. We all come here to move beyond something and this was her SOMETHING.

"You not from the city are you?" She already knew the answer.

"No Georgia" I don't know why I said this but I wanted to be from the place she thought I was from. New Jersey just didn't seem to fit. Why would I be so different if I was from New Jersey and to her I was different.

"Yeah, I can tell you haven't been through it like, me but we all have what we have that's why I don't make no excuses, we all go through stuff"

And indeed we do, I had a lot in common with the recovering crack head. My time came to get off the train and before I could say goodbye she said, "Maybe we will see each other again but remember you are a beautiful woman! I hope the best for you."

I wanted to hug her but thought to myself, 'Mattilyn lets not loose it!' So I just replied, "You are an amazing person, who are you?"

"I am nobody"

"No you are definitely somebody"

"I came up out of the cracks"

I thought of the rat coming up from the tracks onto the platform, making its presence known.

"You are definitely somebody" I repeated to her

"Nobody is better than anybody else"

"You are so right"

"God bless you"

"And God bless you"

"Take care"

"I will" and I was off in Spanish Harlem, being followed by a guy in red who I am sure I could have mothered and through the danky streets to an amazing Oasis in the hood, a rooftop party. Amid the chaos we all reside.

If I can do it in Japan I can do it in NY

Why the NY subway system intimidates me and not the Tokyo system, baffles me but after a bit of investigation it makes perfect sense. Once you get beyond the overwhelming sense of what the hizzy is that chicken scratch on the placards of Tokyo it starts to make sense. Underneath it all its in English explanation and the trains are color coded. I remember my very first train ride in Tokyo. I was going to Roppongi, Tokyo's gaijin capitol and Jayson gave me a play by play that I scribbled on a receipt and held onto like it was a winning lottery ticket. 1. Get to the station. Beck had helped out with that the first day. I thought I would never be able to get to the station alone, but I made it. 2. Take the train going towards Tokyo. CHECK. 3. Get of at Hatchoobori. CHECK ( sounds scarier than it is but you should have seen me peering out the glass like I was on a runaway train) 4. Get off and follow signs for the Hibya line which is the grey line 'just follow the signs' he told me. CHECK 4. Get on the train to your right, 'not your left' your right. right! CHECK. 5. GET OFF THE TRAIN in Roppongi!!!! OMG!!!!!! I felt like a kindergartner that had drawn a messy water color that mother says is amazing and you say "this is you mommy" I HAD MADE IT TO ROPPONGI!!!!!

I only managed to get lost in the scary sort of way 1 time during my 10 months in Tokyo. I was so comfortable on the trains I even started to fall asleep (be sure to watch my "Sleep Study" video. Trains in Japan became like second nature to me. I understood how to navigate my way and I felt at home on those "lines" (trains) and wandering the streets where I rarely saw a face that resembled my own. I smiled to myself as I bumped up against someone too close violating all spacial western rules. With my alien registration card I didn't belong yet belonged in this strange and beautiful place. I got a glimpse into what millions experience each year in America without any sensitivity from natural born citizens. The compassion and kindness of the Japanese was also noted...we don't do that. If I was lost 99% of the time there was someone willing and eager to help. Sign language, broken English or a learned English that they have been dying to use gets me headed in the right direction.

I have heard all to many times "SPEAK AMERICAN!!!!" coldly dished out to a frazzled foreigner trying to get to city hall in Philadelphia.

Note to those speaking to someone who doesn't speak your language: Speaking louder does not increase comprehension.

I am an east coaster. Have been to NY more times than I can count. But in the car with my family or on the bus and of late in a Taxi. I love the NY taxi's. I can practice my French, Wolof, Japanese or any other broken languages I have picked up through my travels with the mostly friendly cabbies. The doors don't open and close automatically like the ones in Japan but they have TVs and you can even pay with a credit card. I have rarely ventured into the dark subways of New York City alone. It feels massive and overwhelmingly scary. The police presence and my overactive imagination ignited by one too many movies like The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 have me spooked. Well, have HAD me spooked until Yesterday.

Yesterday I thought, "If I can do it in Japan surely I can do it here in the big apple." Credence, walked me to the tip of the station on 42nd Street. "Walk me down"

"You can do it, but make sure you don't get on an express train"

Now this I knew and understood. If you get on the express train from Tokyo going to Shinurayasu, you will end up 45 minutes from your destination. My friend Chris who is basically Japanese did just that a few weeks ago. Inconvenient. I took the mental note and remembered another time I took the wrong train...

I was scheduled to do PR in Up With People in Bree, Belgium for a couple of months. Cheeze Head was the name we coined Melissa Schmitz because she was from Wisconsin. We were leaving the cast in Denmark and had to make our way through Germany to Belgium. We had directions and we were clear. Get on the Slatzcushawziezenhouzer (I made that up) train and get off in Bree where our host families would meet us and we would begin our assignment. We didn't understand the garbled language but we saw the sign above the train and it said "Slatzcushawziezenhouzer" We get on the train as any educated traveler would do. We sat our asses down and that was that. We knew that our train ride was under 4 hours, so when the 5th hour slowly approached we got a bit nervous. Nervous in Europe is not as frightening as nervous in Asia or Africa. I don't know why but I just feel fine lost in Europe. My high school french was, well high school french. So when I approached the conductor she showered me with a smokey array of cigarettes and too much wine along with, 'learn to speak french' and 'you are on the wrong train'. How in the world could we end up on the wrong train, Melissa and I scratched our heads? Well the rude conductor informed us that the train splits and one part goes to the Flemish part of Belgium and the other to the French part a good 3 hours away and that we should get of at the next stop which wasn't really a station but a service stop and walk back to the station with our years worth of luggage and get on the right train. "AmerreeKans! she huffed"

I shuttered off all the memories and headed down the to the dark New York subway. I was gonna get to my audition by train. I was met with the hand of the conductor when I asked, "Is this the local or the express?"

"local"

Okay, Credence said to get on the local so I was on track. Sat my happy ass down, content with myself and watched for dear life. I couldn't read my book I had to watch. 34th Street, okay next should be 23rd.......ummmmm it's not stopping, okay it went to 4th. No problem, got off went to the other side of the station and got there on time. Then my traveling instincts kicked in, only I wasn't traveling anymore, just in a new place that I was determined to learn. What I learned yesterday is that even New Yorkers don't know exactly how to get cross town or uptown. And that NY has some friendly helpful people. After I took that train, I went from down to 16th street, then took the Queens train uptown, only I wasn't going to Queens so I got off at 63rd and Lexington, did my business there and after two people helped me, passed Al Sharpton (for real) and caught the Madison Ave. bus to 110th and Broadway in Harlem I was not certain where to get off the bus driver along with a Jamaican lady dressed in scrubs explained to me that the streets in Harlem where the same streets in Manhatten but some of them had different names. I got off at 110th walked down to 105th, had lunch with my friend and singer Monique DeBose at TOAST headed back on the subway to 86th Street and took the crosstown bus to Silva's. I was on a roll!

A person asked me one day, "how do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Travel without fear"

Truth is I have anxiety almost every time I board a plane. My stomach does summersaults, I perspire and have heart palpitations. I get lost, frustrated,the things that can happen if you never leave your front door. The only answer I can come up with really isn't that profound if only in its simplicity. Once you get on the bus, plane or train its really not up to you. The mode of transportation is going to take you where it is headed. You do the leg work to make sure you are headed in the direction you wanna go. The rest is literally IN YOUR HEAD. No matter where you go, there will be people walking around, working, eating, kids playing, some kind of wild life, some kind of risk and some kind of adventure.

"You don't Do anything, you get on the plane, you fasten the seat belt and you hope for the best. When you get off the plane you are someplace else. "

NEW YORK NEW YORK NEW YORK

IF I CAN MAKE IT THERE ILL MAKE IT ANYWHERE ITS UP TO YOU NEW YORK NEW YORK!!!

more to come....

Thrown into life by circumstance and a series of choices, I share some of the responsibility for where I am, the rest is as they say kismet. I didn't feel it when I drove around Philadelphia; down Kelley Drive where I used to run every morning, or on the Schuylkill Expressway that carried me to places I now try to forget, Philly held only old memories that reminded me of yesterday. But when I emerged onto the busy streets of NYC after a reluctant train ride that reminded me of Tokyo but not quite, and made it up the dirty escalator in Penn Station, peppered with rude men looking at me as if they had "known" me just last night, I felt it. A knowing that I was headed in the right direction, if not a landing place- for a while at least. I felt something stir inside that pushed aside the worry and sadness. Something exciting, joy bustled through the darkness and the light came on. I'M BAAAACK. I could feel myself coming alive and I could hear the whisper in the waft of many days that the homeless man asking for change - I gave him a dollar; that everything is gonna be alright that I am taken care of always and that if I but surrender-I will flow into my hearts desires with ease, grace and pure delight. This is my prediction for New York.

More to come...

Dressing room-Looking Back 2

In between shows we nap and cuddle.  Here we have Hayden and Beck circa 2009 getting some rest in. 
Lateefah and Jeremy watching probably 6 Feet Under.  Jeremy had the disk set. 
The consummate professional Miss Emma getting ready to sing Chatanooga.  

Dressing Room-Looking Back 1

My final performance in Japan this go around was March 31st.  Although sad, I could not wait to get the hell out of that dressing room.  Although I tried to pause and take it all in, the walls of the beautiful 1,500 seat Broadway Theater were closing in on me and it was time for me to move on.  I miss the characters that made up my contract both Gajin and not.  Some remain on performing in the Japanese limelight while others have moved on to Philadelphia, Idaho, Melbourn (Australia), California and me in New Jersey.  And even for those who stayed on the dynamic has changed I am sure because there are new faces to replace what had become the old.  I miss the bright cheery "Ohio gazimus!"from the Japanese dancers, stage managers and costume and wig people that I was not always in the mood for in the mornings.  Especially if I was coming in at 11 am and I wouldn't hit the stage until almost 4pm....ahhh the Japanese ever economic even at the expense of art.  

What Could Be

If anything were possible.  What would your tomorrow look like?

Applicants for Kingship

This is an interview with a modern day queen...

Things are evolving and moving and several suitors have stepped into view.  Some are not even worth mentioning and the others, well they are but I can't post this right now for that reason. But then again, they pick and choose why can't I? No one considers my feelings when living there life why can't I honor and value that fact that I am a queen looking for my king?  Have been since I was a wee girl.   Some have shown themselves not worth the effort and others, well lets just say there are questions but then again not really because if there are questions it is a no! Many bumps into brick walls with eyes wide open have taught me that.  Dang my momma did used to call me hard headed. But I have learned the hard way and finally it has gotten through my head, if you find yourself saying "maybe its because....." or "maybe he just..." STOP!  Take it from me, there is a red light ahead which indicates that there is a brick wall you are about to hit......slow down or go in another direction.....IMMEDIATELY...DO NOT PROCEED.  Love = Joy.  Love= Ease and grace.  Love = peace of mind, heart body and soul.   

 There is a front runner after all is said and done.  Is it because he is older, established, unafraid and  can see me and handle what he sees?  He doesn't need sunglasses and is not blinded from or diminished by me.  That is my number one requirement.  That along with kind, gentle, loving, fun, joyous, honest, loyal, strong, able to attract prosperity and abundance and the ability to fly I must like them and be irresistibly attracted to him.  Rule #1.  My king must love his queen unconditionally and give to her with a full heart for he grows from giving and adores the radiance given from the queen's light; he is blessed by her glow and basks in it more than most.   He not only brings others to be adorned by it,  he adds to her light from his so that both shine brighter and lead other's to the path of love.  This and love are my main requirements.  I regretfully have had to walk alone, or been abandoned by the roadside because this is a hard trait for this queen to find and some suitors have grown weary.  Alas, a hard task indeed.  Time is of the essence because the queen must bear a prince... or a princess to continue the tale of the journey towards love.   The journey is love. 

  

Monday, May 11 2009

New Jersey. 

I have been here a week and two days.  And I must say so far, I do not like it.  With all the sadness I felt in LA because the life I came home (LA) to was nothing that I had planned or imagined while in Japan, still, I felt a connection, a groundedness an unseen and unfelt support system for myself in Los Angeles.  I do not feel that here.  I feel a coldness, a typicalness, and the skelaton of an old paradigm here in Jersey.  I felt a small surge, a spark of something in NY but it was dirty and it made me miss the chaotic order of the buzzing streets of Japan- well minus the spatially challenged Japanese bumping into you and cutting you off and stopping dead in your tracks to look at there cells.  This may be part of the process, but I fear my only connection to the south Jersey area is that my roots are here.  I was born and raised here and I have dear friends that I will never loose a connection with no matter where I am.  I am looking for something, some kind of sign that says yes stay you can build from this place.  My mother needs me but that is not my life.  I have had a few hints of something here and there but no joy.  Still underneath it all I do have a sense that no matter where I am, since I am success and joy and light I will attract it, if I but trust.  And still what makes my heart sing is sun, progressive thinking, open minds of LA.  

There is something to be said about roots.  I have to think of what I missed most in LA.  Roots.  Something to think about. 

SURRENDER

There is an old gospel song that I used to sing before my father's sermon called I Surrender All.  

All to Jesus, I surrender, all to him I freely give.  I will ever love and trust Him in His presence daily live... Worldly pleasures all forsaken, take me Jesus take me now.  I surrender all, I surrender all,  all to thee my blessed savior, I surrender all.  

I have returned home to see that nothing has changed and everything has changed.  It is difficult to admit that I do not have a plan, a next step in my life or a plan as to how to repair my broken heart.  I must surrender to the unknown and truly walk in faith.  It is easier said than done.  The concept is quite simple but the doing is not so easy.  What if I run out of money?  What if I don't turn the corner, what if I stay in California, what if I move back east, what if I start from the point that I left, what if I don't make it?  What if I do make it:  what if I do turn that corner, what if I let go of the illusion that is my life and surrender to the will of my life?  What if, for once I walk in faith?  Again, easier said than done.  I am praying for surrender, for trust in the unknown as I take a leap of faith and surrender.  Easier said than done but this is my prayer, this is my hope.  

I have seen old friends and my heart aches for the suffering we impose on our hearts and minds.  I see it in others and know that I am but looking into the mirror of my own suffering.  I long for a new way of being and I long for faith in things not seen but hoped for.  I am setting an intention on this night to surrender and to walk in faith and open myself to the bountiful, abundant blessings of the universe.  

I will allow myself to feel the sorrow that is present in my heart, with faith that joy will soon replace the sorrow and mourning of the illusion that was my life that has been shattered.  

There is another song that has come to mind.  An older gospel tune. 

I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord, till I die.  I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord till I die.  We sing songs our whole lives, utter words without really understanding the true meaning, without trusting we sing.  It matters not your religious persuasion-Lord/Universe/God/Allah/ Jehovah/Life/It/Spirit replace them if you must.  I will trust in the ________.  Trust, surrender, faith.  Words that lead to the same place.  

Fill me with thy love and power, Let thy blessings fall on me.  I surrender all...

KICKING AND SCREAMING

I thought I could do this a bit more gracefully.  I am the last one to leave this party.  The hosts are cleaning up and it is over but I had such a good time I am not ready to go home yet.  I am the little girl who finds a playmate that sees her finally.  She is playing and laughing her little heart out, jumping and bouncing about.  The keys jingle, momma say's its time to go night night, I fall out on the floor kicking and screaming for my life.  I am not ready to go.  

Loopy

I am ending day five and I feel very loopy.  Just checkin in really.  I had an amazing day.  Schedule basically the same but instead of oxygen I did a parasite zapper.  I also took the liver flush which is probably the root to my whooziness.  

We went to the weekend market and I had a ball bargaining more gifts for folks at home.  It was a lot of fun.  Uuuuuuhhhhh, I was gonna say something else.... oh!  Tomorrow marks Thailand's New Year and everyone buys water guns and plays practical jokes on everyone!!!  I would film but I would be mad as hell if my camera got messed up, so I think I will leave it at home.  

At the market there were all types of grilled and fried bugs.  A friend let me use her camera so I will have to let you guys see that.  People were buying bugs, eating bugs, cookin em and everything.  That was a hot mess.  But fun to watch.  

I have another nasty shake to drink, and my probiotics to take the highlight of all this is that I saved some young coconut water which we are allowed to have during our starvation..I mean fast.  Two more days!  Oh my!  Really one more because I will be breaking the fast day after tomorrow.  

Your girl is goin raw!  Wish me luck.  

Retreat/fast/detox....hungry

They say you are not supposed to be hungry but I am.  This is some serious business taking care of yourself.  I have been up since 7 am and my schedule is FULL ON!!!

7:30 am   Walk on the beach

9 am Morning meeting (you schedule your colema's, massage and any other treatments)

9:45 Coffee colema

11am Ion Cleanse - here after seeing this bubbly orange stuff come up in the foot bath, Michelle asked if I had been on a lot of antibiotics, which I have.  She explained that candida (80% of women have it) was present in my system and persistent thrash or yeast infections are a result.  I am gonna attempt NOT having the coconut water that I love so much.  No sugar is the solution to rid the body of that.  Not forever but a definite for now.  There were these little black things in the water.  I was like, "what the heck is this?"  Michelle confidently asked me if I had any amalgam fillings to which I replied that just last week I had finished up a series of sessions with my dentist in Tokyo.  (Tokyo is the place to get your teeth fixed!)  The price DOES NOT COMPARE to the states.  I hear the same is true for Phuket though I haven't had anything done here. I was so amazed that she could look at the gunk in a foot bath that TY sprinkled some salt in and pushed some buttons, with such accuracy.  I am starting to believe in this fast more and more.  On to the schedule.  

2pm  Oxygen therapy--This is the truth!  I hear it is anyway, I haven't had this therapy yet but I will today.  Someone told me today that there was a link to lack of oxygen in the system and cancer.  I'll have to get some more accurate details on this but it makes sense.  The blood cells somehow are starved and start to mutate.  

3pm Massage (head and shoulders)  I am in love with the Thai aromatic massages and have had one everyday which is a part of our package but they also offer reflexology, head and neck and Thai.  I am gonna force myself to try the others but I LOVE the aromatic massage.  You can have it outside in the forest in this hut that sits over a muddy lake.  I feel like I am reliving a past life in these moments as an African princess or Native American noble woman.  

4pm Colema---Today's flavor Vit. C

5pm Herbal Steam room

7pm EFT Introduction (more to come on this!!!!)

Spending so much time nurturing myself, learning from my body what it needs is going to help me in so many ways.  I have spent so much time catering to other's being so intuitive to the needs of those I care about I don't even know what I want or need.  This awareness has made this experience so worth it.  I have needs on a physical, mental, spiritual and emotional level and some of those needs are not being met.  This schedule is completely about me and I am aware of feelings of guilt, worry for my mom, thoughts about people not here and realize the thing that I told my Weight Watcher's members.  "If you are not taken care of you can not fully take care of others with a full heart"  I am learning the truth of this statement.  I find that I am afraid to ask, 'one more question', even though I have 20 more.  Hopefully I can heal some of this emotional debris that is emerging and I clear the clog...in more ways than one!  

The mosquito's I can do without!  It rained last night and I feared all of Phuket would be washed away.  It reminded me of the rainstorm in the opening of "Once On This Island" that I did at ITC in Long Beach.  That was a lot of rain. And today the mosquito's are out.  I have over 30 bites on my  body!

Atsumi....2

Day 2.  

Talking about it, looking at it from a strainer, examining and studying up on it has been something I have been doing in Thailand.  Of both elephants and myself.  Did you know that a healthy elephant's poo doesn't smell AT ALL?  As part of our 4 part check of the elephants after we fed them a morning snacks we had to make sure they dropped 6 loads of poo.  Sometimes it seemed like more since they broke in half upon impact.  Then you pick apart the poo and squeeze it.  Water dripping from the poo ensures that the elephant is properly hydrated.  The final phase of elephant poo 101 is.......you got it smelling it!  Didn't smell a thing.  And that means that the elephant is healthy.  Which got me to thinking.  Should poo smell?????

This afternoon, Michelle, a lovely Brit who is also the in house poo expert, gave us grand poo tutelage.  I learned so much about human poo, color, shape and it to determines the healthiness of a human being.  Processed food is the biggest gut blocker.  Through the elephants I am bonded to poo.  We talk about it in the herbal steam room, meet and discuss it in the afternoon and have serious poo starting vits and minerals.  Something I am not comfy discussing but so important to our health.  It was so odd that is seems all cool to discuss an elephant and his enormous poo but wouldn't discuss it with just anyone they knew. 

All that to say.........I'm not comfy talking this candidly but.......I think I saw a parasite.  

Detox- Day 1

Wow.  Some details I will spare.  But today just got hard and it's time for sleep.  I really want a smoke, but not really and I am not craving anything; my stomach is growling and empty.  

At 7:30 I had a pH test to check out if I was "fast-ready"  I was fine. 6.6 I have no idea what that means but it seems just fine to me.  It was time for a hike/walk.  I met the rest of the fasters, 2-Americans, I living in Korea the other Quiwait, a German woman living in Shrilanka, 2 Irish woman, an Aussie man, the only one of this lot, a Thai woman, and a Brit.  All on various days of their fast.  We walked

 and chatted about this and that whilst looking at beautiful Phuket beach from above.  

Next stop, the morning meeting.  We pulled angel cards from an angel deck and read what they meant.  Mine card was about abundance, seemed interesting.  It put me in touch with the memory of a nick name given to me as a freshman in high school and said something simililar to my my father's favorite passage and song which states that God's compassions never fail us. My card said that because I had just a tiny bit of faith my prayers have been answered and I am and will be abundant- keep the fatih.    Then everyone decided their schedule for the day.  Colemas- a choice of coffee, garlic, vitamin- C or water.  Massage- reflexology, head-shoulder-neck, Aromatic oil or Thai.  

I was scheduled for 3 but first had to learn about the detox.  This particular detox really blends body mind and spirit by  releasing toxins from the body as well as from the emotional body.  The thought is that if you want a piece of cake or fried chicken, or ribs, mac and cheese, rolls, pizza, fettuchini alfredo, corn bread, catfish nuggest---okay I got side tracked, but the thought here at Atsumi is that the need for food is really masking a need for nurturing in some way.  The great thing is that Weight Watchers is moving in this direction of thinking as well.  Peach Cobbler does taste good but it doesn't replace the emotional feelings that it brings (my brother loves peach cobbler and I always think of him and my Aunt Dottie when I smell it).  Sometimes I have felt so comforted by good food.  It is strange for me to think about and approach food in a different way.  "If hunger isn't the problem, food is not the solution"  

 So far I am not hungry just a bit thirsty.  I will be doing 7 days of pills that have pro-biotics, minerals, clay, husk - all kinds of good crap.  Speaking of which, then there is the shake. No! Psyllium and Bentonite clay the girls tricked me on the walk and said the shakes were delicious.  They were joking.  Then to the Colema room.  Uhhhhhhhh...... click the word if you need help on this one.  Ha!  Just joking, look it up.  I was showed how to deliver the coffee into my lower intestines and left to my own vices, soft music, sweet smells, a strainer......   Fast foward to an hour later- past the amazing massage- I am back at 4pm for my evening colema.  I step on the scale and 1 k lighter am I.  I never thought I was full of it but I kinda was.  I wonder if there is any double meaning in that.  In what ways have I been full of it?  Is there a correlation between being backed up literally?  

Herbal steam sauna, coconut water (ummm mozz. sticks and steak to me)  more pills, more shakes, more trips to the loo and here I am.  I have to say, minus the growling tummy, I feel pretty darn good.  And I don't want a cigarette anymore!

The Elephant Farm

So much to say.  I am pooped!  This was the most amazing day, one of, of my life!  I have so much to say about this day at this conservationist farm in Chiang Mai.  Not the touristy, chair on top of the elephant rides.  We learned about, fed and bathed the elephants.  I was scared, elated, fell off, got cut, delcared, "i'm done!" and got back on again.  A bit more about this place, my time in Chiang Mai to come.  A must do.  

Chiang Mai

I am loving Thailand.  So much to say, so much to post but I am having a relaxing time.  Just had a 2 1/2 hour massage at the resort.  And sat in the sun after a splash in the pool.  What my body and soul needs right now.  Chiang Mai is the place to go.  And I never even heard of it until now.  Affordable and lavish those two things usually don't go together.  More soon. 

LAST SHOW

OKAY.....don't know where to start.  I have cried much today...and yesterday.  Last night when I was trying to put the last 9 months of my life here in Japan into my 4 suitcases I burst into tears.  It wouldn't fit.  It all just wouldn't fit.  And I am going home to what?  The answer....I DON'T KNOW.  Of course I will see friends and family that I love and need me.  I will laugh, I will cry and...  

I was sitting in my mess of an apartment, crying and blowing my nose-yeah the cherry blossoms bring hay fever.  I thought of 9 months ago when i packed my apartment of 3 years away, I didn't feel sad, didn't shed any tears, yet I didn't know what Japan would bring, I knew I wanted Japan to bring it.  Jason, my then boyfriend (he has since ripped my heart out and discarded it so carelessly) Leslie, my then and still friend (he is in Prague shooting a film) and I (I am the one in Japan singing remember?) stood in a circle-yeah where 2 or 3 are gathered...- and prayed for my journey, all of our journey's for the next 9 months.  

9 months is the time it takes a baby to gestate.  I wanted to know many things in these 9 months ....Does Jason love me, what will I do for the rest of my life, will he buy me a ring, will he do this will he do that will I spend the rest of my life with him, will I have a baby, will I live out my hearts desires?  Some questions are answered, some are not.  I am trying to stay in the womb of Tokyo just a while longer because I don't feel ready to face the world, to face my life, but like my cesarean section just a few short years ago (smile),  where it was decided when I was ready to leave the womb, labour was induced and I was removed, ready or not.  Ready or not I will walk towards what makes my heart sing, I will walk towards love, I will reluctantly walk towards the light.  Who knows,  I sure don't.  

In a few hours I will perform the last three shows of my 9 month contract here at Big Band Beat.  Tears will be shed backstage and in the audience.  I will miss those eager, grateful and beaming Japanese faces.  Last show...for now. 

The Countdown is On

Okay, so I have about 5 shows left to perform here at Big Band Beat in Tokyo.  It feels a bit surreal and a bit like I can't wait to see what happens next.  The one good thing that they do on this stage is have cast members that are leaving their contract show new contracts how the whole backstage is run.  This symbolized the passing of a torch for me.  Me knowing, her not knowing but soon to know all I know and more.  Just 9 months earlier I followed Andromeda around back stage wondering how in the hell would I remember all this crap.  And now I know this stage, the eb and flow of the band like the back of my hand.  

Tasters

This is a funny clip of my taste testers.  A group of talented folks really.  Leave a comment if you think you would like some of Emi's perfected chocolates.  Salt or Coffee???

Emi's Chocolates

This is how I spend some of my day's off.  It was a lot of fun spending time with some of my fan's.  They support the show every week and have been so kind to me during my time here at Disney Sea and I will miss their bright shining faces!!  Thanks Atsuko, Wataru and Emi!  

All of this happened a few hours after a Dentist's appointment.  Reminds me of my childhood.  Once before going to the dentist I flagged down the ice cream truck.  I ordered all this candy and ice cream and didn't have one red cent to pay for it.  I ran into the house like a crazed lunatic yelling, "Mommy!  Mommy!  I need 3 dollars and 5o cents NOW!!!!!"    She was like, "for what?" 

"Because the man in the truck won't give me the stuff unless I give him the money!"

"What money?"

"For the stuff!"

"What stuff?"

"Well he asked me if I wanted some candy and ice cream and I said yes, and he said I could have it but to ask you first!  So, I said I would ask you but I didn't think so because we are getting ready to go to the dentist but he said to ask you anyway because then if you said yes, maybe we could put it in the freezer for later"  

"Mattilyn!!!!"  

I never got to go eat the stuff.  I had 4 cavities that day.  The same mercury cavity's I had removed today and replaced.  Ahhh the love of chocolate!  It translates even here in Japan.  

2 new members to my blog

Thanks to the two new followers of my blog!  I hope you enjoy my posts.  I am off to Shibuya Square to finish my video shoot.  The show must go on the saying goes.  

Pick your yourself up

Dust yourself off

and try again. 

Life they say is simple.  A child learning to walk falls down many times on the journey to standing erect.  They don't beat them selves up about it.  They cry sometimes in frustration but eventually they figure it out and forget the tears of the past, hold no grudges against anyone they just walk.  It gets a little harder learning to walk in a figurative way.  I find that I wanna blame, find fault in someone or some event.  But maybe if I just figure it is a part of my walking I can start walking sooner.  

Well I cried this morning.  I was frustrated, sad, felt small but....my lip gloss IS poppin.  And I am gonna walk myself to the 11 bus, get on the train at the Shinurayasu station and carry my not so happy self with my DP Cambell to Shibuya and shoot this video.  

holla. 

Tuesday March 10, 2009 okay now Saturday, March 14

It has been really difficult for me to write.  I woke up early this morning and because Japan doesn't have a time change, got confused from the time on my computer and came to work an hour early!!!!  That was not my intention but in the quiet of the dressing room and reflecting on some of the comments that are so inspiring I am prompted to share some of the not so fun parts of this experience.  But with me, I can't help but find the silver lining so the not so fun becomes a blessing; in other words "it is all good" 

There is a song that my father used to like, "It Is Well"  Basically the chorus is, "it is well, it is well, with my soul, with my soul, it is well, it is well, with my soul"  Very simple words and the bottom line for me is that even though I may not like the outcome of a given situation that ultimalte

ly it is for my good for my growing for my soul's advancement. 

 I am NOW re-reading a book by Dr. Carolyn Myss called Anatomy of the Spirit.  And I must say, me picking this book was not casual but very intentional, in fact for me it was an emergency.  My relationship ending so abrubtly especially at the end of my contract here at Disney almost sent me into a tailspin.  Well it did send me into a tailspin for a few days last week.  

Before coming to Japan I had to have two minor surgeries.  Both for fibroid......

Okay I wrote that on Tuesday and now it's Friday and I am on another tangent. 

The excitement of today is that we ordered Domino's and Jeremy went to the front gate and picked it up.  It was refreshing pizza and not another Udon or Soba soup.  I really love Udon over Soba and both have helped my waistline shrink a bit.  Pizza can only be a

 sometime event but a welcomed comfort food given the rainy weather outside and in my heart. 

I have so many pictures to post, so many memories to capture here but I can't seem to get it down, I am gonna post this no matter how far I get, yes this is the sucky part of the journey.  Every journey has to have a sucky part right?  

Well the good news is that I am ready to leave this amazing experience and ready to welcome the next.  You can see part of my performance on my cousin Meredith's blog.  The song I sing is "Blues In The Night"  I have a bootleg of me performing it on my website.  But when I got here I was thinking about the Blues and how I really didn't get it.  Well it just takes getting your ground moved from underneath you to feel them.  I don't wish it on anyone, well that's not true but not very loving of me to admit.  But honey I done got the blues...."a man is a two face!..."  I been singing the blues and didn't even realize I was living them.  They say art imitates life well in my case my life was imitating art behind my daggon back!  I can say that I am through with this song.  And look forward to never singing it again.  But I never say never, but it is a sad miserable song and I am committed to singing happier more hopeful songs.  

March 5

Less than one month less and I find it very difficult to write.  

My relationship of five years has been destroyed, I am unsure what the next steps of this journey are.  I will NOT be going to Australia well at least not as a representative to Hamiltion Island.  

And I am unsure if my journey will take me to California or to the East Coast.  Many questions and many things are unknown for my future.  

The new and exciting things of Japan feel like home for me now and I will miss this place indeed.  

http://www.islandreefjob.com/#/applicants/watch/jD_syNLQNtk

Okay so I was shortlisted to the 200 and the deadline is March 2!!!!!  I need you to vote for me.  Many people have said they are unable to vote.  It is easier than you think.  All you have to do is go to the site 

http://www.islandreefjob.com/#/applicants/watch/jD_syNLQNtk

on the right of the video is something that says

RATE ME

just click on all five stars.  

Tell as many people as you can.  I have had a late start and need to hit at least 5,000 votes by the March 2nd!!!  

And Go!

Video Shoot

I woke up today with an upset stomach and a hoarse voice.  My cousin asked me, "are you nervous?"  I quickly replied, "No!"  Well I hoarsely replied, "Naaoo".  She went to walk to Tokyo Bay which is a five minute walk from my apartment in Shin-Urayasu.  When she left I felt an incredible sadness and I realized I am afraid and feel very alone in this.  The reality is that I have love and support around me and I have yet to let it in, to let it seep in.  

Last night I dinner I decided to pay.  Naoko was refusing and Chris said, "Naoko there is an art in receiving as well as giving...say Thank You"  Today those words are rumbling in my gut.  Everyone, well not everyone but a lot of people have been supportive by giving thoughts, creativity, ideas or by giving encouraging words and I am working hard this morning to allow them to penetrate.  

I am doing a video and while it will be amateur it is important because it is me, my music and my face that I will be putting out there.  Just me.  I tell myself it is no big deal but that is far from the truth.  So as the dancers gather, the players both behind the scenes and in front, I pause to say:  I'm scared, I'm excited, I am happy and sad.  I am grateful that my cousin, one of my biggest fans (even if it's just because she is family) is here to take part in what I hope is the beginning of many more videos, movies, projects.  I breathe.... and "action"!

Disney Sea

After Jason's Valentine's performance we went to one of our favorite hotspots in Shin-Urayasu.  Shin means "new" in Japanese.  So we live in the new section of Urayasu.  It is all under sea level.  Okay well!

Chris and I went to Disney Sea something that we don't get to do that often even though we work there.  We have to pay to go to the park.  Jason bought us tickets to go to the Valentines show and we hung out in the park before hand.  Chris and Jason are great friends, good people and I hope to have them for life!

Ekko

Ekko my hairstylist.

Here and Now

I realized that the countdown has begun for the end of this adventure and while I am excited and afraid for the next leg of my journey I will miss this time and all I have experienced here. I am trying to remain in the present and be "here" while I am physically here. I was walking through Ikspiari today and as people bumped and pushed me getting off the train in their excitement to get their "Disney Magic" fix I wasn't bothered. It rained today and the flurry of umbrella's, fans waiting at the train station to get their glimpse of their favorite Disney performers on their bustle to work, I tried to take in everything. A walk that I have made everyday that is now "normal" to me will soon be a distant memory. The people that I have spent every day with, rushing to get out of that dressing room every evening at the end of my shift has been my pattern but today I took my time, packing up my computer and saying goodbye to all the "genki" excited Japanese performers. I will miss those walks down the hall, past the boys dressing room, the office, the male and female dancers rooms.

Thank You!

I want to thank the two people who recently signed up for this blog. Please pass the word on!

If you have a moment please pause to post a comment of gratitude and read what others have to say, you never know it may inspire you. What are you grateful for today? So often we focus on what we need, our next step or what is going to happen today.

Today, in this moment I am grateful to be home. I am sitting at my desk in my apartment with a potato baking in my microwave/oven, listening to Japanese television. Packed on the subway coming home I was but a dark spec in an oasis of "other" than me and I felt at home. I am grateful to be home wherever I am. I am grateful that my vocal chords are healing despite myself; the body has amazing healing qualities. It regenerates and heals with the smallest bit of attention. I met a Japanese girl on the bus, her name is Aida. She knew the story of Aida and was beaming at my recognition of her name. I am grateful for brief aquantances. Japan is still an innocent place where children ride the bus alone, I am grateful that this country is not yet afraid of predators. Today, I laughed, sang, danced and I am grateful for this. "With all the sham drudgery and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world, smile, strive to be happy"

Morning Pages

Julia Cameron wrote this book called the Artist's Way. In it she suggests doing something called the morning pages. You wake up and write 3 pages of anything. Just as long as you write. That's the thing about writing, you have to write in order to get something down. I guess with anything you have to actually do it. Do something.

The great thing about performing everyday in front of 1500 people 2-5 times a day is that I get to really know a song in a way that I never would have known it had I not performed it over 15 times a week. And Japanese audiences are such that it is really important to believe in yourself, ride off of your own energy in a performance and not off of the energy of your audience. This is a new way for me. Usually there is a give and take that you can feel with American audiences. Like I can tell if they liked it or if they didn't like my performance based on audience response. Well you can't do that in Japan. You will finish a performance and barely hear a response and then I will run into a "fan" and they will talk about how much they love me. I am usually always shocked but this is a wonderful and new muscle to build. Taking the "do they like me" out of the equation and performing for the god's so to speak. Letting my unique flower bloom in its own unique way.

Once I saw Jill Scott perform in LA. I knew her casually in Philly but before she became famous. In LA I was looking at her and saw that her performance had changed. In looking at her it felt to me like she was actually having an audience with God or at least some angels. Yes we were there and she was connected to her audience but you could tell she actually loved the sound of her own voice. She loved it. Not in an egocentric way but in fact Self-love. I've been reading The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. He says that we can't allow ourselves to love us any more than we love ourselves. I believe this to be so true. One of my father's last words to me were, 'Sis I can't take care of you anymore, you gotta love you, no one can love you unless you do'. This notion has been around for ages but I am starting to understand it emotionally and fundamentally.

People have always told me how beautiful my voice is and I have always compared my voice to the voice of someone who was making more money than I and putting myself down. This energy bleeds into everything. My goal is not to be like Jill Scott but to feel that connection with all the arch angels and to suspend myself in time and space and be connected with all that is God and let my light shine and be blessed also.

This is a gift I have been given by the Japanese audiences. It has helped me to find myself and validate myself for myself. Ahhhh the Japanese.

A call to blog readers!

Hey if you follow this blog or even read it a little I encourage you to sign up as a follower! I am about to apply for a the best job in the world. To work in Australia for 6 months as a correspondent to the Coral Reef's and I need as many folks as possible and your name on my blog will help this. Please sign up. Just click on the link on the side of this blog and you will help me continue this journey from Japan to AUSTRALIA!!!

Cold and rainy in Japan!!!

Ohhhhhhh ma goodness it is cold and rainy!!!! Taking the Disney bus to the front gate, checking out of security and that long walk to the Maihama train station was not as hard as it could have been because I was distracted by the pleasant conversation with Brian, a singer from our show. From the train station is a bus ride on the 11 to E-Village. The windows were fogged up I couldn't see when the stop came. A little Japanese boy was staring up at me and I wanted to scold him for not having a coat on and for wearing flip flops with no socks. I'm certain his mommy will scold him when he gets home. I made a quick stop to the "dozo" (have it) pile in the lobby. People who are moving out of E-village put things they can't take with them in the dozo pile and those of us who remain pick through what we want. Tums, some un-opened dental floss and Crystal Light On the Go was all I could get before the winds took me to the elevator. It was a "man-down" situation for sure.

Safe and sound in my apartment. I couldn't bear to watch CNN with all the gloom and doom of the US's current financial mayhem. I turned to MTV when they said unemplyment has doubled and the state of finances are worst than WWII. I am grateful to be here with a job that I love and am a bit scared for April 3rd to arrive.

Ne-Yo

I went to a Ne-Yo concert tonight in Tokyo. It was good. Over 8.500 people. Tickets were 85US a pop. Wow. Not a lot of gimmick. Just good music, great sound courtesy of Jaymz a good friend of my boyfriend's who invited me to the show and got me and Emma great seats. It was interesting to see. We went to Roppongi afterwards to Friday's and I ate and drank too much. I am good on a program but every day eating and living is still a challenge for me. I am sick and tired of starting over tomorrow but what other choice do I have. As Donny McClirklin (sp) says, "We fall down but we get up!" I will wake up tomorrow. Give thanks for the new day and try again to love my temple that houses my soul a bit better. I will try to eat in moderation and resist the temptation to diet. It is so hard but I will try again. A wise fool once told me, "trying is like constipation.....it ain't shit" I can just make the decision to do it. The great philosopher Goethe said that, "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it." I just found out that Goethe gets credit for it but it was the words of William Murray. Whoever said it maybe that is the bottom line. I haven't committed to honoring my temple at all times. I will look for the commitment tomorrow then.

The Japanese were so orderly at the concert. So polite in their feverish fan-fare. The left the stadium in such an orderly fashion I thought I was at a fire drill at my old elementary school. Outside I was waiting to meet Jaymz and one of the band members with a hood waved at the crowd and they saw a black man in a hood and thought it was Ne-Yo. They went crazy. Security came running and put up barricades and the band got a hearty laugh. Ah the pureness of the Japanese. And yes, "we all look alike"