Singing, Suicide and other Big Leaps 178

So I have been reading this book by Gay Hendricks called THE BIG LEAP.  Get into it.  I was tense all day.  A sort of anticipation, feeling that there is more I can do and pondering the question that Hendrick's poses.  Do we reach a point of success and then throw it away by sabotage of some sort?  Do we find love and then somehow mess it up?  He brings up the point of Bill Clinton as a young man taking a tour of the oval office and declaring that he would one day live in the white house.  How powerful our thoughts and dreams can be BUT on the flip side how when we get it, how our thoughts and actions can light a fire to all of our dreams.  Heavy stuff.  I was thinking of all the positive loving things that have been said to me in the musical theatre forum and how I felt more and more uneasy with every positive word.  Would I be as good next week?  Will I be able to keep it up?  Will I be found out as a fraud?  What if all my talent is really just a fluke?  And so was my day, a difficult one of my choosing.  I read on, in the doctors office, taking mental breaks to absorb this new thought.  I get to the train station, not satisfied with my musical choices for the class, overcome with stress about how terrible I will be today.  And then my day really starts.  As I am running to the train, I hear a voice, "No need to run, there's body parts all over the tracks, you are going to be here for a while."  My stress grew into a panic.  'VP said not to be late! Not to miss anymore classes.  Is it worth it to go to class if I am late and going to make a bad impression?' I wait and wait and look at the screen full of "delayed".  A train opens up I hesitate, 'maybe I shouldn't get on, maybe I will be stuck on the train, maybe I won't get to New York until 10 and the class will be over, maybe' Good for me the train didn't move for another 20 minutes.  Something told me to go, then something else told me to stay.  Oh boy.  Finally I get on the train, my mood no better.  I make it to class and learn two things.  Class started late and the casting director was also late.  Everyone was so happy to see me and what is my response?  Gratitude?  Appreciation?  No!  Of course not, more self doubt.  On the train ride home, I read more and thought more.  I am bull crapping my way through.  Sure I risk, but not enough.  Sure, I try but not hard enough.  I breathed in the new consciousness and made a decision to allow for the possibility that I can have a successful and happy life in the zone of my own genius.  That I can have love AND a career, AND good health, AND a family, AND abundance, AND joy all around me all the time.  It really is all around me all the time anyway.  What a day.  I took my first of many steps into the world of constant joy.  And I can stand it.  I just have to breath, just breathe.