There is a beautiful talented young lady talking right now and I really want her to shut her face. I have decided to be a bit more authentic and I think that was a good start. She is talking and I am writing and she is continuing to talk to me. I don't think it matters to her that I am writing. Interesting.
So I am making the commitment to write. I want to write and I don't want to write. I don't feel like writing and I don't have anything Japanesey to write about other than annoyances. Like my momma said, "If you don't have nothin nice to say don't say anything at all!!" But then this blog wouldn't be interesting.
Okay Asians are spatially impaired I believe. I mean I am sure there are certain gifts and handicaps that each ethnic group has and as an American not really putting my self into an ethnic group for this one, it is highly annoying. So I am walking along to the train station and someone will cut me off walking directly in front of me. Okay like this happens in NY all the time. This is where the two worlds diverge. They walk in front of me and then just stop to look at something that catches there attention or to finish a text or just to lolly gag around in front of me at a snails pace!!!!!! It's like running to catch up to someone to pass them and then you stop as SOON as you get in front of them so that they will rear end you!
Then at the grocery store. A family will take up the entire isle. Kids spread all over the isle, parents discussing what must be the cosmic revolution. I am trying to be polite here. I know they see my black ass. I am a bit of an anomaly being a black woman in Japan and all and still nothing-no move to the side- no "sumimasen" (excuse me) or "gomenasi" (sorry) except maybe some gaping stares from the kids. I wanna yell, "move the hell out of the damn isle!!!! You see me here with this cart trying to shop to! I mean do you have to take up the whole isle? This ain't yo living room!!"
People say Asians can't drive. I mean there are some who can but as a whole there does seem to be some spacial awareness differences that play into the whole driving thing. I have been doing some research and have found that there are a few studies that site the differences in spacial awareness and that Asians do have a bit of tunnel vision. Maybe that is why the technology is so advanced but why it takes 10 people 1 week to make a decision about a shift change at work. I'm just sayin. Common sense is not common to all people in all places. Another reason could be from over population. I don't know and usually I don't care but lately just a bit annoying.
This happens at least 10 times a day to me. And instead of feeling victimized-I know it is not personal- i wrote about it. Whew. That feels better. It was really beginning to build up!!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
funny
I received two plants when I had surgery last November. It was interesting because within a week one of the plants was dying. I made the assumption that because this plant was dying that meant that the friendship that seemed to be forging between myself and the giver of this plant therefore was not real. To me this was a symbol. The other flower flourished and I took that as a sign that this relationship to, would flourish. Funny thing is that I didn't particularly care for the flourishing flower friend as I did for the dying flower friend. But the flourishing flower friend was nicer to me. I think I will keep these names. They sound like Indian names. Flourishing Flower and Dying Flower. But a flourishing flower could possibly be the one dying and the dying one going through a metamorphosis. Are ya with me? I mean I woke up with the name Gyver for a child and this. This is all I got this morning!!!
Okay so as time went on I noticed that the Dying Flower friend was trying to be my friend but I didn't trust it, don't trust her but I want to. Something just doesn't seem completely sincere about Dying Flower. But I genuinely like Dying Flower. I see her beauty and brilliance despite the presence of flaws. She is like a diamond in the rough. Well as life would have it. The flourishing flower died. And once the dead flowers fell off the Dying Flower it is a beautiful green plant.
Go figure.
Okay so as time went on I noticed that the Dying Flower friend was trying to be my friend but I didn't trust it, don't trust her but I want to. Something just doesn't seem completely sincere about Dying Flower. But I genuinely like Dying Flower. I see her beauty and brilliance despite the presence of flaws. She is like a diamond in the rough. Well as life would have it. The flourishing flower died. And once the dead flowers fell off the Dying Flower it is a beautiful green plant.
Go figure.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas in Japan
Well since most of the country is either Shinto or Buddhist, Christmas is celebrated only in the Santa Clause kinda way. I have a doctor's appointment with the surgeon at 12:30. And the country is basically running business as usual. I am off so that is good but I have no christmas decorations up and won't be cooking. Part of our cast is going to a Brazilian resteraunt to celebrate together and that should be nice. Today was my last performance in the Christmas show. It was amazing about the best Christmas show I have ever seen in my life. I really believe this show is as good as the Radio City Music Hall's Christmas Celebration. I wish everyone could see it, it really gets you in the spirit. Problem? When I get off stage I am so in a hurry to get that dress off and my sweats on I don't know what to do. So it is like me playing at Christmas instead of really being into the Christmas spirit itself. Oh well. Merry Christmas. One thing is for sure it is cold as ........!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Our Deepest Fear
The following is a poem from author Marianne Williams, I think it is from her book "Return to Love"
Nelson Mandela quoted this in his inaugural speech. I think it is quite amazing. I would love to hear what this poem speaks to you, if anything. Comment below in the comment box. This poem changed my life.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
Nelson Mandela quoted this in his inaugural speech. I think it is quite amazing. I would love to hear what this poem speaks to you, if anything. Comment below in the comment box. This poem changed my life.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
All these pills
I have a cold!
I'm like can't u put these all in one pill? I know u can, this is the god-mother of all things wise.....why so many pills!!!!
1:15 AM
1 for stuffy 2 for phlegm 3 for cough
1:15 AM
4 anti-inflamitory
1:16 AM
5 anti-inflamm
1:16 AM
6 antibiotic
1:16 AM
7 protect the lining of my stomach from 1-6!!!!!!
I'm like can't u put these all in one pill? I know u can, this is the god-mother of all things wise.....why so many pills!!!!
1:15 AM
1 for stuffy 2 for phlegm 3 for cough
1:15 AM
4 anti-inflamitory
1:16 AM
5 anti-inflamm
1:16 AM
6 antibiotic
1:16 AM
7 protect the lining of my stomach from 1-6!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Book
The truth of the matter is, there are some things I can't or won't say on this blog and this makes me sad. Freedom of speech is a right but in this country I am afraid that this is not so. This inspires me to infer things more or less and write a book! I got more to say but it just doesn't feel right. Now I think I should have started this blog anonymously. I am wondering how many people out there feel censored in their lives. How many times, because common sense tells us, shut ourselves down, opt NOT to say something for fear of loosing friendships, jobs or what have you. The truth shall set you free but they also say, truth hurts and that no one wants to hear the truth.
It reminds me of a story. The names shall remain nameless - can I say that?- lets just say that a friend of mine met a guy. She told me about how much of a gentleman he was, it was like a dream. I vicariously lived through her as she recounted the intimate dates she had with him. She lived in Jersey and he would always take her on dates in Philly. He would always pay the toll for her, park her car and his apartment would always be adorned with candles and small little gifts of chocolate and sweetness for her. She had mentioned his name many times to me and I never paid it much attention until, one day, I heard the name. An unusual name, and I realized that I knew this name but thought it could be a coincidence. More than two people could have the name Fukaro right? Wrong. I said, "Wait a minute, what did you say his name was?", and it all came back to me. I started asking questions, "Is he from the Ivory Coast?"
"Yes"
"Does he have a mark above his left eye?"
"Yes! You know him?"
"Uhhhh....." was my response, "I think I was at his wedding..." My father married this guy who was from another country to the daughter of close family friends. I remember the wedding well. I felt that he looked lingeringly into my eyes, but I just brushed it off as him being fine as hell and me wanting a fairytale wedding like the one I'd just witnessed. They looked so happy and in love. What I remember most is how much money her parents spent on the wedding. I think it was something like 30K, and they gave them the down payment on a house. Now is the same guy courting my friend less than a year later? We had to investigate. I called the Jones's and asked them if the wedding pictures were ready and told the that I wanted to drive around the corner to see them. I picked up Mary my friend that was dating Fukaro who lived only 2 streets over from the Jones family. Cindy, Fukaro's wife, happened to be there and Mary and I decided that we were going to tell them that she was making a big mistake and to get out of the marriage fast!
My mother warned me against it, " You will be the enemy...you'd better mind your own business... a lot of people like to kill the messenger" But Mary and I knew better. We knew that we would wanna know if it were us and Mary really didn't believe it was her Fukaro. Maybe he had a twin. We knocked on the door, and Mrs. Jones and Cindy were so happy that I wanted to see the pictures they opened the door like two little school-girls. I introduced my friend Mary and they offered us hot chocolate and warm brownies. As we looked at the pictures, Cindy bragged, "Yeah most girls put up with so much, but I waited for the right guy! You guys don't let the guys fool you! You set your standards high and stick to them" Mary's eyes welled with tears as I knew she recognized that this, indeed, was her Fukaro. Our eyes met and we decided that maybe my mother was right and we held on to our bit of truth. They were still married, happily. But he had another apartment and he entertained women there.
I wanna take a poll. What would you have done in this situation? Would you have told, Or kept your silence?
Comment so you can all see the different opinions. I am interested to know. Is truth relative?
It reminds me of a story. The names shall remain nameless - can I say that?- lets just say that a friend of mine met a guy. She told me about how much of a gentleman he was, it was like a dream. I vicariously lived through her as she recounted the intimate dates she had with him. She lived in Jersey and he would always take her on dates in Philly. He would always pay the toll for her, park her car and his apartment would always be adorned with candles and small little gifts of chocolate and sweetness for her. She had mentioned his name many times to me and I never paid it much attention until, one day, I heard the name. An unusual name, and I realized that I knew this name but thought it could be a coincidence. More than two people could have the name Fukaro right? Wrong. I said, "Wait a minute, what did you say his name was?", and it all came back to me. I started asking questions, "Is he from the Ivory Coast?"
"Yes"
"Does he have a mark above his left eye?"
"Yes! You know him?"
"Uhhhh....." was my response, "I think I was at his wedding..." My father married this guy who was from another country to the daughter of close family friends. I remember the wedding well. I felt that he looked lingeringly into my eyes, but I just brushed it off as him being fine as hell and me wanting a fairytale wedding like the one I'd just witnessed. They looked so happy and in love. What I remember most is how much money her parents spent on the wedding. I think it was something like 30K, and they gave them the down payment on a house. Now is the same guy courting my friend less than a year later? We had to investigate. I called the Jones's and asked them if the wedding pictures were ready and told the that I wanted to drive around the corner to see them. I picked up Mary my friend that was dating Fukaro who lived only 2 streets over from the Jones family. Cindy, Fukaro's wife, happened to be there and Mary and I decided that we were going to tell them that she was making a big mistake and to get out of the marriage fast!
My mother warned me against it, " You will be the enemy...you'd better mind your own business... a lot of people like to kill the messenger" But Mary and I knew better. We knew that we would wanna know if it were us and Mary really didn't believe it was her Fukaro. Maybe he had a twin. We knocked on the door, and Mrs. Jones and Cindy were so happy that I wanted to see the pictures they opened the door like two little school-girls. I introduced my friend Mary and they offered us hot chocolate and warm brownies. As we looked at the pictures, Cindy bragged, "Yeah most girls put up with so much, but I waited for the right guy! You guys don't let the guys fool you! You set your standards high and stick to them" Mary's eyes welled with tears as I knew she recognized that this, indeed, was her Fukaro. Our eyes met and we decided that maybe my mother was right and we held on to our bit of truth. They were still married, happily. But he had another apartment and he entertained women there.
I wanna take a poll. What would you have done in this situation? Would you have told, Or kept your silence?
Comment so you can all see the different opinions. I am interested to know. Is truth relative?
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
DAY 6
TODAY I discovered pumpkin! Well yesterday. I did a bit of research and pumpkin light the tomato is a fruit. But it is considered a veggie. Yeahhhhhh!!! It's on my program! I made pumpkins soup and it was divine! Though this morning I had a flash back of eating baby food the smooth creamy goodness calmed the little baby in me who thought she was through forever with the smushy stuff. I sauteed garlic, onion and pumpkin with a little OV then salt, pepper, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice and 2 cubes of 0kal sugar. When it got nice and soft I put it in the blender then heated up a TBS of butter and 1/8 c of fat free milk and voila! yummy creamy goodness.
The girls in the dressing room told me today I could open a soup place. I could be like the soup Natzi on Sienfeld. Okay, let me not get away from myself but that soup was good.
I then made another soup, combining the veggie soup with a beef mixture I made. Oh! It was heaven!
So I am doing good but look forward to the fast (not so fast) being over. Now I need to look ahead and decide what I will be doing to maintain. Probably my ole saftey healthy weight watcher way of being. Actually everything on this fast is a part of the Core Program on Weight Watchers. So I have really just been following the program! lol!
The girls in the dressing room told me today I could open a soup place. I could be like the soup Natzi on Sienfeld. Okay, let me not get away from myself but that soup was good.
I then made another soup, combining the veggie soup with a beef mixture I made. Oh! It was heaven!
So I am doing good but look forward to the fast (not so fast) being over. Now I need to look ahead and decide what I will be doing to maintain. Probably my ole saftey healthy weight watcher way of being. Actually everything on this fast is a part of the Core Program on Weight Watchers. So I have really just been following the program! lol!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Fast what is this day 5
Over the hump and chilling al the way. Nothing deep to say about it, I am happy and over it in a good way. Yesterday was really hard in the beginning of the day. I think that is the hardest part of changing a habit. The volcanic pull or resistance seems unbearably hot and consuming. Probably the ego trippin the heck out. There is a little part of me dying even when making good choices and for me its important to give that little man screaming and flailing about in the fiery furnace his space or I feel I will find myself in the same place tomorrow or the next always giving up and starting over because I can't bear the screams any longer. I let him screamed. Sent him light and love and kept it moving.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Day 4 I think.....
My heart is a two way street. I offer love to others and openly accept love from others.
thought for the day
ummmmmm I had a horribly great day. I was crying in the morning and laughing and joyous by the evening. That's the way of an authentic life I tell. Just allowing myself to be. And forgiving myself and not harrassing myself so much. Someone told me today to not think to hard today and that reminds me of a thing my father used to say when I was getting all riled up over something, in his gruffy husky voice that sounded like a loud whisper he would utter, "hey, hey hey....take it easy sis" Easy on myself has been the call order or the day. Cuz honey I was a hot mess today. The think that annoys me on a bad day is when a countryman hurridly walks in front of me and then starts walking like a snail. I wanna say, "hey you cut me off" Too much energy blown on that. So I went to the Dr. with the translater, just telling all my personal business. Then went to the post office and thought I would be in there maybe 20 minutes because I DIDN'T have a translator. Okay an hour and a half later I wanted a cigarette, then I felt bad for wanting the cigarette. I don't know what is worse the cigarette or the feeling bad about the cigarette. Then I went to Lee's shop to get my hair cut. Mr. Lee said, "Matt you cutting your hair a lot are you stressed out" I said, "YES! HAI!" And literally the day went uphill from there. His shop is located in Roppongi and Ekko his Japanese black girl hair guru (he cuts my hair) are there and people just drop in and it makes me feel at home. Two girls from Nigeria via NY 1 visiting her sister who is a financial analyst now l in Japan came in. Another from England via Guyana who teaches and translates for companies. One from California who teaches at a school. By the end of the night we were old friends laughing and kekeeing it. I could have sat there all night. Like me they are in Japan for different reasons at different times. I felt a comradarie and respect for these women and unspoken closeness that takes place everytime I go to Room 806-Mr. Lee's shop.
Oh this was supposed to be about the fast. I was to eat bananna's and milk for some reason. All I have to say is that saved my life because I was fadin fast honey! I broke down at the shop and had a salad with some parm flakes and 1/2 of the dressing. It was like an IV in my soul. I then went on an amazing boat ride for Brian's birthday. Met a few more journeyman, a girl from Australia who was singing on the boat. And now am back for my last bananna milk shake.
Not eating brings up issues but I can say if they coming up that means they were in there and I am grateful. Better out than in. Like poo.
thought for the day
ummmmmm I had a horribly great day. I was crying in the morning and laughing and joyous by the evening. That's the way of an authentic life I tell. Just allowing myself to be. And forgiving myself and not harrassing myself so much. Someone told me today to not think to hard today and that reminds me of a thing my father used to say when I was getting all riled up over something, in his gruffy husky voice that sounded like a loud whisper he would utter, "hey, hey hey....take it easy sis" Easy on myself has been the call order or the day. Cuz honey I was a hot mess today. The think that annoys me on a bad day is when a countryman hurridly walks in front of me and then starts walking like a snail. I wanna say, "hey you cut me off" Too much energy blown on that. So I went to the Dr. with the translater, just telling all my personal business. Then went to the post office and thought I would be in there maybe 20 minutes because I DIDN'T have a translator. Okay an hour and a half later I wanted a cigarette, then I felt bad for wanting the cigarette. I don't know what is worse the cigarette or the feeling bad about the cigarette. Then I went to Lee's shop to get my hair cut. Mr. Lee said, "Matt you cutting your hair a lot are you stressed out" I said, "YES! HAI!" And literally the day went uphill from there. His shop is located in Roppongi and Ekko his Japanese black girl hair guru (he cuts my hair) are there and people just drop in and it makes me feel at home. Two girls from Nigeria via NY 1 visiting her sister who is a financial analyst now l in Japan came in. Another from England via Guyana who teaches and translates for companies. One from California who teaches at a school. By the end of the night we were old friends laughing and kekeeing it. I could have sat there all night. Like me they are in Japan for different reasons at different times. I felt a comradarie and respect for these women and unspoken closeness that takes place everytime I go to Room 806-Mr. Lee's shop.
Oh this was supposed to be about the fast. I was to eat bananna's and milk for some reason. All I have to say is that saved my life because I was fadin fast honey! I broke down at the shop and had a salad with some parm flakes and 1/2 of the dressing. It was like an IV in my soul. I then went on an amazing boat ride for Brian's birthday. Met a few more journeyman, a girl from Australia who was singing on the boat. And now am back for my last bananna milk shake.
Not eating brings up issues but I can say if they coming up that means they were in there and I am grateful. Better out than in. Like poo.
Compassionate Self Forgiveness
WARNING: extremely personal. I have learned that guilt and judgment are the things that bind us and place us in hell. The internal torture is profound.
Once I started this last night I could not stop. I woke up in a panic and just felt bad about everything. I knew what to do thanks to my USM self-counseling skills. I got to it. And I am telling you, if you are feeling bad or "upset" about anything and I mean anything. I can guarantee not 100% or money back but just assure you that you can best believe underneath that feeling is a judgment and that judgment has a weight to heavy to carry. I had to lay down my burdens last night. Down by that riverside.
excerpt from my journal
I am centering myself inside myself invoking my inner counselor and go
I forgive myself for judging myself as unhealthy
I forgive myself for judging myself as toxic
I forgive myself for judging myself as lazy
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-destructive.
I forgive myself for judging myself as confused.
I forgive myself for judging myself as not enough.
I forgive myself for judging myself as less than.
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving
I forgive myself for judging myself as out of control
I forgive myself for judging myself as sick
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as needy
I forgive myself for judging myself as jealous
I forgive myself for judging myself as petty
I forgive myself for judging myself as having no wheel power
I forgive myself for judging myself as less than
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving
I forgive myself for judging myself as bad
I forgive myself for judging myself as unaware
I forgive myself for judging myself as unconscious
I forgive myself for judging myself as manipulative
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that in order to have my way I have to somehow be impaired
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that I have to be sick with cancer in order to be motivated.
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that I am sick with cancer and that I have a death wish
I am a divine being having a human experience and I have a life wish. I wish for life, love, health, courage, beauty, fitness, joy, bliss, peace, wealth, sensuality, femininity, prosperity, fertility, compassion, empathy and love
Once I started this last night I could not stop. I woke up in a panic and just felt bad about everything. I knew what to do thanks to my USM self-counseling skills. I got to it. And I am telling you, if you are feeling bad or "upset" about anything and I mean anything. I can guarantee not 100% or money back but just assure you that you can best believe underneath that feeling is a judgment and that judgment has a weight to heavy to carry. I had to lay down my burdens last night. Down by that riverside.
excerpt from my journal
I am centering myself inside myself invoking my inner counselor and go
I forgive myself for judging myself as unhealthy
I forgive myself for judging myself as toxic
I forgive myself for judging myself as lazy
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-destructive.
I forgive myself for judging myself as confused.
I forgive myself for judging myself as not enough.
I forgive myself for judging myself as less than.
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving
I forgive myself for judging myself as out of control
I forgive myself for judging myself as sick
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as needy
I forgive myself for judging myself as jealous
I forgive myself for judging myself as petty
I forgive myself for judging myself as having no wheel power
I forgive myself for judging myself as less than
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving
I forgive myself for judging myself as bad
I forgive myself for judging myself as unaware
I forgive myself for judging myself as unconscious
I forgive myself for judging myself as manipulative
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that in order to have my way I have to somehow be impaired
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that I have to be sick with cancer in order to be motivated.
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that I am sick with cancer and that I have a death wish
I am a divine being having a human experience and I have a life wish. I wish for life, love, health, courage, beauty, fitness, joy, bliss, peace, wealth, sensuality, femininity, prosperity, fertility, compassion, empathy and love
day 3
okay whatever!!!
I have been up since 5am and it is now 3:49 am. I am not happy but not hungry. I don't think its about food but it was kinda hard today. I love love loved the fruit and veggies I ate but its a lot of work eating every hour or so. Its funny because I am not hungry at all right now. wow. Fruits and veggies and more fruits and veggies in various forms. My only cheat today was a teaspoon (or so) of ranch dressing on my broccoli, pepper (red and green), and cucumber salad. It was scrumptious. My love for fruits and veggies is coming alive again. It is so important to get five a day in and eating them all day reminds me of this. My body integrates them into energy so swiftly, quickly and efficiently I wonder why I don't naturally do this. But maybe that is what a fast is for, to get me back to the basics. Yeah, simple is better. In everything.
I have been up since 5am and it is now 3:49 am. I am not happy but not hungry. I don't think its about food but it was kinda hard today. I love love loved the fruit and veggies I ate but its a lot of work eating every hour or so. Its funny because I am not hungry at all right now. wow. Fruits and veggies and more fruits and veggies in various forms. My only cheat today was a teaspoon (or so) of ranch dressing on my broccoli, pepper (red and green), and cucumber salad. It was scrumptious. My love for fruits and veggies is coming alive again. It is so important to get five a day in and eating them all day reminds me of this. My body integrates them into energy so swiftly, quickly and efficiently I wonder why I don't naturally do this. But maybe that is what a fast is for, to get me back to the basics. Yeah, simple is better. In everything.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Kanji, Hiragana, Katakana
Did you know that there are 3, that's right I said 3 Japanese alphabets??? Kanji the most difficult are the Chinese characters in the Japanese language. This must date back to some historical thing when the two were one. I am certain my ignorance is showing here because maybe I should know this but I do know more than a friend that asked if I would take a taxi to China during my stay. But the Japanese generally speaking are not fond of the Chinese. This is a broad steryotype that I have actually experienced. Maybe that is why Kanji is so darn hard to comprehend, understand or master.
Hiragana and Katakana are a bit easier. I can recognize some of these characters and it comes in handy on the train. Thank God they have English and lots of pictures as well though. Hiragana symbols represents a sound in Japanese. In Japanese foreign names are generally written using the phonetic Katakana alphabet. So like, when I was in the hospital last month My IV did not have my English name by phonetically it was my name. The nurse would come in to verify the new bag of antibiotics and say, "Matt-a-ryn Rudchita?" I would respond, "Hai"
It also helps when taking the bus to COSTCO. Yes there is one here and I love it. It brings me great joy to get a real hot dog and slice of pizza from as it is pronounced "Costa-co"
Hiragana and Katakana are a bit easier. I can recognize some of these characters and it comes in handy on the train. Thank God they have English and lots of pictures as well though. Hiragana symbols represents a sound in Japanese. In Japanese foreign names are generally written using the phonetic Katakana alphabet. So like, when I was in the hospital last month My IV did not have my English name by phonetically it was my name. The nurse would come in to verify the new bag of antibiotics and say, "Matt-a-ryn Rudchita?" I would respond, "Hai"
It also helps when taking the bus to COSTCO. Yes there is one here and I love it. It brings me great joy to get a real hot dog and slice of pizza from as it is pronounced "Costa-co"
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Fasting Day 2 con't
This was hard!!! It is 9:29pm and I am full but between 7 and 9 were the hardest two hours of the day. I had the worst headache, I guess my body ridding itself of all those toxins. Or me beginning to starve to death. But I was full. I realized I maybe was not consuming enough energy even though my stomach was full so I made a huge salad before our last show which is at 6:48. I know wierd time. It had spinach, cucumber, red and green pepper, and a tomato. I thought it was too much but I gobbled it down with some zero cal. dressing. I made a cup of tea and left after the show. By the time I got into a taxi to go home I had a headache and was hungry again. I walked to the Ito Yokata a like mini mall place down the street from where we live and got some stuff for more soup, I'm out of soup and a baked potato. By the time I got into my apartment I was ravished. I couldn't microwave that baby fast enough sauteed some onions but some balsamic vinegar in and down the hatch. The beast is calm for now so I think it best I go to sleep.
Why am I doing this again?
Why am I doing this again?
Fasting Day 2
Okay so just a recap from last night. I went to Monsoon at Ikspirari and ordered the green curry. It had some white stuff through it that looked like fresh cream and it had coconut milk in it which I tried to convince myself was a fruit. I made the decision to eat it and took one gulping spoonful and almost choked to death! Hotsuya neh??? It was spicy as all get out! I could feel the spice permeating my scars inside my throat like electricity traveling a current. Yikes! I am happy to report that the spiciness of the soup actually helped me. I picked all the veggies out, left the corn and ate them and ordered some mango juice that I pray had no added sugar. Honestly I didn't care because I needed something to take the bite out of the hot a@# soup! I also had a spoonfull of rice. Okay so I slipped for a spoon of rice. Over all I think day 1 ended not to badly.
Day 2 is all about the veggies. Getting all that chloraphyl into the body. Getting everything moving and detoxing! I started the day off with 2 glasses of water. I then went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elyptical trainer. They really make you sweat more than the treadmill. Which is probably why I have always avoided them. I was telling myself that I don't need the gym because I will need my energy for all the detoxing but I felt really crappy and tired when I woke up and I felt energized and hungry as heck when I finished. I got to the theater, had my soup watched Dexter with Emma and drank tea, water, paused the show to go to the 'loo' nice stuff I tell ya and chomped away on some veggies. Good stuff.
So far so good. I think I will make it. It's all in the decision I believe. Me deciding that this is what I was gonna do. Anyone out there worried or stressed take heart from Goethe I love this quote of his.
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too." (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749-1832)
Day 2 is all about the veggies. Getting all that chloraphyl into the body. Getting everything moving and detoxing! I started the day off with 2 glasses of water. I then went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elyptical trainer. They really make you sweat more than the treadmill. Which is probably why I have always avoided them. I was telling myself that I don't need the gym because I will need my energy for all the detoxing but I felt really crappy and tired when I woke up and I felt energized and hungry as heck when I finished. I got to the theater, had my soup watched Dexter with Emma and drank tea, water, paused the show to go to the 'loo' nice stuff I tell ya and chomped away on some veggies. Good stuff.
So far so good. I think I will make it. It's all in the decision I believe. Me deciding that this is what I was gonna do. Anyone out there worried or stressed take heart from Goethe I love this quote of his.
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too." (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749-1832)
Monday, December 8, 2008
Fasting
Okay so fasting is defined as "... the act of willingly abstaining from some or all food, drink, or both, for a period of time. A fast may be total or partial concerning that from which one fasts, and may be prolonged or intermittent as to the period of fasting. Fasting practices may preclude sexual activity as well as food, in addition to refraining from eating certain types or groups of foods; for example, one might refrain from eating meat. A complete fast in its traditional definition is abstinence of all food and liquids except for water."
I am doing it for 7 reasons. I mean seven days. But I will follow this Freuadian slip with 7 reasons for fasting.
1. If u need to loose weight you will. I do so that is good.
2. It detoxifies the liver, lymphatic system, glandular, colon it the cleans you out.
3. I will feel energized. And I am tired. I have been so tired from the surgery and all the medication I have been on.
4. Okay this is getting hard. I will excercise loving discipline. The root word of discipline is disciple. So I will be loving my temple, my body. It needs some loving attention.
5. Having a sense of renewed energy, oh I already said that. But I just yawned so I really mean it.
6. I wanna look cuter than I already am when J comes to visit.
7. Cuz the SECRET says if I want it I CAN do it!!!!!
So I am doing this 7 day cleanse where I am eating mostly fruits, veggies and then towards the end meats and brown rice. So I am doing the fast type that limits certain things like sugar, flour, and starches not a complete fast. The website about fasting has a lot of info and I will be sure to say something each day about it.
So I basically ate too much yesterday but because I have been eating 6 times a day I think my stomach is shrinking so I was full almost all day. I went to The Hub to have a light dinner with Jayson Holley and then didn't even want a drink and basically forced myself to have chicken wings and risotto. Chris Boyd then invited me to his room for a X-mas party. He had homemade eggnog, gluhwine, fried chicken, deviled eggs, ginger cookies. Then Dai came over with these cheesy Japanese rice snacks. Which are by the way AMAZING. I got home stuffed and before I could guilt myself into feeling bad I got to sauteeing garlic, carrots, celery, mushrooms, peppers, and a host of other veggies. Packed my napsack for the day and was off to bed to watch SIX FEET UNDER my night cap. I am on Season 4.
Today was okay but I must say the prep work I did the night before really helped. The soup was made and put into containers. My watermelon was sliced and diced and the kiwi, tangerines, some pretty asian fruit I don't know the name of, papaya, strawberries, blueberries and apples were already ready and so was I!!!
I went to the gym on my way to work but my bag was too heavy so I just dropped off clothes in my locker so that I know I can go and not bring sneakers. In Japan's gym do not allow outside sneakers. You can rent sneakers or bring another pair that you wear only to the gym.
So I am at work and I have had two cups of my organic veggie soup. And fruit. I need to drink more water but I feel better, good, and I do not full hungry or weak or anything. I think it is primarily because my insulin levels really never get low with the sugar in the fruit.
I am supposed to go to Monsoon which is located at IKSPIARI at Disney and I hope they have some good soups. And I do remember that I am a Weight Watcher leader so I will click on the link and decide NOW what I am going to have.....I will have a soup. I may have a curry soup with veggies but I need to check to make sure there is no milk. I will have milk in 3 days. So if all else fails I will have salad with no dressing. Onward and Upward!!!!!!
I am doing it for 7 reasons. I mean seven days. But I will follow this Freuadian slip with 7 reasons for fasting.
1. If u need to loose weight you will. I do so that is good.
2. It detoxifies the liver, lymphatic system, glandular, colon it the cleans you out.
3. I will feel energized. And I am tired. I have been so tired from the surgery and all the medication I have been on.
4. Okay this is getting hard. I will excercise loving discipline. The root word of discipline is disciple. So I will be loving my temple, my body. It needs some loving attention.
5. Having a sense of renewed energy, oh I already said that. But I just yawned so I really mean it.
6. I wanna look cuter than I already am when J comes to visit.
7. Cuz the SECRET says if I want it I CAN do it!!!!!
So I am doing this 7 day cleanse where I am eating mostly fruits, veggies and then towards the end meats and brown rice. So I am doing the fast type that limits certain things like sugar, flour, and starches not a complete fast. The website about fasting has a lot of info and I will be sure to say something each day about it.
So I basically ate too much yesterday but because I have been eating 6 times a day I think my stomach is shrinking so I was full almost all day. I went to The Hub to have a light dinner with Jayson Holley and then didn't even want a drink and basically forced myself to have chicken wings and risotto. Chris Boyd then invited me to his room for a X-mas party. He had homemade eggnog, gluhwine, fried chicken, deviled eggs, ginger cookies. Then Dai came over with these cheesy Japanese rice snacks. Which are by the way AMAZING. I got home stuffed and before I could guilt myself into feeling bad I got to sauteeing garlic, carrots, celery, mushrooms, peppers, and a host of other veggies. Packed my napsack for the day and was off to bed to watch SIX FEET UNDER my night cap. I am on Season 4.
Today was okay but I must say the prep work I did the night before really helped. The soup was made and put into containers. My watermelon was sliced and diced and the kiwi, tangerines, some pretty asian fruit I don't know the name of, papaya, strawberries, blueberries and apples were already ready and so was I!!!
I went to the gym on my way to work but my bag was too heavy so I just dropped off clothes in my locker so that I know I can go and not bring sneakers. In Japan's gym do not allow outside sneakers. You can rent sneakers or bring another pair that you wear only to the gym.
So I am at work and I have had two cups of my organic veggie soup. And fruit. I need to drink more water but I feel better, good, and I do not full hungry or weak or anything. I think it is primarily because my insulin levels really never get low with the sugar in the fruit.
I am supposed to go to Monsoon which is located at IKSPIARI at Disney and I hope they have some good soups. And I do remember that I am a Weight Watcher leader so I will click on the link and decide NOW what I am going to have.....I will have a soup. I may have a curry soup with veggies but I need to check to make sure there is no milk. I will have milk in 3 days. So if all else fails I will have salad with no dressing. Onward and Upward!!!!!!
GRATITUDE
I am grateful to all of you who comment on my blogs they mean so much to me. I feel that we are all on this journey and doing the best we can so its nice to feel the give and take in this blog relationship. Thanks for all your comments!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Giving-Making People Happy
So today I am deciding to be silent because I can feel my voice needs it as does my soul. I so love to please people. But instead of beating myself up about it I am going to explore the love part of it. I know all the rest, the part about me needing to please other people and how that isn't healthy. But public servants make it their life's work to please, they exist to be in service to others. Now intellectually I know that the balance is that this giving does not take away from them it actually expands them. So I am not sure my role in service but I will explore that part that loves to give; the part that expands me. Just to have a lookie lou.
I perform partly because I love to see all those joyous smiles out there. It brings me joy. When I see fans crying I do not understand it, I am intrigued and want to know more about them. What made them cry? Are they crazy? Are they projecting their love on me am I just a mirror reflecting love back to people. They think its me or something I am doing or any person that is idolized but really it is our own love reflected back to us. Or maybe the singing actually touched them. I know I am touched by words.
I was watching an episode of "Six Feet Under" and this character named 'Daddy' died. Anything about daddy's and death touch a chord with me. So they read this poem at his funeral. Okay its a television show but I was floored. Weeping at the beauty and melody that the words sewed together - like a beautiful piece of lace on my grandmothers couch that was covered in plastic to protect it. Okay I made that part up but if I had a grandmother I figure she would be the kind that would have those lace doilies and she would have a living room full of plastic. The words moved me. Someone's art changed me, echoed the love that I hold in my heart for my father and healed my heartbreak just a little. Did the writer have some experience of pain that he was working through or was he writing for the love of writing. Either way he touched me. What I can garner from this is that whaterver the reason I perform; to get noticed, because I feel alive, because it is cathartic for me to live and learn outloud because that is the example that was mirrored to me every Sunday watching my father work out family differences on the pulpit, or just simply because something touches my soul in a particular way.
I like mothering people. I love to cook. When I cook my food is so wonderfully a part of the creative process and it tastes darn good to! I want to share this goodness with others. I love that they say, "Matt you can cook!!" or "you should open a restaraunt" or "oh my God" and I also love sharing a piece of the God in me with them. This is what I have to offer. I sometimes throw delicious food away because it is too much for me to have all to myself. Part of the love in making it is giving it away- I love sharing my love through food with others. I love that people appreciate what I share.
I enjoy helping people. And again my ego is here as well. Do I feel a bit of "yeah I helped them see that" of course but the real joy comes in the spark that you see in someones eyes as they come closer to home, closer to themselves. I witnessed a live birth once in my life. Not that I haven't cried many times watching "A Baby Story" on TLC but when I saw that baby I was convinced of 2 things. 1. We are aliens (half a joke) 2. That their is a spark of life that is ignited at birth. I have been blessed to see this birth spark many times in my life with people. In audiences, in a meeting room at a Weight Watchers session, in private counsel with friends and loved ones and it moves me, it gives me such joy.
They all connect me to me and me, to the humanity of others; they all connect me to God who is LOVE. Sometimes, not always I feel that when I am doing these things I should be no other place doing no other thing than loving in the present moment as I see fit. Maybe that is the place called heaven.
I perform partly because I love to see all those joyous smiles out there. It brings me joy. When I see fans crying I do not understand it, I am intrigued and want to know more about them. What made them cry? Are they crazy? Are they projecting their love on me am I just a mirror reflecting love back to people. They think its me or something I am doing or any person that is idolized but really it is our own love reflected back to us. Or maybe the singing actually touched them. I know I am touched by words.
I was watching an episode of "Six Feet Under" and this character named 'Daddy' died. Anything about daddy's and death touch a chord with me. So they read this poem at his funeral. Okay its a television show but I was floored. Weeping at the beauty and melody that the words sewed together - like a beautiful piece of lace on my grandmothers couch that was covered in plastic to protect it. Okay I made that part up but if I had a grandmother I figure she would be the kind that would have those lace doilies and she would have a living room full of plastic. The words moved me. Someone's art changed me, echoed the love that I hold in my heart for my father and healed my heartbreak just a little. Did the writer have some experience of pain that he was working through or was he writing for the love of writing. Either way he touched me. What I can garner from this is that whaterver the reason I perform; to get noticed, because I feel alive, because it is cathartic for me to live and learn outloud because that is the example that was mirrored to me every Sunday watching my father work out family differences on the pulpit, or just simply because something touches my soul in a particular way.
I like mothering people. I love to cook. When I cook my food is so wonderfully a part of the creative process and it tastes darn good to! I want to share this goodness with others. I love that they say, "Matt you can cook!!" or "you should open a restaraunt" or "oh my God" and I also love sharing a piece of the God in me with them. This is what I have to offer. I sometimes throw delicious food away because it is too much for me to have all to myself. Part of the love in making it is giving it away- I love sharing my love through food with others. I love that people appreciate what I share.
I enjoy helping people. And again my ego is here as well. Do I feel a bit of "yeah I helped them see that" of course but the real joy comes in the spark that you see in someones eyes as they come closer to home, closer to themselves. I witnessed a live birth once in my life. Not that I haven't cried many times watching "A Baby Story" on TLC but when I saw that baby I was convinced of 2 things. 1. We are aliens (half a joke) 2. That their is a spark of life that is ignited at birth. I have been blessed to see this birth spark many times in my life with people. In audiences, in a meeting room at a Weight Watchers session, in private counsel with friends and loved ones and it moves me, it gives me such joy.
They all connect me to me and me, to the humanity of others; they all connect me to God who is LOVE. Sometimes, not always I feel that when I am doing these things I should be no other place doing no other thing than loving in the present moment as I see fit. Maybe that is the place called heaven.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Japan
I have made 4 major moves in my life. When I was 17 I moved out of my family house in the suburbs of farmy south Jersey. I say farmy south Jersey because when people think of NJ they often think of the butt-hole of NY or The Sopranos. But South Jersey is different. One of my favorite memories as a child was going to farm for fresh churned ice-cream. The cows who produces the milk for the cream where mooooing and grazing and I might add stinking as we walked into the little farm store. We could buy fresh peaches or Jersey tomatoes or corn from the little stands on the side of the road behind the rows to corn or the little corner orchard. Not like the corner liquor store but a corner orchard store. One, Heals was the name of it right before you get into Burlington off of JFK way used to have the best pies during the holiday season. Everything was always fresh.
I moved from this suburb to an even more remote and farmy Lancaster County in Southeastern Pennsylvania to go to undergraduate school at Lincoln University. If we were ever able to get a ride from campus into town you knew your 10 minute drive through the back windy roads- that turned into a house where a witch was fabled to live- if you got caught behind the Amish horse and buggy that frequented the roads as much as the cars. I lived there for 4 years never changing dormitory's or floors only room numbers and room-mates. First it was Kia-I met her in junior high, then Dia-I met at Lincoln and finally Bev- I have known her all my life.
My next year of life was spent on the road traveling with Up With People. So I basically lived out of my suit-case. For 12 months starting in Tuscon, Arizona I went all over California, Montana, Idaho, the Southern states and then to Germany, Portugal, France, Belgium, Holland, Italy and Spain. I didn't really have a central address, I was a nomad I guess. So I don't know if that counts for moving. I moved every 3 days for 12 months.
Upon returning from Up With People I was at home for approximately 12 weeks before I knew I had outgrown the farmland of the ever changing Willingboro. But I was ready for the pace and style of a big city. So I moved 25 minutes south to Philadelphia. I remember my first night in our apartment on Pine street in West Philly my room-mate Erica and I were too afraid to sleep in our own room in our beautiful wood floored, 3-bedroom, 2-bathroom apartment so we slept on two pallets side by side on the floor in the living room. We both wondered that night of all the sounds out of our window if we made the right decision. Even though Erica went to Temple she grew up in Ambler, PA which was even more grassy and suburban than Willingboro. While in Philly I moved around and learned the side and back streets of that city like the back of my hand. I went from West Philly which hosts the Ivey leauge University of Pennsylvania to the upper crust Chestnut Hill area of the city which is where one of the most prestigious prep schools in the city. Then to the Art Museum area where I was walking distance from the steps that Rocky made famous. My last stop in Philly was Spring Garden Street right down the street from my first apartment.
I left Philly for Los Angeles not knowing a thing about the city. I had only heard stories, 'don't be fooled by the palm trees, you could be in south centrals 'jungle' or "don't wear red or blue because you could get shot if you find yourself in the wrong part of town. And the projects in Los Angeles are not like the cracked out projects of Philadelphia." I also heard, "Oh Matt you are not a Barbie Doll and you just won't make it in that fake place" My first few months I only knew 3 streets and if I traveled anyway I needed to know where it was in proximity to Roberston, Sepulveda, or LaCienega. Soon I knew this city the famous 405 and its horrible traffic and also started to understand the 101, the 10 the 5, the 2, the 134 I mean really so many highways in one city???
And now Japan. At the end of the day, the players change only in race and/or ethnicity but it is another place. Beck who is also one of the BBB singers was our tour guide and we clung to her as I clung to Erica the first night in my first apartment, or my first night as a freshman at Lincoln. I couldn't possibly comprehend how I would ever in the whole 9 months of my contract ride the subway alone. I really can say I know the complex Tokyo system better than Philly's SEPTA or the subway system of NY. Well I can always go to the information booth at the station and ask, "I am going to Chelsea Studios on West 26th street which train do I take" and get directions. I guess my senses are more heightened I pay attention more, imprint things in my mind for later use more than in the US but even so vastly different Japan and the experience of moving here is filled with the exact same excitement, sense of unknowing and fear as anyplace. I suspect this is true anywhere in the world.
I moved from this suburb to an even more remote and farmy Lancaster County in Southeastern Pennsylvania to go to undergraduate school at Lincoln University. If we were ever able to get a ride from campus into town you knew your 10 minute drive through the back windy roads- that turned into a house where a witch was fabled to live- if you got caught behind the Amish horse and buggy that frequented the roads as much as the cars. I lived there for 4 years never changing dormitory's or floors only room numbers and room-mates. First it was Kia-I met her in junior high, then Dia-I met at Lincoln and finally Bev- I have known her all my life.
My next year of life was spent on the road traveling with Up With People. So I basically lived out of my suit-case. For 12 months starting in Tuscon, Arizona I went all over California, Montana, Idaho, the Southern states and then to Germany, Portugal, France, Belgium, Holland, Italy and Spain. I didn't really have a central address, I was a nomad I guess. So I don't know if that counts for moving. I moved every 3 days for 12 months.
Upon returning from Up With People I was at home for approximately 12 weeks before I knew I had outgrown the farmland of the ever changing Willingboro. But I was ready for the pace and style of a big city. So I moved 25 minutes south to Philadelphia. I remember my first night in our apartment on Pine street in West Philly my room-mate Erica and I were too afraid to sleep in our own room in our beautiful wood floored, 3-bedroom, 2-bathroom apartment so we slept on two pallets side by side on the floor in the living room. We both wondered that night of all the sounds out of our window if we made the right decision. Even though Erica went to Temple she grew up in Ambler, PA which was even more grassy and suburban than Willingboro. While in Philly I moved around and learned the side and back streets of that city like the back of my hand. I went from West Philly which hosts the Ivey leauge University of Pennsylvania to the upper crust Chestnut Hill area of the city which is where one of the most prestigious prep schools in the city. Then to the Art Museum area where I was walking distance from the steps that Rocky made famous. My last stop in Philly was Spring Garden Street right down the street from my first apartment.
I left Philly for Los Angeles not knowing a thing about the city. I had only heard stories, 'don't be fooled by the palm trees, you could be in south centrals 'jungle' or "don't wear red or blue because you could get shot if you find yourself in the wrong part of town. And the projects in Los Angeles are not like the cracked out projects of Philadelphia." I also heard, "Oh Matt you are not a Barbie Doll and you just won't make it in that fake place" My first few months I only knew 3 streets and if I traveled anyway I needed to know where it was in proximity to Roberston, Sepulveda, or LaCienega. Soon I knew this city the famous 405 and its horrible traffic and also started to understand the 101, the 10 the 5, the 2, the 134 I mean really so many highways in one city???
And now Japan. At the end of the day, the players change only in race and/or ethnicity but it is another place. Beck who is also one of the BBB singers was our tour guide and we clung to her as I clung to Erica the first night in my first apartment, or my first night as a freshman at Lincoln. I couldn't possibly comprehend how I would ever in the whole 9 months of my contract ride the subway alone. I really can say I know the complex Tokyo system better than Philly's SEPTA or the subway system of NY. Well I can always go to the information booth at the station and ask, "I am going to Chelsea Studios on West 26th street which train do I take" and get directions. I guess my senses are more heightened I pay attention more, imprint things in my mind for later use more than in the US but even so vastly different Japan and the experience of moving here is filled with the exact same excitement, sense of unknowing and fear as anyplace. I suspect this is true anywhere in the world.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Guilt Free Goddess
What would it be like to live a life that you feel good about, a life filled with integrity, a life filled with choices not made as a reaction to anyone or thing but choices made from the center of you? This is the life I seek, a life without guilt. I realized today that I feel guilty about one thing or another almost every single day of my life. Several times a day in fact. Oh I should do this because of that, or if I decide not to go it will make her/him feel bad. I don't want them to think __________ so let me go ahead and do this thing that I don't want to do. Fill in the blanks please, "if you are out there, then sing a long with me if you're out there....." It is like an old, heavy, wet coat that I have on as I try to swim across a lake. It's weighing me down, it's weighing me down.
Please comment on the guilt you would like to release! We can release it today.
Please comment on the guilt you would like to release! We can release it today.
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