Small annoyances.

There is a beautiful talented young lady talking right now and I really want her to shut her face. I have decided to be a bit more authentic and I think that was a good start. She is talking and I am writing and she is continuing to talk to me. I don't think it matters to her that I am writing. Interesting.

So I am making the commitment to write. I want to write and I don't want to write. I don't feel like writing and I don't have anything Japanesey to write about other than annoyances. Like my momma said, "If you don't have nothin nice to say don't say anything at all!!" But then this blog wouldn't be interesting.

Okay Asians are spatially impaired I believe. I mean I am sure there are certain gifts and handicaps that each ethnic group has and as an American not really putting my self into an ethnic group for this one, it is highly annoying. So I am walking along to the train station and someone will cut me off walking directly in front of me. Okay like this happens in NY all the time. This is where the two worlds diverge. They walk in front of me and then just stop to look at something that catches there attention or to finish a text or just to lolly gag around in front of me at a snails pace!!!!!! It's like running to catch up to someone to pass them and then you stop as SOON as you get in front of them so that they will rear end you!

Then at the grocery store. A family will take up the entire isle. Kids spread all over the isle, parents discussing what must be the cosmic revolution. I am trying to be polite here. I know they see my black ass. I am a bit of an anomaly being a black woman in Japan and all and still nothing-no move to the side- no "sumimasen" (excuse me) or "gomenasi" (sorry) except maybe some gaping stares from the kids. I wanna yell, "move the hell out of the damn isle!!!! You see me here with this cart trying to shop to! I mean do you have to take up the whole isle? This ain't yo living room!!"

People say Asians can't drive. I mean there are some who can but as a whole there does seem to be some spacial awareness differences that play into the whole driving thing. I have been doing some research and have found that there are a few studies that site the differences in spacial awareness and that Asians do have a bit of tunnel vision. Maybe that is why the technology is so advanced but why it takes 10 people 1 week to make a decision about a shift change at work. I'm just sayin. Common sense is not common to all people in all places. Another reason could be from over population. I don't know and usually I don't care but lately just a bit annoying.

This happens at least 10 times a day to me. And instead of feeling victimized-I know it is not personal- i wrote about it. Whew. That feels better. It was really beginning to build up!!

This is a video my friend and fellow tapper in the Big Band Beat show did highlighting our Christmas in Japan. I realized this was my first Christmas spent out of the United States and away from all my friends and family. I think it has some of the flavors of Japan in it!! Enjoy

funny

I received two plants when I had surgery last November. It was interesting because within a week one of the plants was dying. I made the assumption that because this plant was dying that meant that the friendship that seemed to be forging between myself and the giver of this plant therefore was not real. To me this was a symbol. The other flower flourished and I took that as a sign that this relationship to, would flourish. Funny thing is that I didn't particularly care for the flourishing flower friend as I did for the dying flower friend. But the flourishing flower friend was nicer to me. I think I will keep these names. They sound like Indian names. Flourishing Flower and Dying Flower. But a flourishing flower could possibly be the one dying and the dying one going through a metamorphosis. Are ya with me? I mean I woke up with the name Gyver for a child and this. This is all I got this morning!!!

Okay so as time went on I noticed that the Dying Flower friend was trying to be my friend but I didn't trust it, don't trust her but I want to. Something just doesn't seem completely sincere about Dying Flower. But I genuinely like Dying Flower. I see her beauty and brilliance despite the presence of flaws. She is like a diamond in the rough. Well as life would have it. The flourishing flower died. And once the dead flowers fell off the Dying Flower it is a beautiful green plant.
Go figure.

Christmas in Japan

Well since most of the country is either Shinto or Buddhist, Christmas is celebrated only in the Santa Clause kinda way. I have a doctor's appointment with the surgeon at 12:30. And the country is basically running business as usual. I am off so that is good but I have no christmas decorations up and won't be cooking. Part of our cast is going to a Brazilian resteraunt to celebrate together and that should be nice. Today was my last performance in the Christmas show. It was amazing about the best Christmas show I have ever seen in my life. I really believe this show is as good as the Radio City Music Hall's Christmas Celebration. I wish everyone could see it, it really gets you in the spirit. Problem? When I get off stage I am so in a hurry to get that dress off and my sweats on I don't know what to do. So it is like me playing at Christmas instead of really being into the Christmas spirit itself. Oh well. Merry Christmas. One thing is for sure it is cold as ........!

Our Deepest Fear

The following is a poem from author Marianne Williams, I think it is from her book "Return to Love"

Nelson Mandela quoted this in his inaugural speech. I think it is quite amazing. I would love to hear what this poem speaks to you, if anything. Comment below in the comment box. This poem changed my life.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

All these pills

I have a cold!

I'm like can't u put these all in one pill? I know u can, this is the god-mother of all things wise.....why so many pills!!!!
1:15 AM

1 for stuffy 2 for phlegm 3 for cough
1:15 AM

4 anti-inflamitory
1:16 AM

5 anti-inflamm
1:16 AM

6 antibiotic
1:16 AM

7 protect the lining of my stomach from 1-6!!!!!!

The Book

The truth of the matter is, there are some things I can't or won't say on this blog and this makes me sad. Freedom of speech is a right but in this country I am afraid that this is not so. This inspires me to infer things more or less and write a book! I got more to say but it just doesn't feel right. Now I think I should have started this blog anonymously. I am wondering how many people out there feel censored in their lives. How many times, because common sense tells us, shut ourselves down, opt NOT to say something for fear of loosing friendships, jobs or what have you. The truth shall set you free but they also say, truth hurts and that no one wants to hear the truth.

It reminds me of a story. The names shall remain nameless - can I say that?- lets just say that a friend of mine met a guy. She told me about how much of a gentleman he was, it was like a dream. I vicariously lived through her as she recounted the intimate dates she had with him. She lived in Jersey and he would always take her on dates in Philly. He would always pay the toll for her, park her car and his apartment would always be adorned with candles and small little gifts of chocolate and sweetness for her. She had mentioned his name many times to me and I never paid it much attention until, one day, I heard the name. An unusual name, and I realized that I knew this name but thought it could be a coincidence. More than two people could have the name Fukaro right? Wrong. I said, "Wait a minute, what did you say his name was?", and it all came back to me. I started asking questions, "Is he from the Ivory Coast?"
"Yes"
"Does he have a mark above his left eye?"
"Yes! You know him?"
"Uhhhh....." was my response, "I think I was at his wedding..." My father married this guy who was from another country to the daughter of close family friends. I remember the wedding well. I felt that he looked lingeringly into my eyes, but I just brushed it off as him being fine as hell and me wanting a fairytale wedding like the one I'd just witnessed. They looked so happy and in love. What I remember most is how much money her parents spent on the wedding. I think it was something like 30K, and they gave them the down payment on a house. Now is the same guy courting my friend less than a year later? We had to investigate. I called the Jones's and asked them if the wedding pictures were ready and told the that I wanted to drive around the corner to see them. I picked up Mary my friend that was dating Fukaro who lived only 2 streets over from the Jones family. Cindy, Fukaro's wife, happened to be there and Mary and I decided that we were going to tell them that she was making a big mistake and to get out of the marriage fast!

My mother warned me against it, " You will be the enemy...you'd better mind your own business... a lot of people like to kill the messenger" But Mary and I knew better. We knew that we would wanna know if it were us and Mary really didn't believe it was her Fukaro. Maybe he had a twin. We knocked on the door, and Mrs. Jones and Cindy were so happy that I wanted to see the pictures they opened the door like two little school-girls. I introduced my friend Mary and they offered us hot chocolate and warm brownies. As we looked at the pictures, Cindy bragged, "Yeah most girls put up with so much, but I waited for the right guy! You guys don't let the guys fool you! You set your standards high and stick to them" Mary's eyes welled with tears as I knew she recognized that this, indeed, was her Fukaro. Our eyes met and we decided that maybe my mother was right and we held on to our bit of truth. They were still married, happily. But he had another apartment and he entertained women there.

I wanna take a poll. What would you have done in this situation? Would you have told, Or kept your silence?
Comment so you can all see the different opinions. I am interested to know. Is truth relative?

DAY 7

LAST DAY!!!!!!!!
Uhhhhhhh, I kinda fell off the wagon.....

DAY 6

TODAY I discovered pumpkin! Well yesterday. I did a bit of research and pumpkin light the tomato is a fruit. But it is considered a veggie. Yeahhhhhh!!! It's on my program! I made pumpkins soup and it was divine! Though this morning I had a flash back of eating baby food the smooth creamy goodness calmed the little baby in me who thought she was through forever with the smushy stuff. I sauteed garlic, onion and pumpkin with a little OV then salt, pepper, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice and 2 cubes of 0kal sugar. When it got nice and soft I put it in the blender then heated up a TBS of butter and 1/8 c of fat free milk and voila! yummy creamy goodness.

The girls in the dressing room told me today I could open a soup place. I could be like the soup Natzi on Sienfeld. Okay, let me not get away from myself but that soup was good.

I then made another soup, combining the veggie soup with a beef mixture I made. Oh! It was heaven!

So I am doing good but look forward to the fast (not so fast) being over. Now I need to look ahead and decide what I will be doing to maintain. Probably my ole saftey healthy weight watcher way of being. Actually everything on this fast is a part of the Core Program on Weight Watchers. So I have really just been following the program! lol!

Fast what is this day 5

Over the hump and chilling al the way. Nothing deep to say about it, I am happy and over it in a good way. Yesterday was really hard in the beginning of the day. I think that is the hardest part of changing a habit. The volcanic pull or resistance seems unbearably hot and consuming. Probably the ego trippin the heck out. There is a little part of me dying even when making good choices and for me its important to give that little man screaming and flailing about in the fiery furnace his space or I feel I will find myself in the same place tomorrow or the next always giving up and starting over because I can't bear the screams any longer. I let him screamed. Sent him light and love and kept it moving.

Day 4 I think.....

My heart is a two way street. I offer love to others and openly accept love from others.

thought for the day



ummmmmm I had a horribly great day. I was crying in the morning and laughing and joyous by the evening. That's the way of an authentic life I tell. Just allowing myself to be. And forgiving myself and not harrassing myself so much. Someone told me today to not think to hard today and that reminds me of a thing my father used to say when I was getting all riled up over something, in his gruffy husky voice that sounded like a loud whisper he would utter, "hey, hey hey....take it easy sis" Easy on myself has been the call order or the day. Cuz honey I was a hot mess today. The think that annoys me on a bad day is when a countryman hurridly walks in front of me and then starts walking like a snail. I wanna say, "hey you cut me off" Too much energy blown on that. So I went to the Dr. with the translater, just telling all my personal business. Then went to the post office and thought I would be in there maybe 20 minutes because I DIDN'T have a translator. Okay an hour and a half later I wanted a cigarette, then I felt bad for wanting the cigarette. I don't know what is worse the cigarette or the feeling bad about the cigarette. Then I went to Lee's shop to get my hair cut. Mr. Lee said, "Matt you cutting your hair a lot are you stressed out" I said, "YES! HAI!" And literally the day went uphill from there. His shop is located in Roppongi and Ekko his Japanese black girl hair guru (he cuts my hair) are there and people just drop in and it makes me feel at home. Two girls from Nigeria via NY 1 visiting her sister who is a financial analyst now l in Japan came in. Another from England via Guyana who teaches and translates for companies. One from California who teaches at a school. By the end of the night we were old friends laughing and kekeeing it. I could have sat there all night. Like me they are in Japan for different reasons at different times. I felt a comradarie and respect for these women and unspoken closeness that takes place everytime I go to Room 806-Mr. Lee's shop.

Oh this was supposed to be about the fast. I was to eat bananna's and milk for some reason. All I have to say is that saved my life because I was fadin fast honey! I broke down at the shop and had a salad with some parm flakes and 1/2 of the dressing. It was like an IV in my soul. I then went on an amazing boat ride for Brian's birthday. Met a few more journeyman, a girl from Australia who was singing on the boat. And now am back for my last bananna milk shake.

Not eating brings up issues but I can say if they coming up that means they were in there and I am grateful. Better out than in. Like poo.

Compassionate Self Forgiveness

WARNING: extremely personal. I have learned that guilt and judgment are the things that bind us and place us in hell. The internal torture is profound.
Once I started this last night I could not stop. I woke up in a panic and just felt bad about everything. I knew what to do thanks to my USM self-counseling skills. I got to it. And I am telling you, if you are feeling bad or "upset" about anything and I mean anything. I can guarantee not 100% or money back but just assure you that you can best believe underneath that feeling is a judgment and that judgment has a weight to heavy to carry. I had to lay down my burdens last night. Down by that riverside.

excerpt from my journal

I am centering myself inside myself invoking my inner counselor and go
I forgive myself for judging myself as unhealthy
I forgive myself for judging myself as toxic
I forgive myself for judging myself as lazy
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-destructive.
I forgive myself for judging myself as confused.
I forgive myself for judging myself as not enough.
I forgive myself for judging myself as less than.
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving
I forgive myself for judging myself as out of control
I forgive myself for judging myself as sick
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as needy
I forgive myself for judging myself as jealous
I forgive myself for judging myself as petty
I forgive myself for judging myself as having no wheel power
I forgive myself for judging myself as less than
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving
I forgive myself for judging myself as bad
I forgive myself for judging myself as unaware
I forgive myself for judging myself as unconscious
I forgive myself for judging myself as manipulative
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that in order to have my way I have to somehow be impaired
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that I have to be sick with cancer in order to be motivated.
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that I am sick with cancer and that I have a death wish

I am a divine being having a human experience and I have a life wish. I wish for life, love, health, courage, beauty, fitness, joy, bliss, peace, wealth, sensuality, femininity, prosperity, fertility, compassion, empathy and love

day 3

okay whatever!!!
I have been up since 5am and it is now 3:49 am. I am not happy but not hungry. I don't think its about food but it was kinda hard today. I love love loved the fruit and veggies I ate but its a lot of work eating every hour or so. Its funny because I am not hungry at all right now. wow. Fruits and veggies and more fruits and veggies in various forms. My only cheat today was a teaspoon (or so) of ranch dressing on my broccoli, pepper (red and green), and cucumber salad. It was scrumptious. My love for fruits and veggies is coming alive again. It is so important to get five a day in and eating them all day reminds me of this. My body integrates them into energy so swiftly, quickly and efficiently I wonder why I don't naturally do this. But maybe that is what a fast is for, to get me back to the basics. Yeah, simple is better. In everything.

Kanji, Hiragana, Katakana

Did you know that there are 3, that's right I said 3 Japanese alphabets??? Kanji the most difficult are the Chinese characters in the Japanese language. This must date back to some historical thing when the two were one. I am certain my ignorance is showing here because maybe I should know this but I do know more than a friend that asked if I would take a taxi to China during my stay. But the Japanese generally speaking are not fond of the Chinese. This is a broad steryotype that I have actually experienced. Maybe that is why Kanji is so darn hard to comprehend, understand or master.
Hiragana and Katakana are a bit easier. I can recognize some of these characters and it comes in handy on the train. Thank God they have English and lots of pictures as well though. Hiragana symbols represents a sound in Japanese. In Japanese foreign names are generally written using the phonetic Katakana alphabet. So like, when I was in the hospital last month My IV did not have my English name by phonetically it was my name. The nurse would come in to verify the new bag of antibiotics and say, "Matt-a-ryn Rudchita?" I would respond, "Hai"

It also helps when taking the bus to COSTCO. Yes there is one here and I love it. It brings me great joy to get a real hot dog and slice of pizza from as it is pronounced "Costa-co"

Fasting Day 2 con't

This was hard!!! It is 9:29pm and I am full but between 7 and 9 were the hardest two hours of the day. I had the worst headache, I guess my body ridding itself of all those toxins. Or me beginning to starve to death. But I was full. I realized I maybe was not consuming enough energy even though my stomach was full so I made a huge salad before our last show which is at 6:48. I know wierd time. It had spinach, cucumber, red and green pepper, and a tomato. I thought it was too much but I gobbled it down with some zero cal. dressing. I made a cup of tea and left after the show. By the time I got into a taxi to go home I had a headache and was hungry again. I walked to the Ito Yokata a like mini mall place down the street from where we live and got some stuff for more soup, I'm out of soup and a baked potato. By the time I got into my apartment I was ravished. I couldn't microwave that baby fast enough sauteed some onions but some balsamic vinegar in and down the hatch. The beast is calm for now so I think it best I go to sleep.

Why am I doing this again?

Fasting Day 2

Okay so just a recap from last night. I went to Monsoon at Ikspirari and ordered the green curry. It had some white stuff through it that looked like fresh cream and it had coconut milk in it which I tried to convince myself was a fruit. I made the decision to eat it and took one gulping spoonful and almost choked to death! Hotsuya neh??? It was spicy as all get out! I could feel the spice permeating my scars inside my throat like electricity traveling a current. Yikes! I am happy to report that the spiciness of the soup actually helped me. I picked all the veggies out, left the corn and ate them and ordered some mango juice that I pray had no added sugar. Honestly I didn't care because I needed something to take the bite out of the hot a@# soup! I also had a spoonfull of rice. Okay so I slipped for a spoon of rice. Over all I think day 1 ended not to badly.

Day 2 is all about the veggies. Getting all that chloraphyl into the body. Getting everything moving and detoxing! I started the day off with 2 glasses of water. I then went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elyptical trainer. They really make you sweat more than the treadmill. Which is probably why I have always avoided them. I was telling myself that I don't need the gym because I will need my energy for all the detoxing but I felt really crappy and tired when I woke up and I felt energized and hungry as heck when I finished. I got to the theater, had my soup watched Dexter with Emma and drank tea, water, paused the show to go to the 'loo' nice stuff I tell ya and chomped away on some veggies. Good stuff.

So far so good. I think I will make it. It's all in the decision I believe. Me deciding that this is what I was gonna do. Anyone out there worried or stressed take heart from Goethe I love this quote of his.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too." (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749-1832)

Fasting

Okay so fasting is defined as "... the act of willingly abstaining from some or all food, drink, or both, for a period of time. A fast may be total or partial concerning that from which one fasts, and may be prolonged or intermittent as to the period of fasting. Fasting practices may preclude sexual activity as well as food, in addition to refraining from eating certain types or groups of foods; for example, one might refrain from eating meat. A complete fast in its traditional definition is abstinence of all food and liquids except for water."

I am doing it for 7 reasons. I mean seven days. But I will follow this Freuadian slip with 7 reasons for fasting.
1. If u need to loose weight you will. I do so that is good.
2. It detoxifies the liver, lymphatic system, glandular, colon it the cleans you out.
3. I will feel energized. And I am tired. I have been so tired from the surgery and all the medication I have been on.
4. Okay this is getting hard. I will excercise loving discipline. The root word of discipline is disciple. So I will be loving my temple, my body. It needs some loving attention.
5. Having a sense of renewed energy, oh I already said that. But I just yawned so I really mean it.
6. I wanna look cuter than I already am when J comes to visit.
7. Cuz the SECRET says if I want it I CAN do it!!!!!

So I am doing this 7 day cleanse where I am eating mostly fruits, veggies and then towards the end meats and brown rice. So I am doing the fast type that limits certain things like sugar, flour, and starches not a complete fast. The website about fasting has a lot of info and I will be sure to say something each day about it.

So I basically ate too much yesterday but because I have been eating 6 times a day I think my stomach is shrinking so I was full almost all day. I went to The Hub to have a light dinner with Jayson Holley and then didn't even want a drink and basically forced myself to have chicken wings and risotto. Chris Boyd then invited me to his room for a X-mas party. He had homemade eggnog, gluhwine, fried chicken, deviled eggs, ginger cookies. Then Dai came over with these cheesy Japanese rice snacks. Which are by the way AMAZING. I got home stuffed and before I could guilt myself into feeling bad I got to sauteeing garlic, carrots, celery, mushrooms, peppers, and a host of other veggies. Packed my napsack for the day and was off to bed to watch SIX FEET UNDER my night cap. I am on Season 4.

Today was okay but I must say the prep work I did the night before really helped. The soup was made and put into containers. My watermelon was sliced and diced and the kiwi, tangerines, some pretty asian fruit I don't know the name of, papaya, strawberries, blueberries and apples were already ready and so was I!!!

I went to the gym on my way to work but my bag was too heavy so I just dropped off clothes in my locker so that I know I can go and not bring sneakers. In Japan's gym do not allow outside sneakers. You can rent sneakers or bring another pair that you wear only to the gym.

So I am at work and I have had two cups of my organic veggie soup. And fruit. I need to drink more water but I feel better, good, and I do not full hungry or weak or anything. I think it is primarily because my insulin levels really never get low with the sugar in the fruit.

I am supposed to go to Monsoon which is located at IKSPIARI at Disney and I hope they have some good soups. And I do remember that I am a Weight Watcher leader so I will click on the link and decide NOW what I am going to have.....I will have a soup. I may have a curry soup with veggies but I need to check to make sure there is no milk. I will have milk in 3 days. So if all else fails I will have salad with no dressing. Onward and Upward!!!!!!

GRATITUDE

I am grateful to all of you who comment on my blogs they mean so much to me. I feel that we are all on this journey and doing the best we can so its nice to feel the give and take in this blog relationship. Thanks for all your comments!

Giving-Making People Happy

So today I am deciding to be silent because I can feel my voice needs it as does my soul. I so love to please people. But instead of beating myself up about it I am going to explore the love part of it. I know all the rest, the part about me needing to please other people and how that isn't healthy. But public servants make it their life's work to please, they exist to be in service to others. Now intellectually I know that the balance is that this giving does not take away from them it actually expands them. So I am not sure my role in service but I will explore that part that loves to give; the part that expands me. Just to have a lookie lou.

I perform partly because I love to see all those joyous smiles out there. It brings me joy. When I see fans crying I do not understand it, I am intrigued and want to know more about them. What made them cry? Are they crazy? Are they projecting their love on me am I just a mirror reflecting love back to people. They think its me or something I am doing or any person that is idolized but really it is our own love reflected back to us. Or maybe the singing actually touched them. I know I am touched by words.

I was watching an episode of "Six Feet Under" and this character named 'Daddy' died. Anything about daddy's and death touch a chord with me. So they read this poem at his funeral. Okay its a television show but I was floored. Weeping at the beauty and melody that the words sewed together - like a beautiful piece of lace on my grandmothers couch that was covered in plastic to protect it. Okay I made that part up but if I had a grandmother I figure she would be the kind that would have those lace doilies and she would have a living room full of plastic. The words moved me. Someone's art changed me, echoed the love that I hold in my heart for my father and healed my heartbreak just a little. Did the writer have some experience of pain that he was working through or was he writing for the love of writing. Either way he touched me. What I can garner from this is that whaterver the reason I perform; to get noticed, because I feel alive, because it is cathartic for me to live and learn outloud because that is the example that was mirrored to me every Sunday watching my father work out family differences on the pulpit, or just simply because something touches my soul in a particular way.

I like mothering people. I love to cook. When I cook my food is so wonderfully a part of the creative process and it tastes darn good to! I want to share this goodness with others. I love that they say, "Matt you can cook!!" or "you should open a restaraunt" or "oh my God" and I also love sharing a piece of the God in me with them. This is what I have to offer. I sometimes throw delicious food away because it is too much for me to have all to myself. Part of the love in making it is giving it away- I love sharing my love through food with others. I love that people appreciate what I share.

I enjoy helping people. And again my ego is here as well. Do I feel a bit of "yeah I helped them see that" of course but the real joy comes in the spark that you see in someones eyes as they come closer to home, closer to themselves. I witnessed a live birth once in my life. Not that I haven't cried many times watching "A Baby Story" on TLC but when I saw that baby I was convinced of 2 things. 1. We are aliens (half a joke) 2. That their is a spark of life that is ignited at birth. I have been blessed to see this birth spark many times in my life with people. In audiences, in a meeting room at a Weight Watchers session, in private counsel with friends and loved ones and it moves me, it gives me such joy.

They all connect me to me and me, to the humanity of others; they all connect me to God who is LOVE. Sometimes, not always I feel that when I am doing these things I should be no other place doing no other thing than loving in the present moment as I see fit. Maybe that is the place called heaven.

Japan

I have made 4 major moves in my life. When I was 17 I moved out of my family house in the suburbs of farmy south Jersey. I say farmy south Jersey because when people think of NJ they often think of the butt-hole of NY or The Sopranos. But South Jersey is different. One of my favorite memories as a child was going to farm for fresh churned ice-cream. The cows who produces the milk for the cream where mooooing and grazing and I might add stinking as we walked into the little farm store. We could buy fresh peaches or Jersey tomatoes or corn from the little stands on the side of the road behind the rows to corn or the little corner orchard. Not like the corner liquor store but a corner orchard store. One, Heals was the name of it right before you get into Burlington off of JFK way used to have the best pies during the holiday season. Everything was always fresh.

I moved from this suburb to an even more remote and farmy Lancaster County in Southeastern Pennsylvania to go to undergraduate school at Lincoln University. If we were ever able to get a ride from campus into town you knew your 10 minute drive through the back windy roads- that turned into a house where a witch was fabled to live- if you got caught behind the Amish horse and buggy that frequented the roads as much as the cars. I lived there for 4 years never changing dormitory's or floors only room numbers and room-mates. First it was Kia-I met her in junior high, then Dia-I met at Lincoln and finally Bev- I have known her all my life.

My next year of life was spent on the road traveling with Up With People. So I basically lived out of my suit-case. For 12 months starting in Tuscon, Arizona I went all over California, Montana, Idaho, the Southern states and then to Germany, Portugal, France, Belgium, Holland, Italy and Spain. I didn't really have a central address, I was a nomad I guess. So I don't know if that counts for moving. I moved every 3 days for 12 months.

Upon returning from Up With People I was at home for approximately 12 weeks before I knew I had outgrown the farmland of the ever changing Willingboro. But I was ready for the pace and style of a big city. So I moved 25 minutes south to Philadelphia. I remember my first night in our apartment on Pine street in West Philly my room-mate Erica and I were too afraid to sleep in our own room in our beautiful wood floored, 3-bedroom, 2-bathroom apartment so we slept on two pallets side by side on the floor in the living room. We both wondered that night of all the sounds out of our window if we made the right decision. Even though Erica went to Temple she grew up in Ambler, PA which was even more grassy and suburban than Willingboro. While in Philly I moved around and learned the side and back streets of that city like the back of my hand. I went from West Philly which hosts the Ivey leauge University of Pennsylvania to the upper crust Chestnut Hill area of the city which is where one of the most prestigious prep schools in the city. Then to the Art Museum area where I was walking distance from the steps that Rocky made famous. My last stop in Philly was Spring Garden Street right down the street from my first apartment.

I left Philly for Los Angeles not knowing a thing about the city. I had only heard stories, 'don't be fooled by the palm trees, you could be in south centrals 'jungle' or "don't wear red or blue because you could get shot if you find yourself in the wrong part of town. And the projects in Los Angeles are not like the cracked out projects of Philadelphia." I also heard, "Oh Matt you are not a Barbie Doll and you just won't make it in that fake place" My first few months I only knew 3 streets and if I traveled anyway I needed to know where it was in proximity to Roberston, Sepulveda, or LaCienega. Soon I knew this city the famous 405 and its horrible traffic and also started to understand the 101, the 10 the 5, the 2, the 134 I mean really so many highways in one city???

And now Japan. At the end of the day, the players change only in race and/or ethnicity but it is another place. Beck who is also one of the BBB singers was our tour guide and we clung to her as I clung to Erica the first night in my first apartment, or my first night as a freshman at Lincoln. I couldn't possibly comprehend how I would ever in the whole 9 months of my contract ride the subway alone. I really can say I know the complex Tokyo system better than Philly's SEPTA or the subway system of NY. Well I can always go to the information booth at the station and ask, "I am going to Chelsea Studios on West 26th street which train do I take" and get directions. I guess my senses are more heightened I pay attention more, imprint things in my mind for later use more than in the US but even so vastly different Japan and the experience of moving here is filled with the exact same excitement, sense of unknowing and fear as anyplace. I suspect this is true anywhere in the world.

Guilt Free Goddess

What would it be like to live a life that you feel good about, a life filled with integrity, a life filled with choices not made as a reaction to anyone or thing but choices made from the center of you? This is the life I seek, a life without guilt. I realized today that I feel guilty about one thing or another almost every single day of my life. Several times a day in fact. Oh I should do this because of that, or if I decide not to go it will make her/him feel bad. I don't want them to think __________ so let me go ahead and do this thing that I don't want to do. Fill in the blanks please, "if you are out there, then sing a long with me if you're out there....." It is like an old, heavy, wet coat that I have on as I try to swim across a lake. It's weighing me down, it's weighing me down.
Please comment on the guilt you would like to release! We can release it today.

US Election Day in Japan 2008

People have been asking me what the climate has been for those of us not in the US. I know that this is one of the few moments of homesickness that I have felt. I wanted to be there in LA where I volunteered on the campaign to celebrate in my country. But it was nice here. I have made a clip to capture some of the feelings of what went on.

One small detail an addendum of sorts

Okay so I woke up early this morning and went down to the seawall. I was looking over the Pacific in my silent bliss and remembered that I kinda left out something. I mean about the surgery, well before the surgery. You know I was talking about the nurse and how nice and kind she was and how sweet and all and how she ushered me in so gently, well all that is true. I kind of left out how scared I really was. I don't know looking at the ocean all safe and sound it all came back to me. The translators had just left me with the NYU nurse. She walks me into the operating room. I didn't know you just like walked in and laid down on the operating table! Everyone had on masks and they looked like aliens. Saying things to me that I couldn't understand. They lifted this thing up that looked like a giant bubble wrapped heated blanket and the thought 'you will be technically dead and they will bring you back' just kinda floated past my mind. I tried to lie down but I couldn't, then the most embarrassing words started coming out of my mouth. "What if you relax my muscles so much and I am in such a deep sleep that I go on myself?"
"What?"
"umm"
"You have to go to the bathroom?"
"Can I?"
"Of Course"
Then I started thinking what if I set of some time clock of perfection and now I postponed something in my destiny, oh my maybe I should lay down. But the sweet nurse had me by my arms and was ushering me to the bathroom.

Okay carry on.

Day 4 of silence

Uhhhhhhhh. I don’t know what to say so I am just writing. My body is tired and I am whoozy but full of joy, full of bliss. Happy. Happy that my surgery went so well and I feel at home in a foreign place. Feel more welcomed here than I did in my cozy but somehow cold apartment in luscious Westwood, CA. Westwood is really Los Angeles but a city in itself. It was featured in the movie Crash where Jennifer Bullock’s character got mugged. UCLA is there, many students, a lot of wealth and suspicion. Accepted but more tolerated I think in Westwood. In Japan this is a lack of sophistication about bigotry that I love. There is honesty there. If they don’t like you they will stare spew words that you know are not kind. And if they love you and are curious to know more about you, you will know. In LA I felt safe enough but always aware, on edge not comfortable not me.

Emma, one of the “girl 2’s” in our show asked me why I acted like a baby one day. I remember in college, Mr. Z, I’ll call him, told me that I needed to grow up, stop acting so childish. In reclaiming a part of myself I lost listening to others definition of who I am, in finding my little girl again, I feel there is a wisdom in this behavior I celebrate the carefree, childlikeness of me and I believe it is the thing that keeps me young, will keep my youth and why my innocence is somehow still in tack. Mr. Z didn’t take it, though he tried. No one can really. But it happens everyday, innocence lost and the dying process quickens. I will leave this earth in my time.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well what else. I like silence. I don’t feel silence is silence. There is a lot of talking going on. I enjoy hearing other people talk. I can also tell that I make excuses for people and they make excuses for themselves. One on one people are somehow able to hear themselves in a one sided conversation. I notice they will say something, hear what they said and evaluate it for themselves. So interesting.

My mom called me this morning. It was 6:11. Me and 11- I like that number. 11. I went into the hospital 11.11 at 11am. I did something else that added up to 11 but I can’t remember it right now. But my mom called at 6:11, I wanted to yell in the phone but since I have sworn myself to silence I just pressed the answer button on my Japanese phone. My phone is white and I have two charms. The Japanese like to wear charms on their phones. It is a very big thing here. I have a heart and a head of corn. I don’t know that you say head of corn. Stalk of corn? It ain’t a corn kernel. Corn on the cob? I have a corn on the cob charm on my phone. Danielle is a mixed girl from Australia, she gave LaTeefah a watermelon charm and me a corn on the cob charm. She gave Emma a yellow pepper, and Beck something like a carrot, go figure.
Well anyway I answered my corn on the cob, heart charmed phone and said nothing. My mother quickly started in, “Mattilyn I know you can’t talk, I just want you to know I am thinking about you and I love you and I am praying for you, goodbye!” That was it and she hung up. I could tell she thinks I am suffering. I could feel her suffering though. I wish she knew that this silence is heaven for me. I love it actually. I must admit there are some times I feel the need to clarify or to ease a conversation, a point of view that seems so obvious to me but eludes those in the conversation. Inside I am yelling, “noooooo!!!!! Have you ever thought about it this way????” That is the only uncomfortable part about being silent.

It felt something like what I am now recalling that happened during surgery. I think they were trying to wake me up. But the breathing tube was still in. I was aware, I could hear them but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breath. I was trying to tell them, “I can’t breath, I hear you but I can’t do what you are asking me to do, I can’t move!” the translators were not in the operating room, I could hear my heart rate raise a little on the monitor beside me. I want to say so badly “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” They are patting me, oh yeah I hear English, the NYU nurse, she is yelling, “breath, breath, breath!” But there is something in the way, I can’t talk, I can’t swallow, I start to panic. All of a sudden I feel all these hands on me and they pull something out of my mouth from deep within me and my ass is awake now. “Breath!” And boy do I ever, “Good! Matto-san” she says and I slip away again. This also is a side of silence.

コエヲダスコトガデキナイ

KOE WO DASU KOTO GA DEKINAI

or I can't speak/talk

No fretting here I actually can speak but for the healing process of the chord I am advised not to speak for at least a week.  Then very little speaking the 2nd week then I should have the 25%  that I have lost in the past couple of months BACK!!!   

I must say even though the wing of the international hospital that I stayed in must have been the non-international side and built circa 1970 I felt very well cared for.  Like an honored guest.  I had one room-mate who was in for some sort of gum surgery and she stood at my bed and cheered me on as I went down to surgery.  My surgical nurse spoke perfect English and went to NYU and lived in NY for 7 years.  I remember her holding my hand and looking softly into my eyes as the general anesthesia began to take its affect.  I said, "I'm going" she said, "remember me"  such an odd thing to say but I do remember her and how kindly I was treated in a foreign land having surgery.  Without Jason, or my mom or my friends, my BBB family sent me text messages and Brian, Naoko and Ebony came to visit and I didn't feel alone.  

My room-mate kept giving me oranges and urged me to come to her side of the room.  Our room divided by a dingy pink partition.  She pulled it back and said, "dozo" which means something like, 'it's yours or be my guest or go ahead take it'  She pattered on in Japanese but i knew she was talking about the amazing view of Shinjiku outside our window.  I looked and oooed and ahhed but was more touched that she wanted me to feel at home.  She suspected from the translators that accompanied me and made clear all that was not, that I was alone and wanted to do all she could with her limited English to ease my comfort.  

I heard her cry out in between quiet snores during the two nights we shared a room.  Her surgery was scheduled for the day after mine and the day of my release from the Shinjiku International Medical Center.  In the morning when the translator came they told me she was amazed at my bravery and that she was terrified.  I wrote on my board, since I am no longer speaking for 1 week, "gambatte ne"  she beamed.  I think it means something like good luck, gods speed I really don't know but I know it means well and she got the meaning.  

My surgery went better than expected.  The polyp had shrunk a bit.  I told everyone this and they thought I was being silly.  So the 10-20 minute surgery ended up being 5.  There were absolutely no complications.  It took me a while to wake up though.  I believe that my sweet nurse was off helping another scared soul.  I was in the usual expected post surgery pain.  My upper lip was busted.  Not quite sure how that one happened, guess I will never know that one.  Jaw hurt from being pry ed open so far.  Throat was sore from the tubes, but other than that I was pretty genki.  

Back in my room my roommate was waiting anxiously.  For her I know her concern was two-fold.  The first I already mentioned but the second; if I made it, if I came back alive somehow it meant she would.  She wanted to talk to me and the translators, angels in their own right, urged her not to talk too much that I was unable to talk to heal my chords.  "Ah big singer!"  I saw her eyes brighten as she backed up and I drifted back into the ether's of my surgical bliss.  I was having a dream or was in a happy place when they aroused me.  I couldn't quite get back there.  

Slowly as I came two she came and gave me two tangerines.  I nodded and smiled.  

I left the hospital before she got out of surgery.  But in the same way she rooted for me, I rooted for her, am still rooting for her speedy recovery.  Last night as I lay in my comfortable bed in Shin-Urayasu, I thought of her and the dingy room we shared for two nights.  Was she alone in that room, was someone there to replace me?  I wanted her name or something but I don't think I will ever see her again.  For me she was my angel of hope and she helped get me through.  Deshta my friend!

I KNOW

A shot from the dressing room.  Behind me you can see the quote wall.  Whenever anyone says something that is very funny or witty we post it on the wall.  Makes the long days go by.  

I have just finished one show and have one to go!  Yippie.  It's a quiet day backstage here at Big Band Beat.  I just had a small explosion with a water bottle.  I put it in the freezer for a bit and was shaking it and shaking it and BOOM!  You ca see bits of chocolate on my robe.  That's about all going on here.  

I learned a new word today, shiatoru, which means "I know".  

We just got our 30 minute call "for the show to start"

All I can say is.....

I WISH I HAD MY CAMERA when I went to get my second opinion for my surgery which will happen by the way.  I will go under the knife to get the tiny polyp removed and I will be silent, not even heavy breathy the doctor said for TWO WHOLE WEEKS.  Can I do it?  Well we know I can.  The real question is will I?  I say yes.  It is a challenge indeed.  To not speak or utter a sound, voluntarily for 14 whole days.  I was thinking maybe I should just go into the mountains while I'm at it and contemplate.  

When you visit a specialist in Japan you cannot make an appointment.  You must go and wait your turn.  We waited, Masa the translator and I, for about an hour and a half.  The hospital looked like a US version hospital circa 1965.  Not that I was alive then but I'm just sayin.  And there were a LOT of people there.  In Japan if you have any ailment you wear a mask.  I think its to keep germs out but it looks like they are keeping them in.  What a polite society.  Wearing a mask to protect others from catching your germs.  Not just cover the mouth with your hand when you sneeze or cough, no you cover your face and walk around like you are about to go into surgery all day.  So polite.  The files move throughout the hospital via some type of train on the ceiling.  I really felt like I was in an episode of Star Wars.  There is this mixture of modern technology, extreme proficiency and ridiculous steps that are intriguing.  My emotions ran from feeling very safe to feeling like I was trapped in a alien spaceship.  

After my evaluation with the doctor, Masa and I received a map.  On this map were the 8 different locations throughout the hospital that we had to visit before departing.  1st stop get blood taken for tests.  Not 1 not 2 but 10 viles of blood.  I needed a transfusion before going to step 2 which was the ol pee cup trick.  Next and electrocardiogram, chest x-ray, a pin going through my ear to see how long it took me to stop bleeding, a lung function test, setting the operation date and finally the bill....TBC...

Polyp update

And the plot thickens!  So I have been on vocal rest for most every day.  I don't speak from 11 am until 7:30 pm every day.  Okay.... that is I think the most challenging thing I have ever done in my whole entire life, well that and the Broad Street Run-an annual 10 mile race in Philadelphia-  that was hard!  But this......quiet stuff?  

Of course without trying very hard, I see the silver lining in my choice to be silent for the life of my vocal chords.  Talking has put a strain on my chords.  They are not uncommon to singers and vocal rest is not uncommon either.  

My Uncle Crip, used to call me 'motor mouth'.  I guess I earned that name from.....my ability to have my own thoughts at an early age.  Not that children don't have their own thoughts but I always thought my thoughts needed to be heard.  So I had thoughts and I spoke them.  Now as a child you don't always have the filter that tells you when something is appropriate to say or not.  So that came with a few consequences.  I told a family secret once.  And got in big BIG trouble.  You will have to wait til the book comes out to hear that one.  My mother was so angry with me about telling one cousins business to another cousin.  I thought she would never forgive me.  Another time I witnessed an argument between my parents.  I just did not think my mother was handling it very well.  And when she was alone, I gave her a piece of my mind.  She appreciated it but my father did not.  

 My report cards would often have the S mark which meant SATISFACTORY under "Needs to practice self control".  At parent teacher conferences my teachers would remark on how bright I was, how charismatic and a joy to have in the classroom BUT 'Mattilyn finishes her work early and wants to either talk or teach the other children in the classroom".  

 My mouth has been my gift and curse in this lifetime.  I am blessed with a beautiful voice, I make a living doing voiceovers and singing/acting.  People gather to listen to my insights at my WW meetings where I am a leader, people value what I say.  In the dressing room here in Japan I will often hear, "Matt what do you think"  And usually I have a thought.  Yet, I find it difficult to say certain things that need to be said, and I find it even more difficult to not say things that don't need to be said.  It's like I can't help myself.  Can talking too much be an addiction?

I was in the dressing room with the ladies of the Big Band Beat show and everyone was talking about there childhood.  And I started telling this story about my mother and it was pretty personal.  I remember having the thought that maybe they don't need to know this.  Afterall we will be together for 9 months and go on our merry way.  When I run for office, or hit it big at the box office do I want someone digging up this story?  Without my permission?  I actually had that thought, these are collegues not friends -at least not yet- but did I stop talking?  NO!  And what do you know dear Emma was videotaping me!  That shut me up quick.  I felt a bit violated, felt the need to defend my mother and all I had said.  It's like, I can talk about my momma but no one else can.  Betta not!

After my last visit to the renowned voice box doctor in Tokyo some 500 dollars later he tells me my options, get the polyp removed or just be quiet.  Celine Dion does it.  She just does not speak on days when she is performing.  This was like me being sentenced to hell.  Silence.  Me not talking.  Many singers have miraculously cured vocal injuries by resting their voices.  Could I?  Might I?  How different would my life be if I stopped talking?  I could feel I needed to try it but the resistance was so great I went along with the tide of ease.  That is until we started rehearsals for the Christmas Show.  Which is by the way FABULOUS!!!  If you can make it to Japan during holiday season come!!  Tokyo Disney does the American Christmas better than we do.  I actually got the Christmas spirit and its not even Thanksgiving yet!  

The solo that I sing in the Christmas show is quite high.  I couldn't sing it!  It sounded like I was yelling!  Yikes!  After a meeting with Ison the shows creator and director, she asked me to not speak.  The translator informed me that Ison and the Production Team were very concerned about my voice and until I get a second opinion I needed to be quiet at work.  Then I heard the director look at me with her piercing kind eyes, they reminded me of my mother the way she looked at me directly, peering over her glasses as if to get a better view into me.  And the chunk, chita bakada came tumbling out of her mouth I got something sincere, sweet and very serious.  It took a few moments for her to finish and the translator impartially said, "You talk too much"  I am thinking how do you know?  They are not with me 24-7, I am not talking through rehearsals and unless they have spies in the dressing room how in the hell does she know my speaking habits?  And that was that, talking stopped.  

Now in my defense, I have the right to be me.  If I have something to say, I need to say it without remorse or guilt or regret.  I speak from a place of compassion, truth and love.  But with that said, my life was calling for silence.  And so it was.  For the past week I have successfully not spoken for most every day.  Amazing insights came forward.  And strange things have happened.  I can hear myself!  Ideas that I bury away are waiting for my attention.  When I do speak people are so excited that I have decided to grace them with my words.  But more than that and most importantly, I am able to value my own words.  Today, when talking to the girls about a would be misunderstanding I broke my silence to settle things.  Beck said, "I love it when you talk Matt"  Chirs said to me, "...the energy is different when you don't speak, it was hard for all of us..."  While all of this is so very flattering, I realized that other people's lives, needs, worries or words had taken a front seat to my own.  People would try to engage me even though they knew I was not talking, my need to want to talk to them or explain was stopped short by my decision to support myself.  

The Japanese greet each morning with "Ohio gazimus!!! Genki?" which translates, "good morning, are you good?"  It was so hard for me to just smile and nod.  I wondered if the 1000 stage managers had told them, that I was not speaking but had not all of a sudden turned rude.  The hair and makeup people often chat with me while fixing my hair before going on stage I always leave the hair room with "Arigato gazaimus!"  (thank you) and I say it loud!  But hoping my nod is enough has been hard.  I have noticed such a need to please and be appropriate and right and fair that my thoughts, my ideals, my dreams become marginalized.  

All of that to say, there have been many discoveries in silence.  I welcome them.  Tomorrow I meet with the surgeon for a second opinion and we will see the benefits of my two weeks of silence.  

  

My New Bike

A couple of you know that I have been excited about my new bike!  So here it is.  

Kamukura

This is a wonderful city about an hour and half from Tokyo.  It was my first event since arriving here in July and I say hurray!  This town although crowded because it is a holiday weekend was so wonderful and spiritual.  You wash your hands before you go to the temple or shrines.  

I remember coming to see this Buddha when I was 8 years old.  It was first built in 1252.  How amazing and wonderful.  

We also observed a traditional wedding.  Don't she look pertty??

And some women who were dressed traditionally agreed to take a photo opp with me.  You don't often see people in Tokyo dressed traditionally unless they are older or for special occasions.  

Sign Up as an Enthusiast for my blog!!!

I keep hearing from people that they are enjoying the blogs and I would love to see who you are!!!!  If you click on the link "follow this blog"  I would appreciate it so very much.  

Enjoy!  

Be an enthusiast! And.......BATS!!!

So I am not the best editor in the world but on our 15 minute walk home from the train station these birds always jut down at our heads..... uh yeah right!

Check out the video and please become an enthusiast to this blog!!!  It would mean so much. 

A day in the life...some photos

We spend so much time back stage.  There are a total of five singers in the show.  5 guys and five girls.  In the picture are Lateefah and Jeremy waiting for their shift.  

Here is the front of the Broadway Theater 

Last looks after one of the costume changes.  There is a hair and make up dept and a costume department there to help perfect the Disney "look"

On my days off I sometimes ride my bike to the bay and ride along the water.  Nice and peaceful here.  

Home is where the heart is.

Life is not about where you are.  

I grew up in Willingboro, NJ a suburb about 25 minutes north of Philadelphia and I couldn't wait until I was old enough to get out of the house.  I thought I knew everything and my parents knew nothing.  College for me was more about escaping from my parents than about getting an education.  But an education was what I got.  I was almost raped about 3 times during my 4-year college experience.  Talk about sheltered.  

I thought I knew everything and my parents knew nothing.  After graduation I joined Up With People for a fantastic life-changing but painfully lonely year.  I traveled the world and lived out of my suitcase.  My home being the 80 cities throughout the 13 countries I visited as a cast member and soloist.  As a young adult with my life ahead of me, I took life and every opportunity that came before me for granted.  I lived at home with my parents upon returning from my journey for only 3 months and I couldn't stand it.  I moved to Philly and on my own got myself into more trouble than I can tell in a short paragraph.  I was taken advantage of and betrayed in such a profound way that I am still healing from the pain that my blind trust inflicted on my "divine being having a human experience".  Don't get me wrong I grew as a person and did amazing things.  I started my acting/singing career.  Helped found a non-profit that traveled with kids to Africa and Europe.  I was the Program and Creative Director of this program and literally changed the course of about 30 kids per year's life.  But I had to get out of Philadelphia and to get away from all the dysfunction that my running from my family had created.  It was time for me, time to finally forge my own way so 'California here i come!'   

California was where my father died and I was robbed at gun-point.  My father didn't physically die in California but I was living in California when he died.  I was heart broken, my family- that I ran from- was now missing a significant player and he would never return.  In California I also got a MA in Spiritual Psychology and finally premiered my one-woman show "A Song for my Father". But I still felt cornered and smothered and nothing was happening the way I had hoped.  Everything, though rich with wonderful was costing me a bit of myself.  The opportunity to come to Japan happened upon my path.  Again, I jumped at the opportunity to venture out to new territory.  I needed to get away.  

All of this has taught me that the one common denominator in my life has been and will always be me.  I have been with me from NJ, to Philly, to Africa, Europe and now Asia and that something that is eating away is coming more from me than from outside of me.  What is it?

A lot of people are so in awe of my travels, my life and my fearlessness to step into the world at large and I don't want to minimize anything that I have accomplished or experienced.  I have had a rich and wonderful life so far and hope that it deepens in richness and wonder.  I intend for that to happen.  But I to stand in awe of my friends and family who have chosen to stick close to home or what they know, of their ability to take root somewhere and build something.  Both have their ups and downs and both have their sacrifices.  You loose something in all of it and you gain something no matter the side of the fence you choose.  I am not in the lives of my nephews or my family or friends in the way my heart aches for me to be.  I have missed weddings, funerals, births and milestone events.  I do not have a husband or children to call my own.  My "home" is wherever I make one to lay my head.   Yet I am a global citizen.  I see the similarities that we as humans have no matter the shape, size color, culture or ethnic group we come in.  I can feel at "home" no matter where I am in the world.  I belong every where that I am in the world.  I get to witness humanity in all its forms.  I am lucky in this.  

Here in Japan, in the buzz and murmur where I  don't know what the news, radio, conversation on the train or around me means, I really am in a bubble.  Words have no weight on me and I like it.  Words are used to order food, get directions in the subway but other than that I am ignorant-- and it is bliss.  I don't have to carry the burden of this culture.  But still I feel the pressure of life ebbing down on me.  I must do something, I am supposed to be doing something.  It dawned on me today that while I am pushing myself to do something to be something that maybe just once in my life I should relish in just being me.  Pause in the now of life and give thanks.  What would happen in my life if I took all the external pressures away and just was... well... me?  

What am I running from, or to?  Do I need to know?  Must I put myself under pressure once again to figure things out or should I just be?  I can afford to just be present in the moment for once in my life.  I don't have a husband that I have to rush home and cook dinner for, no children pulling on me as if my body is no longer my own, no one demanding much except that I show up 5 days a week to do what I love; dress up and sing.  Why am I still unhappy in this?  Can I just live in this space and just be for a little while?  Can I allow myself the luxury of watching whatever I want on TV?  Not having to share my space or time or attention with or on anyone but myself?  And why is this so difficult for me?  Why is the green always greener on the other side of the fence?  Just something to ponder.  

Today on the train I was watching on old podcast of the TODAY show they said that the earth could be swallowed up in a black hole.  I felt the fear and panic of all the things I haven't done in life, all that I would loose.  I was reminded of something my mother once said, 'I only focus on the bad things in my life'.  For once I will stop and smell the roses.  Or the cherry blossoms.  

Outside of my window I can understand something.  Loud, very loud Karaoke, amidst children yelling.  Children sound the same no matter the language.  Someone is singing, "We Are The Champions"  off key.  

IT'S TIME

Last week I bought a bicycle and little by little I think I am ready.  I am ready to experience Japan!!!!  It's time.  It is time to explore and see and feel what it's like to be in Japan.  I am ready to leave the comfort zone just a bit.  I think my first stop may be Osakusa or is it Osakasa?  Not sure but I will find out before I get there.  It is a little under an hour away and I think I am ready.  The hum drum of being around so many Americans has taken its final toll.  It is so easy to come to Japan and never leave the US.  I went to Bubba Gumps last weekend.  You can spend a lifetime here and never really be here.   It is time to explore and see cultural differences more and find out what this beautiful and vastly different culture is all about.  I am used to the random stares but know they will grow in intensity and number as I venture away from the city.  They challenge is I have only two days off a week and they are not together.  I will start out with day trips and then see what happens from there.  Yippeeeee!!

Throat Update

Well it ain't grand I tell ya.  My throat hurts.  Things in the dressing room are less than optimal and I hate blogging when all is not grand and wonderful.  Well, you want a full experience of my full experience and this is it.  Welcome.  I went to the doctor, AGAIN, on Friday and before I left the office was calling to see if I could come in because one of the girls in the show hurt her foot somehow.  After some back and forth (there are serious details in this but I'm not sure if I should post it here) I went in and was warmly welcomed by all but one of my cast mates.  I can read energy very well.  

The doctor gave me the option to have surgery, NO! Deal with it or spend money for an inebulizer and to be very careful.  So I am singing in a very different way.  This is a bit of a blessing in disguise.  One of my creative goals was to really stretch myself and to move out of my creative comfort zone so that I could grow musically.  Many years ago a voice teacher tried to convince me that I was not an alto but a lyric soprano.  Now this is hilarious to me because I have, on more than one occasion, been called "Sir" by a telemarketer or bill collector.  With this injury I am forced to sing from a lighter more vulnerable place.  From the warm-ups and work I have been doing I have found a new sound.  Amazing, and a silver lining in all of this.  

Fibroids, Indometriosis, Polyps, lumps all in one year.  A blessing that it is nothing more but reality that I am getting old???  Not taking care of myself?  Or both maybe.  

I am learning a bit more Japanese every day, getting to know some of the Japanese dancers but something is missing.  I haven't found my mojo here yet.  I love it, yes and think this is where I am to be right now but I am not yet here, if that makes any sense.  It's funny how at home I feel in a foreign place.  I don't feel like a stranger here or to anyone really.  Maybe it is because of the way I was raised.  Travelling, meeting new people and always in a new social setting or situation.  But I am looking for something and I fear I am looking outside myself for something that is not outside of myself.  It is not in a job or a situation but "it" resides within me.  A bit of loving discipline seems to be in order.  

People are really tired I am assuming.  I will continue this study throughout my time here, very interesting.  Everywhere I go, someone is asleep.  

BORED

How can you be bored in a new country.  Michael Beckworth founder of AGAPE in Los Angeles said that boredom is the minds way of distraction.  What am I distracted from?  Sight seeing?  Exploring?  I feel like Kimberly Elise's character in Beloved.  She never left her yard.  Stayed close to the house.  

My friend Chris is here to fill the day.  

Just another day in Tokyo

Okay so I got a new camera and my computer is not recognizing it so you will have to wait for photos.  I am listening to some Acid Jazz and it is actually getting on my nerves so I think I will turn it off.  I had this whole image of me in my studio blogging away with low lights and acid jazz.  Uh, don't think so.  And the low lights are making me sleepy.

Now with silence, my thoughts and the ticking away of my hands translating the thoughts my mind is sending them I feel at peace.  Today I don't think I interacted with any Japanese.  Oh no I am wrong the girl at the counter at Wendy's and the guy in the international market.  That was it.  I learned a new word, how much?, but have since forgotten it.  I will work on that one tomorrow until it sticks.  'How much?' is an important word.  I know how to say it in French -com bien- don't know if I am spelling it right but I do know how to say it.  French won't help to much in these parts.  

Last night I accidentally took a triple dose of some of the medication I have been on.  Ooops.  Thank God I am here to tell about it.  Not that serious really since I have been told that because of the stature of the people and inclination towards a more holistic approach to healing I don't think my over dosage was any more than an actual American dosage.  Or that is what I keep telling myself.  But tell that to my liver.  I was wondering why I kept going to the bathroom all night even though I hadn't had much water.  My body was trying to purify itself.  With my doodling on the Japanese instructions and me trying to recall what the translator explained from the pharmacist, mistook 1 tablet 3 times a day for 3 tablets 3 times a day.  All day long I was wondering, 'why am I so sleepy and loopy feeling?'  I was hallucinating a bit as well.  Well just having an extremely vivid dream.  

Luckily I re-read everything this morning and realize that I did not have enough of the most important meds and that I had been taking too much of the other.  Whatever I did, my voice is not hoarse today and I feel well on my way to recovery.  I am usually a much more obedient patient.  My bad.  

I tried to have complete silence today to rest my chords some more and it did not happen.  Not singing is more difficult than not talking.  I was never aware of how much I hum a little ditty or sing a short verse until I spent the day trying not to have any vocal sounds come from my mouth.  Interesting.  I had to stop listening to music this morning because I was singing too much.  Or was that the meds?

I cooked Chicken Caccitore and brown rice for dinner.  The brown rice was cooked in a rice cooker and came out like mush.  All of the instructions are in Kanji one of the three written Japanese languages and I am not certain that Paul the kind building super understood the directions any better than I did.  Kanji evolves and changes so that older people sometimes have difficulty reading newer more evolved forms of the ever growing language.  Paul tried to explain as best he could how to cook the rice, which buttons meant which but by the time I got to the actual cooking I was even more confused.  

I added a side dish of eggplant parm. and Lateefah and Chris joined me for dinner.  I wanted to invite Tee as we call her because she has been holding it down singing my shifts and her own shifts because I am out on vocal rest.  Even though we are paid to do five shows a day, we rarely are required to.  Tee has basically been doing what we were originally paid to do.  But I was grateful that she came in on her day off yesterday and took one for the team.  

And that has pretty much been my day, that and catching up on episodes of "Dirt" a FX show that gives the grimy more real side of Hollywood.  Wow, I still wonder how I will get from here to there.  Do I have to pull some kind of stunt?  Loose 100 pounds?  How will I get the people who make the decisions about who gets seen for what parts in Hollywood to care about Mattilyn Corelia Rochester?  No one quite like this one here people.  

I am open for comments and suggestions on this one guys.  

YES WE CAN

"ONLY IN AMERICA"

I am watching the Obama biography video  and getting ready to hear the next president of the United States of America speak and my heart is stirring.  I don't know why I have flurries and butterflies outside of the obvious.  The obvious being I wish my father were alive to witness this day the same day some 45 years later that Martin Luther King Jr. said, I have a dream.  Or that I feel connected to my country, to being an American where my dreams can actually come to fruition.  

I remember when Jesse Jackson was making his bid for the presidency.  I was young but had seen a lot.  I had witnessed my father get jumped on by toy cops at Six Flags Great Adventure in NJ.  He bought over 200 people from our church conference every year to this park.  He and his friend Rev. Tate witnessed a black man being brutalized by the cops and they stood and asked what was going on.  I witnessed them jump on my father and throw him in the back of the car.  I witnessed them apologize only when they found out who he was.  But what if he was just him and not a title.  I have been teased for talking looking to black, big eyes, big butt, big lips and a big nose.  I have been followed in stores for browsing while black, I have been run off the road for driving while black while in college.  Not an American, separate, wrong somehow for being black.  I was, in the 5th grade, not encouraged to join a spelling B or move to the next level buts scolded that I was winning too much and had to give the other kids a turn.    

I remember learning about Abraham Lincoln freeing the slaves and being murdered.  I remember learning about Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X and the Kennedy's all hero's shot down before I was born.  I was taught not to hope too much, don't make too much of a stir, do good enough but not too good, it's not good to have too much.  Don't put a grand idea or hope that will only be shot down into the minds of a black boy or girl.  You can shoot for your dreams but not too high or too far.  

I remember thinking how futile it was for Jesse Jackson and how thwarted was my ability to hope for him.  But today, as I have strived and hoped to dream the impossible dream for myself.  That I a woman, black will get an Academy Award at this stage in the game.  That I can affect change or instill hope in someones life.  That I can inspire others and touch others in a way that only I can.  Without having to take my clothes off or show my ass.  Today I am still dreaming that dream for myself AND I am dreaming a larger dream for my country.  Today hope revived, I believe Yes We Can.  

However large or small are dreams are, YES WE CAN and Yes I Can.

"And God Bless the United States of America!" -Barack Obama  

Polyps

So I went to a world renowned doctor today.  He told me I had the best looking vocal chords he has ever seen in his life.  That was the good news.  The bad, because I started singing too soon trying to people please or Disney please as usual, I harmed my vocal chords and now have a small polyp on my right chord.  The silver lining in all of this is that I went in to this world renowned vocal specialist, had I not, instead of taking 5 days off of singing and speaking (more or less on the speaking) I could have possibly destroyed my voice and the wonderful range that I have.  Wow.  The tears lessoned on that one.  And still I feel a bit guilty, putting the load on Lateefah.  But if the tables were turned I would be holding the load for her.  So I pray she can hang in there for a sistah.   Damn!

I go back to him on Monday for a lookie.  He said when I heal he will be in the audience, from the looks of the chords, I can blow!   Hallelujah. 

Mondays

Okay so today was interesting.  I lost my temper which is something that does not happen to me often.  Well maybe it wasn't my temper rather my cool.  My feathers got a little ruffled. Lost in translation again.  I should know better I keep telling myself but the thing about cultural integration is that I am here to!  I matter!  Okay so what happened?  The show was going fine  until the curtain call.  Oh... before I forget a few of you have been asking about when the show will be on YouTube.  Well, I am not supposed to do that....stay tuned.  

Curtain call.  I wait back in the wings until the thick red velvet curtain comes down, there is a flurry and scurry of dancers and singers moving on the stage and off the stage.  I am moving onstage next to one of the male singers for our bow.  Normally I cross far upstage near the orchestra.  Today on the first of 5 shows I may have gone a bit further downstage than normal.  Well excuse the heck outta me!  I narrowly missed a handsome Japanese dancer.  I should know his name right?  I don't.  I will get it.  I am learning names but it is a challenge.  Everything doesn't sound entirely the same anymore like mush to my ear but now it is just a matter of me remembering what I hear.  Well, we did not collide (the handsome dancer and I), the curtain was down so the audience didn't witness our almost mishap, and all was well.  Or so I thought.  An hour or so later I was in the male dancer's dressing room watching episodes of Sex in the City and telling a story about me outsmarting the 8th grade bully Dardie at Memorial Jr. High.  When I was politely approached by the dance captain who had a book with all these drawings.  Now here comes the cultural part.  When someone speaks English to you,  or I should say speaks English to me.  I tend to comprehend and experience them from an English perspective.  My first error.  She goes on to explain to me all the exits of dancers and how I have to wait for this dancer to exit and I should follow behind the singer and wait a few seconds for this dancer and that dancer to clear me.  All the while she is pointing to these stick figures and squares and triangles in the book.  It looked like a football playbook to me.  I was a little pieved but I said, okay and went on about my 7th grade victory over the mighty 8th grader.  I told Dardie off and got the respect of the whole 8th grade!  Dardie never picked on me again and we even became friends.  

Second show of 5, curtain call  I do what I am asked by my Japanese peers......I'M LATE!!!   I smile and beam at the eager audience and do the curtain call but I was not happy.  All that goes on back stage is not as important to me as what happens to and for the audience.  'Ah Matt it's no biggie' I tell myself,  I quiet my ego who is going on and on about how, 'Well you the one who looks stupid and you trying to dart in and out and that is not what the director told you to do and you are out here looking late!  Like YOU don't know what you doing'  I hush my ego, push away the anger and that's that.  

After lunch my throat which I am still nursing back to health is in need of more and more water.  3rd show of 5.  After my big number I have a not so quick change into another costume for a group number.  Normally I go and switch in and out of costumes with no problem.  The only problem which isn't really a problem is that I have to go to the ladies room from the unusually large amounts of mizu (water) that I have been consuming.  There are lots of undergarmets that we wear to look so beautiful and sleek on stage so I have to take off  the one gown, my undergarmets and quickly put on a robe and slippers and make it to the bathroom which is at the other end of a long corridor.  So I am making my way with my baby blue robe and pink Crocs and I hear, in hushed hurried English, "Sorry, sorry Matt, sorry Matt!"  Well no one did anything so I turn to see who has done what to warrant such a sorry.  "Goooo!!!!"  The petite always polite dance captain is yelling at me- so I move to the side and let her pass.  Now remember, I am not normally in the hallway so I gather after she dumps one costume and runs a few feet ahead of me to two waiting dressers to put on another costume that I have interrupted a quick change.  I quickly quiet my ego, 'she didn't have to yell!  how the heck was I supposed to know!', explaining that well she didn't have to yell but she was in a rush.  Off to the the bathroom I rush and back into my now quick change to finish the show.  

A knock on the door and one of the twenty something stage mangers (there are so many of them) that we have is quietly saying, "Matt--ooh!"  which is how they say my name (Matt then oh!) I come out and he is explaining to me as best he can in his Jap-English that I was in the way and can I wait and on and on and on.  I politely nod, not feeling the need to explain my position or my bladders position and think, well just let this go and say "hi" -which means yes.  And on to the 4th show we go.  

At the end of the 4th show our dressing room is filled with Monday's usual suspects - myself and Dani, we are doing all five shows today, Chris, Jayson and Haydin.  There is a Australian TV show on the DVD player that no one is watching and napping or quiet conversation going on.  A lot of nothing really.  In enters James another lovely singer and vocal captain.  And dagonit if he isn't telling me that he and the dance captain have just watched the 4th show and that I didn't push the dancers hand exactly on the line.  I was a few seconds late.  Is it me or am I being punked?  Well I began saying, "now maybe we need to get an interpreter because I am feeling a bit picked on today and I am starting get upset."  The more I said, 'I'm starting to get upset', the more upset I became.  Before you know it I was raising my voice and being calmed my James.  I thought and said to him that yeah I get the whole, they do things a certain way but so do I.  I take my work and the quality of my performance very seriously and frankly this is getting on my nerves.  It is taking my focus away from the performance and on something that to me has nothing to do with nothing!  

Here is where my cultural learning came in.  It really was NOT personal.  I could not understand why the dance captain came to me once and then used the stage managers and then the vocal captain to talk to me.  It felt very personal and nit picky.  It felt petty.  I had my dukes raised ready for a junior high school battle.  3 different people approached me about things that to me were unimportant.  To them, I was told, they thought maybe I didn't know.  I am thinking, well if I haven't done it at all before, wouldn't you think it was a small unimportant error.  Mentioning it yes, but telling this person, to tell that person, to watch a video tape, have 3 meetings, get charts and talk to me??  Between what I thought, what is normal to me and whatever they were thinking there was a misunderstanding.  I mean come on.   I am sure wars have been fought over sillier things.  

Rainy Sunday's

So I have Sunday's off.  Last Sunday I went to the doctor's office.  I never actually saw his mouth because he had a mask on.  I did not take it personally since I see lots of people with masks on here and there on the subways and what not.  It's pretty interesting actually.  My interpreter Masa suggested  I get one as well.  I had a virus in my throat and was prescribed 5 different pills!!! 

At the pharmacy I had to jot down what was what for obvious reasons.  I now have a cough I didn't have but who knows.  Lot's of rest and I really need to take care of myself a bit better.  Today was nice though.  I got 5,000 yen in the mail (yeah you get mail on Sundays!!) well not actual cash money but I could use it at the Ito which is a department store one block from my apartment building.  It has a KFC, which I haven't had yet, a McDonalds (okay once.... okay okay I had it 2xs!), a grocery store, and every other kind of store in one building, I guess its a mall but not really.  I walked around and got some things to make life easier.  It's been raining since yesterday so I bought a cute little blue raincoat, some kitchen items, some celery so I can make some potato salad, and just a little bit of this and that.

I cleaned my apartment, Skyped with Jason, Sarah and Beverly and watched episodes of Monk and CSI Miami.  I didn't really feel like I was in Japan today just far away from everyone I know and love.  I think in the next couple of weeks I will be ready to venture out into the world a little more.  

Last week I went to the Park Hyatt Hotel in Shinjiku with fellow cast mate Chris.  It's the hotel the the movie "Lost in Translation" was filmed.  We spent a lot of money eating in the restaurant on the 42nd floor of the hotel that looks out over all of Tokyo.  It was wonderful.  The food was a taste of heaven as was the service.  

The shows are going pretty good.  I kinda like when my voice is hoarse because I am forced to be vocally creative.  So this week has been fun.  The audiences are amazing.  I am amazed at how they love the show.  There were these two women sitting in the front row who caught my eye during my last show yesterday.  They were waving wildly at me so I gave them a quick wave back.  There heads collided with such force I thought they would knock each other out.  I almost lost my step in our dance routine.  I felt like I made their day with my acknowledgment but little do they know, my heart was tickled!