Day 4 of silence

Uhhhhhhhh. I don’t know what to say so I am just writing. My body is tired and I am whoozy but full of joy, full of bliss. Happy. Happy that my surgery went so well and I feel at home in a foreign place. Feel more welcomed here than I did in my cozy but somehow cold apartment in luscious Westwood, CA. Westwood is really Los Angeles but a city in itself. It was featured in the movie Crash where Jennifer Bullock’s character got mugged. UCLA is there, many students, a lot of wealth and suspicion. Accepted but more tolerated I think in Westwood. In Japan this is a lack of sophistication about bigotry that I love. There is honesty there. If they don’t like you they will stare spew words that you know are not kind. And if they love you and are curious to know more about you, you will know. In LA I felt safe enough but always aware, on edge not comfortable not me.

Emma, one of the “girl 2’s” in our show asked me why I acted like a baby one day. I remember in college, Mr. Z, I’ll call him, told me that I needed to grow up, stop acting so childish. In reclaiming a part of myself I lost listening to others definition of who I am, in finding my little girl again, I feel there is a wisdom in this behavior I celebrate the carefree, childlikeness of me and I believe it is the thing that keeps me young, will keep my youth and why my innocence is somehow still in tack. Mr. Z didn’t take it, though he tried. No one can really. But it happens everyday, innocence lost and the dying process quickens. I will leave this earth in my time.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well what else. I like silence. I don’t feel silence is silence. There is a lot of talking going on. I enjoy hearing other people talk. I can also tell that I make excuses for people and they make excuses for themselves. One on one people are somehow able to hear themselves in a one sided conversation. I notice they will say something, hear what they said and evaluate it for themselves. So interesting.

My mom called me this morning. It was 6:11. Me and 11- I like that number. 11. I went into the hospital 11.11 at 11am. I did something else that added up to 11 but I can’t remember it right now. But my mom called at 6:11, I wanted to yell in the phone but since I have sworn myself to silence I just pressed the answer button on my Japanese phone. My phone is white and I have two charms. The Japanese like to wear charms on their phones. It is a very big thing here. I have a heart and a head of corn. I don’t know that you say head of corn. Stalk of corn? It ain’t a corn kernel. Corn on the cob? I have a corn on the cob charm on my phone. Danielle is a mixed girl from Australia, she gave LaTeefah a watermelon charm and me a corn on the cob charm. She gave Emma a yellow pepper, and Beck something like a carrot, go figure.
Well anyway I answered my corn on the cob, heart charmed phone and said nothing. My mother quickly started in, “Mattilyn I know you can’t talk, I just want you to know I am thinking about you and I love you and I am praying for you, goodbye!” That was it and she hung up. I could tell she thinks I am suffering. I could feel her suffering though. I wish she knew that this silence is heaven for me. I love it actually. I must admit there are some times I feel the need to clarify or to ease a conversation, a point of view that seems so obvious to me but eludes those in the conversation. Inside I am yelling, “noooooo!!!!! Have you ever thought about it this way????” That is the only uncomfortable part about being silent.

It felt something like what I am now recalling that happened during surgery. I think they were trying to wake me up. But the breathing tube was still in. I was aware, I could hear them but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breath. I was trying to tell them, “I can’t breath, I hear you but I can’t do what you are asking me to do, I can’t move!” the translators were not in the operating room, I could hear my heart rate raise a little on the monitor beside me. I want to say so badly “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!” They are patting me, oh yeah I hear English, the NYU nurse, she is yelling, “breath, breath, breath!” But there is something in the way, I can’t talk, I can’t swallow, I start to panic. All of a sudden I feel all these hands on me and they pull something out of my mouth from deep within me and my ass is awake now. “Breath!” And boy do I ever, “Good! Matto-san” she says and I slip away again. This also is a side of silence.