Polyp update

And the plot thickens!  So I have been on vocal rest for most every day.  I don't speak from 11 am until 7:30 pm every day.  Okay.... that is I think the most challenging thing I have ever done in my whole entire life, well that and the Broad Street Run-an annual 10 mile race in Philadelphia-  that was hard!  But this......quiet stuff?  

Of course without trying very hard, I see the silver lining in my choice to be silent for the life of my vocal chords.  Talking has put a strain on my chords.  They are not uncommon to singers and vocal rest is not uncommon either.  

My Uncle Crip, used to call me 'motor mouth'.  I guess I earned that name from.....my ability to have my own thoughts at an early age.  Not that children don't have their own thoughts but I always thought my thoughts needed to be heard.  So I had thoughts and I spoke them.  Now as a child you don't always have the filter that tells you when something is appropriate to say or not.  So that came with a few consequences.  I told a family secret once.  And got in big BIG trouble.  You will have to wait til the book comes out to hear that one.  My mother was so angry with me about telling one cousins business to another cousin.  I thought she would never forgive me.  Another time I witnessed an argument between my parents.  I just did not think my mother was handling it very well.  And when she was alone, I gave her a piece of my mind.  She appreciated it but my father did not.  

 My report cards would often have the S mark which meant SATISFACTORY under "Needs to practice self control".  At parent teacher conferences my teachers would remark on how bright I was, how charismatic and a joy to have in the classroom BUT 'Mattilyn finishes her work early and wants to either talk or teach the other children in the classroom".  

 My mouth has been my gift and curse in this lifetime.  I am blessed with a beautiful voice, I make a living doing voiceovers and singing/acting.  People gather to listen to my insights at my WW meetings where I am a leader, people value what I say.  In the dressing room here in Japan I will often hear, "Matt what do you think"  And usually I have a thought.  Yet, I find it difficult to say certain things that need to be said, and I find it even more difficult to not say things that don't need to be said.  It's like I can't help myself.  Can talking too much be an addiction?

I was in the dressing room with the ladies of the Big Band Beat show and everyone was talking about there childhood.  And I started telling this story about my mother and it was pretty personal.  I remember having the thought that maybe they don't need to know this.  Afterall we will be together for 9 months and go on our merry way.  When I run for office, or hit it big at the box office do I want someone digging up this story?  Without my permission?  I actually had that thought, these are collegues not friends -at least not yet- but did I stop talking?  NO!  And what do you know dear Emma was videotaping me!  That shut me up quick.  I felt a bit violated, felt the need to defend my mother and all I had said.  It's like, I can talk about my momma but no one else can.  Betta not!

After my last visit to the renowned voice box doctor in Tokyo some 500 dollars later he tells me my options, get the polyp removed or just be quiet.  Celine Dion does it.  She just does not speak on days when she is performing.  This was like me being sentenced to hell.  Silence.  Me not talking.  Many singers have miraculously cured vocal injuries by resting their voices.  Could I?  Might I?  How different would my life be if I stopped talking?  I could feel I needed to try it but the resistance was so great I went along with the tide of ease.  That is until we started rehearsals for the Christmas Show.  Which is by the way FABULOUS!!!  If you can make it to Japan during holiday season come!!  Tokyo Disney does the American Christmas better than we do.  I actually got the Christmas spirit and its not even Thanksgiving yet!  

The solo that I sing in the Christmas show is quite high.  I couldn't sing it!  It sounded like I was yelling!  Yikes!  After a meeting with Ison the shows creator and director, she asked me to not speak.  The translator informed me that Ison and the Production Team were very concerned about my voice and until I get a second opinion I needed to be quiet at work.  Then I heard the director look at me with her piercing kind eyes, they reminded me of my mother the way she looked at me directly, peering over her glasses as if to get a better view into me.  And the chunk, chita bakada came tumbling out of her mouth I got something sincere, sweet and very serious.  It took a few moments for her to finish and the translator impartially said, "You talk too much"  I am thinking how do you know?  They are not with me 24-7, I am not talking through rehearsals and unless they have spies in the dressing room how in the hell does she know my speaking habits?  And that was that, talking stopped.  

Now in my defense, I have the right to be me.  If I have something to say, I need to say it without remorse or guilt or regret.  I speak from a place of compassion, truth and love.  But with that said, my life was calling for silence.  And so it was.  For the past week I have successfully not spoken for most every day.  Amazing insights came forward.  And strange things have happened.  I can hear myself!  Ideas that I bury away are waiting for my attention.  When I do speak people are so excited that I have decided to grace them with my words.  But more than that and most importantly, I am able to value my own words.  Today, when talking to the girls about a would be misunderstanding I broke my silence to settle things.  Beck said, "I love it when you talk Matt"  Chirs said to me, "...the energy is different when you don't speak, it was hard for all of us..."  While all of this is so very flattering, I realized that other people's lives, needs, worries or words had taken a front seat to my own.  People would try to engage me even though they knew I was not talking, my need to want to talk to them or explain was stopped short by my decision to support myself.  

The Japanese greet each morning with "Ohio gazimus!!! Genki?" which translates, "good morning, are you good?"  It was so hard for me to just smile and nod.  I wondered if the 1000 stage managers had told them, that I was not speaking but had not all of a sudden turned rude.  The hair and makeup people often chat with me while fixing my hair before going on stage I always leave the hair room with "Arigato gazaimus!"  (thank you) and I say it loud!  But hoping my nod is enough has been hard.  I have noticed such a need to please and be appropriate and right and fair that my thoughts, my ideals, my dreams become marginalized.  

All of that to say, there have been many discoveries in silence.  I welcome them.  Tomorrow I meet with the surgeon for a second opinion and we will see the benefits of my two weeks of silence.