Monday, May 11 2009

New Jersey. 

I have been here a week and two days.  And I must say so far, I do not like it.  With all the sadness I felt in LA because the life I came home (LA) to was nothing that I had planned or imagined while in Japan, still, I felt a connection, a groundedness an unseen and unfelt support system for myself in Los Angeles.  I do not feel that here.  I feel a coldness, a typicalness, and the skelaton of an old paradigm here in Jersey.  I felt a small surge, a spark of something in NY but it was dirty and it made me miss the chaotic order of the buzzing streets of Japan- well minus the spatially challenged Japanese bumping into you and cutting you off and stopping dead in your tracks to look at there cells.  This may be part of the process, but I fear my only connection to the south Jersey area is that my roots are here.  I was born and raised here and I have dear friends that I will never loose a connection with no matter where I am.  I am looking for something, some kind of sign that says yes stay you can build from this place.  My mother needs me but that is not my life.  I have had a few hints of something here and there but no joy.  Still underneath it all I do have a sense that no matter where I am, since I am success and joy and light I will attract it, if I but trust.  And still what makes my heart sing is sun, progressive thinking, open minds of LA.  

There is something to be said about roots.  I have to think of what I missed most in LA.  Roots.  Something to think about.