I was sitting in my mess of an apartment, crying and blowing my nose-yeah the cherry blossoms bring hay fever. I thought of 9 months ago when i packed my apartment of 3 years away, I didn't feel sad, didn't shed any tears, yet I didn't know what Japan would bring, I knew I wanted Japan to bring it. Jason, my then boyfriend (he has since ripped my heart out and discarded it so carelessly) Leslie, my then and still friend (he is in Prague shooting a film) and I (I am the one in Japan singing remember?) stood in a circle-yeah where 2 or 3 are gathered...- and prayed for my journey, all of our journey's for the next 9 months.
9 months is the time it takes a baby to gestate. I wanted to know many things in these 9 months ....Does Jason love me, what will I do for the rest of my life, will he buy me a ring, will he do this will he do that will I spend the rest of my life with him, will I have a baby, will I live out my hearts desires? Some questions are answered, some are not. I am trying to stay in the womb of Tokyo just a while longer because I don't feel ready to face the world, to face my life, but like my cesarean section just a few short years ago (smile), where it was decided when I was ready to leave the womb, labour was induced and I was removed, ready or not. Ready or not I will walk towards what makes my heart sing, I will walk towards love, I will reluctantly walk towards the light. Who knows, I sure don't.
In a few hours I will perform the last three shows of my 9 month contract here at Big Band Beat. Tears will be shed backstage and in the audience. I will miss those eager, grateful and beaming Japanese faces. Last show...for now.
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