The Renegotiation (7 of 365)

Wow a week.  I have to say that when I write I feel better, I don't know what it is about writing, it is like throw up for the mind.  And when you sift through there is some good stuff in there.  This has been a good week, starting out not so good and ending in a boring but good way.  Holding for the highest good is what I want to talk about ever so briefly.  I have learned some hard lessons about people pleasing.  I may not seem it because ultimately I end up going my own way and being my true self but the agony that I go through many will never know. Well except that I said it.  Sometimes I think maybe I should keep it a big secret.  Making life look easy makes you seem larger than life but alas I have spilt the beans!  I am a recovering people pleaser.  And being back in my hometown I am reminded of all the reasons I left and never looked back.  Being in a stationary place does that to you.  But there is so much good in coming home, being home and being my true self.  In LA or in Japan it is so easy to be yourself because no one knows you.  No one calls you "Baby Sister" and treats you like Baby Sister or the shadow you as an insecure growing adolescent.  I was good and grown and I was able to navigate myself and my relationships rather well. Being home is like an extended Thanksgiving or holiday weekend with family an friends.  But when just visiting, you keep it all in and wait until on the plane or train or bus to say, "Thank God I am outta there"  Well I am not outta there and the beauty of the challenge of being here is to be my full self, speak truth to power and to live in my light no matter how much even your closest of close, friends, relatives and love ones disapprove, disagree or plain don't understand.  I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul right?  At the end of the day no one cares as much as they seem to, its just something to say or do or chime in on or about.  I'm being vague right?  But I am sure you get my gist.

I was reading and doing some of the exercises in CALLING IN THE ONE. And it talked about Renegotiating Old Agreements.  We do things as children that make total sense to us as a child but as an adult it doesn't even fit.  The mind then was like our clothes, we have all outgrown them.  We make little promises about things that we often don't remember but somehow, those prayers, promises have been answered and solidified and seem to be invisible barriers in the way of our hopes and dreams.  My mother lost her mom before I or my brother were born.  Growing up this didn't mean much to me except I didn't have a grandma on my moms side.  I know understand the devastation of being pregnant with your first child and losing your mother.  I have dresses that my grandmother made for me.  I am sure of her hopes and anticipation in meeting me.  Never happened.  My mother was always a bit afraid that she would die early.  Now she fears she will pass before I get married or bring a child into the world.  Her almost daily chant is, "I hope you get married and have a baby before I die!"  She means this more than she means anything.  What I hear is, 'when you get married and have a baby, I will die'.  I am wondering if somewhere in my child heart which is the one that connects and relates to and loves my mother if I have made some irrational agreement with God that if I never grow up, marry and have children that my mother will always be with me.  I know, in my rational mind, that either way we will part ways.  And the ripping apart that either one of us will surely experience will be great.  But since I ain't plannin on leavin no time soon and I intend to marry and bare at least one healthy child I have some renegotiating to do.  This is what.....hmmmm forgot his name but some psychologist calls an "irrational fear".  Today I renegotiated that.  I must live my full life.  Love fully and completely no matter what.  I will lose some and I will win some but I must live and be true to my heart.  I can not STOP loving or living to spare my mothers life.  The truth is I don't have that power.  No one does.  But how many invisible agreements or contracts have we created with emotional partners in the world putting ourselves on the alter as a living sacrifice for no good reason??? I wonder.  I talked with my mother today about this and she just beamed.  More than anything she wants me to be happy and to life my full life.  That is her joy that is her prayer and that is my promise.