Mattilyn Rochester to star in Black Nativity

More info to come but I am really excited about performing again.  Fun things on the forefront and I am happy.  The performance will be in Philly and I will post all about it.  Yippie.

I will also be performing I think at Stockton State College doing a piece about Fannie Lou Hamer.

I have a couple of interviews coming up and my OJ Simpson video is going to be really viral soon.  Funny that is something I was just doing to be silly and it has sooooooooooooooo many hits.  Hilar.

Grateful

18 0f 365

Clariton D.  While it removes many of the issues related to the allergy season it makes you hell of tired.  I have been feeling like  am in a cloud all day, the past several days and that seems to be the culprit.

Kichi-Bao (still not sold on her name but will go with it, esp. since she is now responding to it) seems to be coming out of her shock and is all over the house.  She has quite a personality and my mom is growing to love her which does my heart extremely proud.  My mother used to say that she and my father spend loads of money getting my brother and I the best educational toys, toys meant to stimulate child development of the Einstein line, and we always ended up going in the cupboards playing with pots and pans; anything but.  I am noticing the same with lil Kichi-Bao.  She love my undergarments.  I am in the living room with my mother watching television and my mother says, "What is that?"
"Why its my thong mother, my thong"  way to go Kichi.
She loves my clothes, newspaper, toilet tissue and is a very slow convert to the toys I have purchased that the apt head trainer at PetSmart assured me were the "best".

Career is about to shift because I am shifting.  I have decided to be a series regular in some television show by this time next year.  Plausible and quite doable.  Not sure what specifically I need to do to ensure this but I am certain of its outcome.  It's just time.  I have decided that I need to network a bit more and put myself out there more.  Many people don't know this because I am a bit outgoing but at the same time very shy and a bit self conscious.  Especially when it comes to selling myself.  So I am willing be be vulnerable and see what happens.

I'm Buggin (17 of 135)

Okay I somehow was a....I'm to embarrassed to tell......

16 of 365

Yawn.....a dog is a lot of work.  Cant hear myself think.  Yawn.

15 of 365

I really enjoy celebrating with other people and for other people.  It moves my energy higher.  I love love, people in love and the idea of love. I am finding it difficult however tokeep my eyes open

two weeks!!! (14 of 365)

So 52 weeks in a year 2 down 50 to go.  I was reading the other day on the train and something very interesting came into my brain.  Most times when I read it is regurgitated information said in a new or interesting way, the same story told better or worse.  This information was like of the AH HA kind.  I forgot the authors name but it was my girl from CALLING IN THE ONE, I've mentioned her before.  And she talked about how we always think we have to DO something in order to get results in life.  She talked about drawing things in, allowing and attracting.  Not as an alternative to doing but a partner to doing.  Doing is a male thing and allowing or drawing in is a female thing.  One no better than the other, each important.  Sometimes we need to do and sometimes we need to joyfully wait.  The brilliance I think is in knowing when to do which.  The balance of male and female, ying and yang.  What a lovely bit of information.

RAT'S Restaurant Review (13 OF 365)

I actually wrote about actual rats in the NY subway stations when I first got back from Japan, the stark difference between the two.  One a musical chaos filled with many characters and the other a homogenous orderly chaos of quiet compliance.  But the Rats of which I am speaking of today is one that touched my pallet in a delectable way.

I have always loved the FOOD NETWORK or is it LIFETIME, well which ever one shows TOP CHEF, oh I thinks it BRAVO. I love TOP CHEF and the three aforementioned networks and I was also very proud that one of Willingboro's own won.  It meant something special to me.  I have traveled the world and come back home to speak and am still holding against the odds dreams of one day winning an Oscar and seeing him win such an honor gave me hope and inspired me.  And since Sunday is Kevin Sbraga's last day at Rats, my fellow foodie friend and I decided to pay the type of homage that gives you an immediate pay off.  Nestled in the throws of NJ's capitol is this eclectic mosh posh of a delightful other continental odd place that somehow feels like home.

I never can say I have been into French food but if this is how the French throw down then I am a fan.  Everything made me feel like I was Padma and I was getting a birds eye view of just what she experiences many days in a year.  She makes food sound sexy and titillating and beautiful.  The show gives me such a respect for the environment food and the sacrifice that goes into good eating.  An art form for sure.  From the blueberry lemonade, escargot in a broth that would make you slap yo mamma, to foie gras which I now have a taste for.  I kept hearing about this damn foie gras I wanted to taste it.  Now the last time I had pate was a taste of my mothers at Charlie Brown's.  I remembered as a child hating anything that had anything to do with anybodies liver, but baby my pallet has changed.  Then a simple lamb.  I understood the reason we say prayers before a meal.  Thanking this precious animal for sacrificing his precious life for my sustenance and thanking whoever prepared it for doing so with such reverence and care, it was almost a religious experience.  You could taste the love in even the bread and butter just special.  Dessert was good, I am not a big dessert person and it was a bit sweet for me but the care and artistry was just divine.



Kevin you let me know when you open your restaurant and I will be there!  I was so busy eating I forgot to take more pictures.

What's In A Name? (11 of 365)

So my lil bundle of black joy arrived today.  Precious she is but I am not sure what to name her.  Everyone has said that I am far to busy for a dog and they are right.  I have been told that have been to busy for love, for a baby for this and for that.  I do know you make time for the things that have heart and meaning to you unless you are an avoidance addict. So against all odds I went with my heart.   I have wanted a dog for over 7 years and so....  I GOT A DOG!!  I don't know what will become of us but I know she is precious precious precious and my mom is growing to love her.  The only reason I don't want to name her precious is well for obvious reasons; the movie.  Although I loved it, the dog does not make me feel reminiscent of the movie and when I call her precious I think of the movie so it is a bit of a conflict.  I am thinking of names and open to suggestions.  In the meantime I am exhausted and just am gonna stay up a bit longer so that I can walk her one last time and pray for no accidents through the night.  She fills my heart with joy!

PATIENCE (10 OF 365)

Wake up, run around, get to train station, pay parking lot attendant.  Buy ticket. Get on train.  Get on subway.  Wore wrong shoes.  Feet are hurting.  Get to audition location on time. Walk around.  Knock on door.
"AVON is tomorrow dear, not today"
Great!

AVON 9 of 365

Bachata last night, African tonight, I love dance.  I am falling in love with my body, (its about time) and the uniqueness I bring, without even trying to everything I do.  I am beginning to trust myself again and am taking it as it comes and that, I think, is a good thing.

It is time to book another job.  I haven't seen my commercial in quite sometime so I think tomorrow I need to book AVON.  Love and light to me on that one.  That should be FABULOUS.  I am gonna watch some Avon commercials before going to bed and set the intention and declare to everyone who reads this to hold light for me tomorrow at 1130 and that everything lines up for me to be EXACTLY what those casting, ad agency and the client are looking for.  I AM the new voice of AVON.

9 of 365

Okay so I am writing while watching Project Runway.  In the past 24 hours I have watched two movies
"Turtles Can Fly" a heart wrenching movie about Iraq
"Food Inc" A revolutionary film about the mass production of food and how un wholistic the food we consume is becoming.
I watched the premiere of Boardwalk Empire.  Excited because I am co-starring in the 6th episode.
I danced Bachata for 3 hours.
Went to a heart warming baby shower
Took my mom to church
and met friends for brunch.  What a day.  Just how I love em!  This is a great pace of life for me.  I loved it.   I have much to say about it all but my brain is in a bit of Idiot mode and I think it best I not attempt to be too deep.  I aint dere!  I am happy tho.  In this moment to.....I AM

8 of 365

I am doing just a quick note today while I wait for my movie, "Happy Accidents" to load on Netflix.  I'll let you know if it is any good.

A few people disappointed me today.  Which gives me a bit of information about myself.  I am still attached to the outcome of things.  It must take a really evolved person to literally take no emotional downward care if people do or don't do certain things.  I expected my phone ring and it has not.  There is information in this I can see, there is a bit of upset and that I can also see.  I really look forward to the day when I can take in the information that people's action bring with little to no emotional collateral damage.  For some things it seems easy and highly plausible but for others it seems close to impossible.  I won't make any promises as to what I will do when this day comes because it could come sooner than I expect.  Like when I was in junior high, I took it upon myself to read the bible from beginning to end.  I thought this would take a lifetime.  So I made a great and grave pledge to God that once I read the entire bible from beginning to end that I would be ready to meet my Savior face to face and leave this earthly plane.  Okay so when I rounded the corner to Revelations some 7 months later I started only ready a page a day.  And then I was terrified that I would be struck by some random lightening bolt sent from the heavens just for me.  I think I never read the last page.  That was a part of my renegotiating that I blogged about yesterday.  Had to rethink and re speak that one.  I WANT TO LIVE!!!  I WANT TO LEARN GOD, AND BY GOLLY I WANT TO BE HERE!!!!  DO OVER!!  I TAKE THAT ONE BACK!!!  I AM HERE AND I WANT TO BE HERE!!!  Honestly I really thought it would take an entire lifetime to read that book!  It was so interesting and confusing at the same time but I moved right on through.  So as I look to the amazing and seemingly impossible day of having no emotional attachment to other people's behavior I know that I wont make any grand gestures or promises to God about how and when this will occur.  I just know it will.  And not in a resigned or 'whateva' way, in a loving and empowered way and when that way becomes my way, I will simply be grateful and rejoice and maybe blog about it.

The Renegotiation (7 of 365)

Wow a week.  I have to say that when I write I feel better, I don't know what it is about writing, it is like throw up for the mind.  And when you sift through there is some good stuff in there.  This has been a good week, starting out not so good and ending in a boring but good way.  Holding for the highest good is what I want to talk about ever so briefly.  I have learned some hard lessons about people pleasing.  I may not seem it because ultimately I end up going my own way and being my true self but the agony that I go through many will never know. Well except that I said it.  Sometimes I think maybe I should keep it a big secret.  Making life look easy makes you seem larger than life but alas I have spilt the beans!  I am a recovering people pleaser.  And being back in my hometown I am reminded of all the reasons I left and never looked back.  Being in a stationary place does that to you.  But there is so much good in coming home, being home and being my true self.  In LA or in Japan it is so easy to be yourself because no one knows you.  No one calls you "Baby Sister" and treats you like Baby Sister or the shadow you as an insecure growing adolescent.  I was good and grown and I was able to navigate myself and my relationships rather well. Being home is like an extended Thanksgiving or holiday weekend with family an friends.  But when just visiting, you keep it all in and wait until on the plane or train or bus to say, "Thank God I am outta there"  Well I am not outta there and the beauty of the challenge of being here is to be my full self, speak truth to power and to live in my light no matter how much even your closest of close, friends, relatives and love ones disapprove, disagree or plain don't understand.  I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul right?  At the end of the day no one cares as much as they seem to, its just something to say or do or chime in on or about.  I'm being vague right?  But I am sure you get my gist.

I was reading and doing some of the exercises in CALLING IN THE ONE. And it talked about Renegotiating Old Agreements.  We do things as children that make total sense to us as a child but as an adult it doesn't even fit.  The mind then was like our clothes, we have all outgrown them.  We make little promises about things that we often don't remember but somehow, those prayers, promises have been answered and solidified and seem to be invisible barriers in the way of our hopes and dreams.  My mother lost her mom before I or my brother were born.  Growing up this didn't mean much to me except I didn't have a grandma on my moms side.  I know understand the devastation of being pregnant with your first child and losing your mother.  I have dresses that my grandmother made for me.  I am sure of her hopes and anticipation in meeting me.  Never happened.  My mother was always a bit afraid that she would die early.  Now she fears she will pass before I get married or bring a child into the world.  Her almost daily chant is, "I hope you get married and have a baby before I die!"  She means this more than she means anything.  What I hear is, 'when you get married and have a baby, I will die'.  I am wondering if somewhere in my child heart which is the one that connects and relates to and loves my mother if I have made some irrational agreement with God that if I never grow up, marry and have children that my mother will always be with me.  I know, in my rational mind, that either way we will part ways.  And the ripping apart that either one of us will surely experience will be great.  But since I ain't plannin on leavin no time soon and I intend to marry and bare at least one healthy child I have some renegotiating to do.  This is what.....hmmmm forgot his name but some psychologist calls an "irrational fear".  Today I renegotiated that.  I must live my full life.  Love fully and completely no matter what.  I will lose some and I will win some but I must live and be true to my heart.  I can not STOP loving or living to spare my mothers life.  The truth is I don't have that power.  No one does.  But how many invisible agreements or contracts have we created with emotional partners in the world putting ourselves on the alter as a living sacrifice for no good reason??? I wonder.  I talked with my mother today about this and she just beamed.  More than anything she wants me to be happy and to life my full life.  That is her joy that is her prayer and that is my promise.

6 of 365

wow its almost been a week.  Interesting.  I am very tired, not much to say except get the book, CALLING IN THE ONE.  I think this book is amazing and the exercises in it are equisitely designed to facilitate a shift.  Even if you are in a partnership this book I think will enable you to really move into a place of ownership and healing in your relationship with yourself.  I'm just sayin....check it out.

I am on hold for a VO (voice over) job.  I hope it pans out.  In the performance industry no news is not necessarily good news.  I tell ya.....

?? (5 of 365)

Today was a mosh posh had to go to NY for a quick audition.  Saw COMMON in the elevator and really felt like a groupie, it lasted about an hour and then I got over it.  I really wanted to chat him up a bit but like the real me ran down the street somewhere and waited for me at the train station while the younger groupie me just acted a dagon fool.  I am not sure what came over me.  I have been in the company of celebrities my entire life and just lost a few cool points today, but I am able to laugh with and at myself so its cool.

Then went SALSA dancing.  I will have to post pictures.  But Sonja is AMAZING.

I woke up dis monin wit my mind......(4 of 365)

Dag!  A year goes fast!  Okay so I haven't quite figured out how to disable this from facebook but soon and very soon.  There used to be this old negro spiritual that I sang in some choir some time ago that went

I WOKE UP DIS MORNIN WITH MY MIND

STAYED ON JESUS

I WOKE UP DIS MORNIN WID MA MIND

STAYED ON JESUS

I WOKE UP....

you get the picture right.  Then there was something I recall my dad saying filling himself up with energy as he bellowed

I LOOK TOWARDS THE HILLS WHICH COMETH MY HELP!?

MY HELP COMETH FROM THE LORD...

Honey chile let me tell you.  I woke up this morning determined to get back into my spiritual practice.  Which right now includes short meditation, oh wait....wrong order......I do my morning pages (3 long hand pages of free form writing) THEN a short meditation, and a song of some sort.  After talking to one of my besties about the importance of a spiritual practice she mentioned something about facing the rising sun ("with my face to the rising sun") the east in the morning and west if praying or meditating at night.  So I didn't exactly know where that was but I just put my meditation chair towards the sun.  It was a lot of trees so I couldn't exactly see the sun but before I looked up to the sky I took a deep breath and I said that this meditation was about me releasing all of my attachments to the outcome of events (not my will but thy will.....a hard one for me) whilst still maintaining hope and faith that my prayers will be answered.  Prayer is more about asking and meditation about clearing or receiving or something like that. ANYWAY....I set a clear intention to release..looked up to the hills and HONEY when I tell you it was as if the SPIRIT of everything that is good and kind and perfect and whole was just waiting for me.  I was OVERWHELMED with a vision full of joy, hope, promise, love and fulfillment.  I had a very simple AMAZING day.  And I am so very very grateful to be getting back to me.  Amen? AMEN!!!

ENCOURAGEMENT: Find a way to connect, if you don't have a spiritual practice, start one....3 foot tosses, nothing big but something you CAN and WILL commit to.  

COMMITMENT: I will continue to develop and expand my spiritual connection and conversation with God....my Freind!

A dream deferred (3 of 365)

What happens to a dream deferred?Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes

Before I start this blog to all my Facebook friends, this will be the last blog showing up on my page.  If you like my blog and would like to follow my journey please click A CHAT WITH MATT or go to www.achatwithmatt.blogspot.com and click FOLLOW this blog.  I am going to have 100 readers by the end of the month.  Please be one of them.  I will be writing some naughty and some nice but all authentically me so if you wanna ride....COME ON!!!!  

I remember memorizing and reciting that poem over 20 years ago when I was just starting my journey of discovery.  And sitting in the doctors office today hearing some things I did NOT want to hear I wonder.  I know, I know, 'ya gotta believe, ya gotta hold on, keep on keepin on, keep hope alive, stay positive, stay in the NOW, pray, go to church, meditate' but dayum!  Can a sistah get a break.  What was Langston really saying?  Does everyone's dreams come true?  Or do some just explode in their face?  Is it their fault, did they give up to soon?  Were they dissallusioned in the first place?  

I told an old friend today the story that I used to tell my Weight Watcher members when they got tired of gaining and losing the same 10 pounds over and over again.  

Howard Carter one of the greatest figures in the history of archaeology known best for discovering King Tutankhamun's tomb.  Little is known of him other than this.  He had this dream since he was like 17 years old and had all sorts of odd jobs and wasn't taken very seriously from time to time in his life.  He was a tour guide, a water colorist but his dream was alive.  He knew that King Tut's tomb existed and he fought for over 25 years sometimes with no support until finally someone fueled his dream.  He discoved the tomb only days before the digs end.  This story really resonates with me.  It's like when you have a dream or are working on creating something from nothing.  People have all sorts of advice.  All are not haters I must confess.  Some are people that love us dearly and don't want to see us hurt they don't want to see us hurt again and again or they just honestly don't have the vantage point that we do.  Like Moses and the promised land.  He led his people but was not permitted to go.  So it is for many of our parents and loved ones.  They nurture us as much and as far as they can and then it is up to us to make that final climb.  I have read that many thought Howard Carter to be a bit of a quack or a looser and he is known for having made one the major discoveries of our time.  So who am I not to believe in my lil old dream that I actually have something unique, worth sharing with the world.  It has been a dream of mine since I was a lad.  Lad sounds so corny but that's how it came out. lol!  I used to dream of performing in front of hundreds of thousands of people and I saw myself on talk shows sharing my joy, my light, insights from my journey.  And tho I do not know what tomorrow brings, I take heart from Howard Carter, his journey and I continue on.  Maybe my dream is just on a detour...

Rest (2 of 365)

And on the 7th day.....sometimes it is hard to just do nothing but I felt it important to be still and know...I felt my energy return and feel prepared to access some of the insights that have come my way.  There is an important link between rest and success.  Recent studies have shown a great advantage to students who study and then sleep.  The brain problem solves and assimilates information while sleeping.  Yet sometimes when I am resting I feel a restlessness like I should be doing something else.  I remember hearing Puffy say that he rarely sleeps and the sleeping don't succeed.  He is successful and he doesn't sleep...sooooo....okay I am sleepy as hell my brain ain't working so I am gonna copy Puffy right?  How many of us hear things like that and then hold ourselves to someone else's standards no matter how futile?  Today, I just sat with myself, hung out with mom, caught up with a few friends, cleaned my cars out, watched a bit of TV and somehow my joy just snuck back on in.  I released my attachment to the outcome of events and am ready to put some time in and take some risks.  Yeah.....rest is important.

ENCOURAGEMENT:  The body is an amazing machine, take the time to allow it to do its job.

COMMITMENT: I will be still more...

REMEMBER (1 of 365)

After a long hiatus, I am back.  Writing, sharing, doing.  My motivation?  JEALOUSLY.
I really do believe that behind every destructive thought or action is a positive intention.  Even the most hideous.  I watched a few of my friends on FACEBOOK, do their thing.  I had been laying in bed after a day of eating way too much, smoking way too many cigarettes (I know surprise right) and after my 5th pity party of the week I felt a bit like I did at my father's funeral (my current job at the time was driving the mail truck electric cart at UCLA while waiting for acting gigs).  I felt like my father himself was grateful to have passed on because he now had a clear channel.  Through my tears and sadness I heard him say, "What the hell (not sure if he actually used that word) are you doing?  Do you know who you are?"  I felt greatness and destiny passed through me at such a low point in my life.  It is difficult to explain but I felt it.  I felt and feel I have a potential that I have still not lived up to.  And today when that feeling of jealously swarmed through my veins like a fever as I watched my peers sing, perform, write, LIVE out loud I remembered.  I remembered that I must keep believing in myself and my dreams.  That no matter the present challenges that are sitting on my front door I AM and always have been DIVINE.  I remembered that I have a gift that the world needs.  I remembered that I deserve all that I desire.  I remembered that I AM LOVE.  I remembered that I am so blessed and that the great spirit that protects and guides me is really routing for ME.  I was reminded in so many tender and kind and precious ways.  This has been an extremely tough week for a diva.  I am here, re-commiting myself to mySELF and my journey.  Thank you to all who are routing and praying for me.  The blessings fall down on me like manna from above.  I actually receive and feel them.  thank you.


ENCOURAGEMENT: When you have a negative feeling instead of judging or beating yourself up, take a peek underneath their is a lil prize in there for ya.  An insight that is the bright side of your dark cloud.

commitment:  I will write everyday for a year (I didn't say how much!!)