Who you callin a BITCH? 40 OF 365

Inspiration comes in many different forms.  Mine today came from Project Runway.  Gretchen the winner was never my favorite.  I have to say I did enjoy her collection the best which came as a surprise. And during the cast reunion I found respect for her, surprisingly so.  Cast mates called her a bitch. Said she was mean.  She tearfully said that because she is a woman, has an opinion and states it she is harshly judged.  This really stopped me in my footsteps.  I watched the entire season and agreed with many that she was a bit bitchy.  But bitchy in the way that I secretly think I am.  I am outwardly much nicer than she but inwardly have very strong opinions that I have learned to keep inside or only share with certain people.  The old adage about when you dislike something or someone usually it is really some aspect of yourself that you dislike or refuse to take responsibility for holds true for me in my reflection of Gretchen.  I think I was holding this idea, from society and the way I was raised, that to be open about your opinions = meanness especially when your opinion is not a popular or "likable" one.  People said she was mean to other designers and as she defended herself she clarified that she simply had an opinion about them as designers which was different than her feeling of them as a person.  I immediately connected with her and also connected with the idea that me being "nice" might get me just that....the title of "nice".  I am not interested in being mean and don't have mean feelings towards others but think it is high time I stop worrying about such things, whose feelings I hurt, who I alienate and trust that I am a good person and go on with the business of living my life from a place of personal integrity.  I spend way too much time trying not to alienate and making sure everyone feels good, has a good time and is happy.  DONE WITH THAT.

REST 39

I THINK in the book power of full engagement the author talks about the importance of rest.  I am hanging in there but I can feel myself unraveling.  I am in desperate need of a massage, and I just need peaceful sounds, things and people around me.  Laughter, a good story, nothin to deep because I am starting the engine and about to make some big moves in my life.   My center will come together and that which doesnt will fall by the wayside.  But first...........REST

38

What I did today....
workshop that changed my life....FOREVER
vocal improv workshop with a friend that is a genius
then a dance class @ Alvin Ailey that has me taking Tylenol
and good conversation....

PRICELESS

FELA! 37 of 365

I got one word and one word only.

FELA!









Get into it.  See it.  It closes in January.  See that amazing tribute to a life that I only hope and dream to come close to.  Nahhhh I don't only hope or dream to, I aim to.  I aim to live in integrity to my spirit.  That is my intention, that is my prayer that is my hope.  A fulfilled life in love, in career, in spirit and in truth.

SEE FELA

....but....... don't even get me started on Patty.  Broadway stop it please.  Now I love me some Patty and I mean no disrespect, she is an icon, she is an idol she is an artist and has paved the way for many artists I respect her and her amazing chords.  I could only hope to accomplish all that she has....BUT......I was taken out of the amazing land of Fela by Broadway's ploy to sell tickets by exploiting stars and showing them in an odd, ill fitting light.  It just doesn't make sense to me.

October comes to an end 36 of 365

This was an incredibly busy month for me.  Starting from day one to LA for a week to participate in the USM graduate weekend deepening levels of the study and practice of human evolution and consciousness. And good times with friends that I miss and love in LA.  I didn't even touch the surface but a good and wonderful and loving time was had.  Soon as I got back I had auditions in NY my mothers high school reunion in Silver Spring, MD and then two weddings in the same week.  Right after that I performed at Stockton State College and then went to Atlanta to take care of business and celebrate one of my BFF's birth day.  And a few more things to do before the month comes to a complete and full end.  And November doesn't slow down a bit.  I love it and I am trusting it more and more.  Life.  My dog is obsessed with.....I wont say.

35

oops I think I missed a day.  I didn't even mean to.  It is a challenge writing something everything.  I feel compelled to say something profound.  I have profound thoughts but some are a bit to personal to share.  Maybe in my book I will reveal.  But I have been thinking about forgiveness again.  It is really easier said than done.  There is really a profound deep shift when you truly release someone from blame in your life. There is a challenge to be.  Maybe its redundant and non-direct but it encompasses what I have seen and experienced today.

Tyler Perry INTERVIEW - Oprah Winfrey Show - October 20 2010 34 of 365

So very powerful, so inspiring and this has helped me to respect all art and all artists.  Whatever we do, and whoever likes or doesn't like what we do or how we do it....IT DOES NOT MATTER.  IT IS OUR DUTY TO SHARE OUR GIFTS.  If one life is changed, touched or inspired we have done our job, our service our work here.  And so often more times than not, more than one will love admire and be changed by our shining our light.  If you can catch the whole interview, do so.  The woman at the end and Tyler's "Thank You" for Oprah were all I needed.  They was IN IT today chile.  Amen

33

So I had an audition in NY today and my dear friend took me to dinner at what used to be Houston's.  Yummdiffer!  I can tell I am changing because how the world interacts with me is changing.  Life is fun, people are beautiful and interesting to me and I love sitting on the subway just taking people in.  Today a woman went off on this man because his elbow was touching her.  I sent them both love and light because she was straight trippin.  He was a gentleman, shook his head got up stood and continued to read his book. He didn't take on her "upset"  he did mumble that she was crazy.  She was "upset" about something and this man just tapped into a wound.  She was agitated and angry and he was engrossed in his book.  Lovely for me to observe.  He taught me something.  He did not take her madness personally.  It was hers to own and he let her have it.

Compassionate Self Forgiveness 32

Self Forgiveness, compassionate self forgiveness is the key to salvation.  We have already been forgiven we must now forgive ourselves not only for things we have done but for the beliefs and mis-interpretation of reality that we so often buy into.  Do you really think you deserve your heart's desires?  Deep down in the quiet of your night do you believe?  If not, its okay but there is an opportunity for deeper love and for forgiveness.  Judging hurts the judge more than the judged.  It chains the judge and judgment has nothing to do with love, judgement has nothing to do with God.  And I aint talkin bout the courthouse.  Cuz believe if you rob me, hurt me or others I will stand up, I will speak out and I will protect and allow the laws and powers that be to do there job.  But I can do all of this and still love and not judge.  That lil detail gets confused sometimes.  Forgiveness does not mean be a pushover.  A tall order, a very tall order.

31

Supposed to be 32 but I missed a day because I was in DC at a friends Be-lated Birthday Bash.  I feel like I should say something meaningful but I don't have anything particularly meaningful to say tonight.  I had a great time talking about Japan with a comrade that lived there 4 years.  I had a great time talking about life, relationships and the like with my carpool buddie on the ride down.  Good conversations, good laughter, good friends, new friends, possibility, a conversation with a publicist and new inspiration for business opportunities.  I guess I can say it was a good weekend and I am grateful for that.  With my eyes on the prize for more more more.

30

When I am running around with everything to do, I await a day of rest, on my day(s) of rest I feel guilty.  Oh well.

I rarely watch the Monique show but I watched it tonight and have to say it was inspiring from start to finish.  Rutina Wesley from True Blood was one of her guests and her gratitude and honesty about how freakin thrilled she was when she booked True Blood touched me to the core.  It gave me hope and it made me believe.

29

I just attended another beautiful wedding.  If one more person says to me "You are so beautiful and so amazing, why aren't you married?" I am gonna scream.  That statement said in the most innocent and sincerest of ways makes me feel like they are really saying 'is there something that we don't see?  Are you really a nut and we just don't see it?' Truth is, what you see is what you get.  I am what I seem.  I do not know why I am not married but there is no one that I have walked away from ever in my life that I look back and think, "maybe he was the one"  Truth is I haven't met him yet.  That is the God's honest truth.  Well maybe I have met him but a bolt of lightening hasn't hit me.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with me or many of the millions of other women that are single and over 30.

Random sentences 28 of 365

I am cold.  I miss LA.  I am grateful.  I love myself more and more each day.  I am hard on myself.  Sometimes I am scared.  Fear = The Devil.  I want people to like me.  I am a good person.  I cant make everybody happy.  Life is interesting.  What really happens when you die.  I love my mother.  I miss my father.  Betrayal hurts.  My stomach is full.  I ate too much today.  I will laugh more tomorrow.  I like make up.  I like dresses.  I rarely say what I really think without making a few adjustments.  I hope I sleep well tonight.  I am ready to get married.  I am afraid of commitment.  I think too much.  I analyze everything.  I like laughing.  My lower back hurts.  I miss salsa.  I am going to a wedding.  My dog was making too much noise tonight.

Fannie Lou Hamer Performance 27 of 365

I am tired of writing...."of 365"

I am soooooooooo tired but wanted to say a short bitty about my performance at Stockton State College today.  Well I was great of course but really I learned a lot about myself. Something that I intend to release and move past.  I am always surprised at people's response to my presence on stage.  I am sure there are those that aren't in love with me but the sad thing is I expect that  the other sad thing is that when people are moved to tears or when they go on the journey I take them; I am genuinely surprised; EVERYTIME.  Someone said, that is good, keeps me grounded and in the realm of greatness but I really intend to stay great and just appreciate myself and the journey along the way.  To expect love over disappointment.  I acknowledge myself for noticing......but that needs to change.  Then what needs to change after that is my interest in good or bad, just honoring me and my gifts and appreciating whatever it is that people have to share with no attachment to outside opinions or comments.  But first things first.  I intend to expect miracles, expect joy, expect admiration and appreciation, to trust and respect my creative process....yeah that is my thought for the day.

IS THIS AMERICA? 26 of 365

CLICK HERE TO HEAR FANNI LOU HAMMER TESTIMONY

 Stockton to Present Seventh Annual Fannie Lou Hamer Human and Civil Rights Symposium  

I have heard of Fannie Lou Hamer but until I was commissioned to embody her story in a performance I really didn't know her journey and I didn't know that the atrocities she and so many nameless other African-Americans endured in the 60's! I mean I knew but I really hadn't heard about Fannie Lou in the same way that I had heard about Rosa Parks and Emmet Till But what I do know is that civil rights atrocities are still taking place in the world and yes even in America.  The human journey is an important one and the challenge of hate is a primitive one.  Hate has a low vibrational energy like cancer and feeds, festers and multiplies.  

I pray that I do Fannie Lou Hamer justice tomorrow and shed some light and insight on her journey while she was here.  She was beat so people could vote.  

Love and Happiness (25 of 365)

To see a man profess his love for a woman warms my heart so.  Being blessed to witness nuptials of a friend is a blessing and to hold in love for another is God.

Finley High (24 of 365)

Magna and Suma Cum Laude of Finley High Class of '58

Today I took my mother to her high school reunion from SC that was in Silver Spring, MD.  It was nice to see that my mother cultivates love.  She was Miss Finley High and is still celebrated and cared for.  I have lived with and known my mother most and all, respectively, my life.  I am just noticing that she, in her quiet way is a diva.  She cultivates people wanting to care for and serve her.  And their doing so doesn't diminish anyone it is quite interesting to see.  I notice that for some reason I tend to back away from praise, recognition and adoration.  It is not because I am humble but because I am afraid.  Afraid of so many irrational silly things that have actually caused me to, in the past, shy away from my own brilliance.  I have been afraid, that the jealous ones will overpower me somehow and win, fear that somehow smallness and mean-ness is stronger than love.  I felt uncomfortable when my mother and I came in 2 hours late and people stopped to say how especially happy they were to see my mother.  How her high school sweetheart looked at her with such kindness in his eyes.  Why would I not thrive and sprout around such love.  Like a plant that seems to lean and stretch to wherever light is.  I must dismiss and depart from fear.  I acknowledge it, forgive myself for buying into it and send it on its merry way in love and light.

USM 23 of 365

Words can not describe the depth and level of love and understanding I am cultivating for myself through this program.  I never imagined that this program would renew my faith in God and the movement of God in and through my life daily.  I wish I could put it into words because if I could everyone would sign up and go to USM tomorrow!!More to come but I just had to say that.  I am so beat.  California was so great, I miss it and my friends so much and life will reveal my next steps.  For now, I am grateful for who I am, where I am, what I got and DAS ALL FOLKS!

21 of 365

Sometimes when you see Hollywood, the creme de la creme performers crash and burn in their performance you realize that there is hope.  Why do I feel so insecure or sad about my talents or abilities???  It is all an illusion.

20 of 365

ooooooooops!!!  I actually forgot to write for the weekend!!!  So very much going on.  I have written these days just not in my blog.  But part of my commitment was to blog here a bit everyday.  Sooo much going on.  LA....well when I landed I sighed, "I'm home" I didn't even know I felt this way.  Driving South on the 405 from Van Nuys headed to the 10 freeway I started weeping.  What am I going to do?  I love this place.   I am not sure why I miss it so much but I must say, I feel seen, heard acknowledged for who I really am.  This place somehow, the people that I come in contact see me, get me and honor me.  Love flourishes love, love grows love and I feel loved with the people I have elected to be my community in California and I love and honor them and the mirror reflects a magnificent image.

ARE WE THERE YET 22 0f 365

I got back from LA at midnight and have to be in NYC by 10 for an audition for the Ice Cube sitcom are we there yet.  Now that's what I'm talkin bout!!  So many feelings rushing through.  How can I bring my funny to the screen.  I am a bit nervous about it to be quite honest.  I want to be me!! That is my goal that is my quest.  Because I trust and know that naturally I am funny I don't need to try to be funny, I just  need to be.  And remember the damn lines!!!