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i am a zumba instructor!!

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Uggggh.....(does that count as a post?)

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keep on keepin on
pretending is hiding behind fear
trust your intuition

Forget about tomorrow!!!!! 129

I ate like 4 starving sumo wrestlers this week.  Gotta make sure I do not sabotage my 5 pound efforts.  In the effort to not get a whole pizza and 'start over in the morning' I bit the bullet and got BACK in the kitchen.  I wish the camera's were rolling because what I made was amazing.  I took some fresh asparagus and sprayed them with a Pam like cooking spray.  I sprinkled some breadcrumbs and shot them in the oven.  Then I sauteed some fresh garlic in olive oil and sea salt and washed some spinach.  Threw that in the pan a fresh squeeze of lemon and badddaow!  I was back in business.  I love these things called coco pops sort of like a rice cake but better.  I took a giant one and spread some laughing cow and sliced some tomato and put on that bad boy and I felt like I had eaten a feast.  Okay so now I don't have to start tomorrow.  I started tonight and I am happy......and sleepy. 

128

Happy Talk Keep Talking Happy Talk!

I love life.......and I want to live.......to glory and honor.......i love life.....127

I love it when I go to an audition and a casting director says, "Thank you, you are a breath of fresh air..."  I love it when I commune with a fellow actor, someone who intimately understands without my having to explain the intricacies and we grow as we encourage each other to have loyalty to our souls calling.  I love when new opportunities are on the horizon.  I love when the lesson is understood and the pain lessened in that understanding.  I love being alive.  I love life.  I love meeting a new person and having titillating stimulating conversation and being able to leave it right there without having to project any expectation on the future.  I love when disappointment comes and then it goes as quickly as its coming.  I love life.  I love. I love, I love. 

That's So Raven 126 of 365

check out what she is up to at http://www.raven-symone.org/

Okay so I have a question.  Can someone younger than you be your mentor?  24 years old and a mogul who has mobilized an empire!  I am watching a re-run of "Black Girls Rock".  I have to go to bed but this show is INSPIRING.  I am a black girl that ROCKS!!!!!!  I am serious about her being my mentor tho.  They say a child shall lead them......


Theme




I have tried to be silent about Ne Ne from the Housewives of Atlanta.  I have realized what bothers me about the character that she is playing.  Similar to Amorrosa from The Apprentice it seems to me that the MAD black woman is being rewarded and thus the steryotype given more energy and life.  This is an illusion.  It is perpetuating madness and I can't say given all that she has been offered if I were in her shoes I would do any different.  I am certain she is not the mean-spirited, negative angry and illspewing soul that she represents.  She is on a journey and I am not one to judge but I am tired of this image being sensationalized in the media.  This show, "Black Girls Rock" is profound and has moved me not only because it is us deciding it is time to celebrate us and not wait for someone else to acknowledge our existence and contributions to this planet but because it is a positive force in the universe and in the media.  Only shown on BET I am sorry that this is the only network that will air this show.  It should be everywhere.  Black women rock, women rock, people rock.  Rock on!!

Check out Teresa Clark!  Wow she rocks!!!  She founded an amazing organization. AFRICA.COM/

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I have been afraid to say something for a very long time.  I realized that living inside of my fear is not the way to go.  I WANT LOVE IN MY LIFE!!!  I WANT TO MEET, FALL IN LOVE WITH AND MARRY MY SOULMATE THIS YEAR!  I WANT TO MAKE A LOVE CHILD WITH MY SOULMATE!
There I said it!

EDIT 124

OKAY EDITING IS NOT EASY!!!!!  STILL STAY TUNED!!!

Many miracles happened today but the one that struck me was while in church today.  I was sitting there looking at the stained glass windows.  I was looking at the dedications in scripted in the glass.  None of the names were familiar to me.  I have been going to this church, off and on of late, since I was born.  I started thinking about forgiveness and then I thought, I will do a documentary on forgiveness and interview friends and family and then the pastor of the hour stood to give the scripture for the sermon. It was from the book of Matthew and hot dog if it was not about the power of forgiveness.  There was my answer.  Man!  God works fast!!!

STAY TUNED!!!!! 123

Some exciting news.  I stayed in most of the day today and did my second love; cooked!  Then, 'Eureka' I had an idea.  Everyone always talks about my cooking, asks me to teach them this recipe or that and I thought, why not go viral!!!!!  So today with my mom as my camera woman and hilarious second in command (need someone to taste) I taped my first cooking series!!  Stay tuned!!

ZUMBA!!! 122

I am loving ZUMBA!!!!! I am taking the Zumba training certification course this month and can't wait to start teaching around town.  The perfect marriage of exercise and fun!!!! Stay tuned!

HOLD ON 121

This has been a week of disappointment on all fronts.  A week of blessings on all fronts.  This is the beginning of a Dickens tale!  Superbowl Sunday proved to be a blessing in disguise.  I was feeling neglected and lonely so I didn't feel like having that augmented by hanging with my 'married' friends I thought I wanted to hang with the single folk.  But I was tired so I hung with the married folk; they were closer.  I was so happy I did.  I laughed more than I have laughed all year.  We just communed and shared and it was a blast.  Yeah the game was on but the girls were on one accord, not interested in football.  A superbowl party is about the food and the coming together of friends.  Reminds me of my high school days when my father swore I was not at the game because I had not only no idea of the score but I didn't even know who the home team played.  But I was there.  In our conversation I was given a gift.  One of the 'wives' shared her personal story of love and how she had to stand for what she wanted and her needs were met.  I was inspired and touched by this story and realized I had settled not only in love but in life.  This week I would go for it just a bit more on all fronts.  Ask and ye shall receive was my last post.  Ask for what you want.  A closed mouth don't get fed.  Seek and ye shall find.  Just do it.  Go for it.  YEAH!!!

I auditioned, they loved me and I told them pay me more!!  I took some more risks this week and they all came up empty.  Dang!!!!  I could feel that lil girl in me who wants to go home in a huff with all her toys because others won't play by her rules.  I thought, maybe I asked for too much maybe I should settle.  Settle.  Then I realized this in fact is my defining moment.  The crossroads I have been coming to, the risk that I have been terrified to take.  Hold.  Hold. Hold.  It's scary to let something go because your heart and only your heart and your hopes and a lil dream you had last night is telling you that YOU deserve more, that YOU are more.  But that little dream didn't tell you weather to take that job, or listen to the latest excuse you just heard.  The dream just said; ITS YOU you seek.  So in the disappointment I am taking a big risk.  I want more, I deserve more, I will have more than the meager offerings being presented to me at this present moment.  Pray!

ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE NN120

You ever have a dream you just wanted to get back to?

  Last night I was weary.  I posted on FACE BOOK that I was looking to get my inspiration back.  I have been going back and forth about weather to do an audition that would take me away from my mother for 10 months or not.  I have been on the fence about what I need to do to become a 'star'.  I have been fearful of the years coming and going and me not quite yet turning that corner in relationship in family or career.  I am as old as some of my idols and newer younger versions are on the horizon.  Before going to bed I took a sleeping pill and got violently nauseous ran to the bathroom and involuntarily upchucked my day's nutrition.  Exhausted and concerned about getting a full nights rest I got into bed.  Before going to sleep I try to remember my prayers, sometimes I succeed sometimes I do not.  Tonight was success.  I know that God can speak to me when I am still; sometimes asleep.  I set my intention to love myself more and to be open to love.  'To God, guides all the angels that watch over and protect me, my father and other ancestors, I seek love, I seek to love me more and to listen to that love and trust the precious orchestration that has been set forth for me and my life.'  And then I just laid there.  Soon I feel asleep.  And the most amazing vision came.

• At first there were not a lot of people.  It reminded me of the "Black Nativity" project I just completed.  We were in a stadium.  A few of the characters from that show were there.  It was a bit of a theatrical show.  I had a robe, I had a script but the words on the script were eluding me.  It was as if I hadn't done the show in a while and I couldn't remember all the words.  Since I was playing the role of a preacher I thought I can take some words out and improvise a bit, I wasn't that concerned.  It was time, showtime and I wasn't ready but a deeper more profound part of me was pleased that my personality did its thing and did not prepare.  Less interference from God I presume.  I went out to the small crowd in the small stadium.  It was dingy, dark and circular.  I saw a few friends in the crowd and they were yelling in there usual support.  My crew/choir/cast opened and the 'doors' and I emerged and it was on.  A download of information and inspiration came from God and I just started speaking it.  I was unsure at first but I kept going.  I kept looking for the words and I would say a few of them from the script but they were just intro lines to a larger script in the download that was flooding my spirit.  I wish I could remember exactly what I was talking about.  It was something along the lines of remembering who we are.  We took a small break and the director was only slightly concerned that I was not following script.  People were coming.  Carloads of them.  They were coming and I was talking.  He asked me to get back on script and I said okay but I knew my mind was taking in a new script and there wasn't much room in my brain for more.  It was almost erasing what was there with new exciting and inspiring information.  It was just flowing, it was effortless and easy and exciting and all I had to do was open my mouth and obey.  The cast/choir/crew surrounded me I wanted them to hold but they followed the old script and as I emerged the crowd that was about 10-35 had grown to several hundred.  The stadium was filling.  The old friends and supporters in the crowd were still there but so many I didn't know were there to; witnesses.  I wondered for a second if the venue was fancy enough.  But I soon didn't care.  We were in a venue that was in a rustic sort of forest.  Soon the venue started to come alive.  There was food, the vendors appeared and business once stagnent became vibrant.  It was an active place coming alive from all corners.  I then called for a volunteer.  I asked one young man and then another a question.  One young man said he didn't know who he was.  He said in Lynnwood he was a trying to be white to get along even though he wasn't and in the hood where another parent lived he tried to get along there.  Systematically changing himself.  I asked the crowd if they heard him, some did and some did not.  I interpreted his words.  He did not know himself.  He was pleasing everyone but God, everyone but himself.  And I went on and on.  Soon I was in a car with the old script and some lip gloss ( lip gloss inspires me) with a cast member who sort of was my assistant and protegee.  I was dripping the gloss.  We were on our way to another location for some reason to finish my speech it was by no means over......then

I reluctantly woke up.  I wanted to go to sleep again.  I wanted to remember the exact words.  I wanted to know what to do.  This was significant I know.  I felt the spirit of the Lord come over me and I just said Hallelujah.  Now what?..................

BABY ITS COLD OUTSIDE!!! 119

Blistering about in the cold I wonder about some of my ancestors and the underground railroad.  How in the world did they do it?  How did they survive?  What in them moved them away from the masses in the blistering, blinding wind?

A Simple Truth 118

It's hard to bear all in a blog.  When you know people are reading and can judge you.  When you are not all that you seem.  When you are insecure and not perfect.  I don't HAVE to share my flaws.  So why do I do this?  Why do I show the un-pretty on my journey.  The truth?  I don't know.  What I do know is that I have a need, good or bad, to share my journey.  What I do know is that I don't NEED advice for I possess all the tools I need in this journey and that God is on my side.  What I do know is that my soul has unique lessons to learn and I am sharing my learning.  I should know this stuff and intellectually I do but the human part of my divine essence is flawed, wounded and learning.  Learning to love myself.  Learning from experiences and choices I have made that I can love myself more, respect myself more, and know more.  You don't know something just by understanding it intellectually.  You know it when you know it; mind body and spirit.  This is my life.  I do not love myself enough.  I pause, I hesitate on things that I shouldn't and I forgive myself and love myself anyway.  On this journey to find my beloved I know that I settle and that I must love myself before I seek someone else to love me.  All romantic love is, is a reflection.  But a reflection.  I can't love another or be loved by another in the way that I seek until and unless I love and accept myself.  This is my aim, this is my goal.  damn.  

I LOVE MY FRIENDS 117

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!

I have to say with some it is a painful acceptance.  I have one dear friend who just 'isn't into me right now'. It is painful to witness the shift and a change in a relationship.  Not that the love isn't there but when it was just the two of you before now a husband, kids a job; LIFE stand in the way of carefree camaraderie.  The time is not there, deep silences are not poignant moments but moments of preoccupation with something else.  Ah but the love is there so you understand you call yourself silly for being hurt and you move on.

Another is grateful remembrance.  When a friend reminds you in your moments of questioning the entire journey because the present destination is not a pleasant one.  They tell you how much your presence in their lives has affected and inspired them they in this moment help you to REMEMBER.

I should be saying me and not you, them; abstract.

Yet another is the friends that challenge me.  Call me on my shiznit!  Tell me that I am not standing in my light and hold the light for me to see.  Reflect my beauty back to me and gently call me home.

These three comparisons are all one person and all individuals that I acknowledge myself for calling in my life.  Did I say I love my friends?  I love my friends.  

116 of 365

I am going to do webisodes.  I am now collecting themes for me.  What do you think?  Please post here!!!!!Not on Facebook!
Thanks!

115 of 365

I have been a very bad girl!  I have not written and kept to my commitment of writing!!!  OOOOoooooooo!!!!!!!

All I can say is THE BEAR WHISPERER on The Animal Planet.  Listen to the female narrator on that show.......IT'S ME!!!  YIPPIE!    It was SCARY!!!  Rooooaaar!!  Although I am not doing any of the roaring.

Being vulnerable is also scary.  Especially if you think you know the outcome.....why go through un-necessary pain.

11/11/11  My big day.  Who I have no clue but I know.  I am claiming that day!  Yessir!