AVON 9 of 365

Bachata last night, African tonight, I love dance.  I am falling in love with my body, (its about time) and the uniqueness I bring, without even trying to everything I do.  I am beginning to trust myself again and am taking it as it comes and that, I think, is a good thing.

It is time to book another job.  I haven't seen my commercial in quite sometime so I think tomorrow I need to book AVON.  Love and light to me on that one.  That should be FABULOUS.  I am gonna watch some Avon commercials before going to bed and set the intention and declare to everyone who reads this to hold light for me tomorrow at 1130 and that everything lines up for me to be EXACTLY what those casting, ad agency and the client are looking for.  I AM the new voice of AVON.

9 of 365

Okay so I am writing while watching Project Runway.  In the past 24 hours I have watched two movies
"Turtles Can Fly" a heart wrenching movie about Iraq
"Food Inc" A revolutionary film about the mass production of food and how un wholistic the food we consume is becoming.
I watched the premiere of Boardwalk Empire.  Excited because I am co-starring in the 6th episode.
I danced Bachata for 3 hours.
Went to a heart warming baby shower
Took my mom to church
and met friends for brunch.  What a day.  Just how I love em!  This is a great pace of life for me.  I loved it.   I have much to say about it all but my brain is in a bit of Idiot mode and I think it best I not attempt to be too deep.  I aint dere!  I am happy tho.  In this moment to.....I AM

8 of 365

I am doing just a quick note today while I wait for my movie, "Happy Accidents" to load on Netflix.  I'll let you know if it is any good.

A few people disappointed me today.  Which gives me a bit of information about myself.  I am still attached to the outcome of things.  It must take a really evolved person to literally take no emotional downward care if people do or don't do certain things.  I expected my phone ring and it has not.  There is information in this I can see, there is a bit of upset and that I can also see.  I really look forward to the day when I can take in the information that people's action bring with little to no emotional collateral damage.  For some things it seems easy and highly plausible but for others it seems close to impossible.  I won't make any promises as to what I will do when this day comes because it could come sooner than I expect.  Like when I was in junior high, I took it upon myself to read the bible from beginning to end.  I thought this would take a lifetime.  So I made a great and grave pledge to God that once I read the entire bible from beginning to end that I would be ready to meet my Savior face to face and leave this earthly plane.  Okay so when I rounded the corner to Revelations some 7 months later I started only ready a page a day.  And then I was terrified that I would be struck by some random lightening bolt sent from the heavens just for me.  I think I never read the last page.  That was a part of my renegotiating that I blogged about yesterday.  Had to rethink and re speak that one.  I WANT TO LIVE!!!  I WANT TO LEARN GOD, AND BY GOLLY I WANT TO BE HERE!!!!  DO OVER!!  I TAKE THAT ONE BACK!!!  I AM HERE AND I WANT TO BE HERE!!!  Honestly I really thought it would take an entire lifetime to read that book!  It was so interesting and confusing at the same time but I moved right on through.  So as I look to the amazing and seemingly impossible day of having no emotional attachment to other people's behavior I know that I wont make any grand gestures or promises to God about how and when this will occur.  I just know it will.  And not in a resigned or 'whateva' way, in a loving and empowered way and when that way becomes my way, I will simply be grateful and rejoice and maybe blog about it.

The Renegotiation (7 of 365)

Wow a week.  I have to say that when I write I feel better, I don't know what it is about writing, it is like throw up for the mind.  And when you sift through there is some good stuff in there.  This has been a good week, starting out not so good and ending in a boring but good way.  Holding for the highest good is what I want to talk about ever so briefly.  I have learned some hard lessons about people pleasing.  I may not seem it because ultimately I end up going my own way and being my true self but the agony that I go through many will never know. Well except that I said it.  Sometimes I think maybe I should keep it a big secret.  Making life look easy makes you seem larger than life but alas I have spilt the beans!  I am a recovering people pleaser.  And being back in my hometown I am reminded of all the reasons I left and never looked back.  Being in a stationary place does that to you.  But there is so much good in coming home, being home and being my true self.  In LA or in Japan it is so easy to be yourself because no one knows you.  No one calls you "Baby Sister" and treats you like Baby Sister or the shadow you as an insecure growing adolescent.  I was good and grown and I was able to navigate myself and my relationships rather well. Being home is like an extended Thanksgiving or holiday weekend with family an friends.  But when just visiting, you keep it all in and wait until on the plane or train or bus to say, "Thank God I am outta there"  Well I am not outta there and the beauty of the challenge of being here is to be my full self, speak truth to power and to live in my light no matter how much even your closest of close, friends, relatives and love ones disapprove, disagree or plain don't understand.  I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul right?  At the end of the day no one cares as much as they seem to, its just something to say or do or chime in on or about.  I'm being vague right?  But I am sure you get my gist.

I was reading and doing some of the exercises in CALLING IN THE ONE. And it talked about Renegotiating Old Agreements.  We do things as children that make total sense to us as a child but as an adult it doesn't even fit.  The mind then was like our clothes, we have all outgrown them.  We make little promises about things that we often don't remember but somehow, those prayers, promises have been answered and solidified and seem to be invisible barriers in the way of our hopes and dreams.  My mother lost her mom before I or my brother were born.  Growing up this didn't mean much to me except I didn't have a grandma on my moms side.  I know understand the devastation of being pregnant with your first child and losing your mother.  I have dresses that my grandmother made for me.  I am sure of her hopes and anticipation in meeting me.  Never happened.  My mother was always a bit afraid that she would die early.  Now she fears she will pass before I get married or bring a child into the world.  Her almost daily chant is, "I hope you get married and have a baby before I die!"  She means this more than she means anything.  What I hear is, 'when you get married and have a baby, I will die'.  I am wondering if somewhere in my child heart which is the one that connects and relates to and loves my mother if I have made some irrational agreement with God that if I never grow up, marry and have children that my mother will always be with me.  I know, in my rational mind, that either way we will part ways.  And the ripping apart that either one of us will surely experience will be great.  But since I ain't plannin on leavin no time soon and I intend to marry and bare at least one healthy child I have some renegotiating to do.  This is what.....hmmmm forgot his name but some psychologist calls an "irrational fear".  Today I renegotiated that.  I must live my full life.  Love fully and completely no matter what.  I will lose some and I will win some but I must live and be true to my heart.  I can not STOP loving or living to spare my mothers life.  The truth is I don't have that power.  No one does.  But how many invisible agreements or contracts have we created with emotional partners in the world putting ourselves on the alter as a living sacrifice for no good reason??? I wonder.  I talked with my mother today about this and she just beamed.  More than anything she wants me to be happy and to life my full life.  That is her joy that is her prayer and that is my promise.

6 of 365

wow its almost been a week.  Interesting.  I am very tired, not much to say except get the book, CALLING IN THE ONE.  I think this book is amazing and the exercises in it are equisitely designed to facilitate a shift.  Even if you are in a partnership this book I think will enable you to really move into a place of ownership and healing in your relationship with yourself.  I'm just sayin....check it out.

I am on hold for a VO (voice over) job.  I hope it pans out.  In the performance industry no news is not necessarily good news.  I tell ya.....

?? (5 of 365)

Today was a mosh posh had to go to NY for a quick audition.  Saw COMMON in the elevator and really felt like a groupie, it lasted about an hour and then I got over it.  I really wanted to chat him up a bit but like the real me ran down the street somewhere and waited for me at the train station while the younger groupie me just acted a dagon fool.  I am not sure what came over me.  I have been in the company of celebrities my entire life and just lost a few cool points today, but I am able to laugh with and at myself so its cool.

Then went SALSA dancing.  I will have to post pictures.  But Sonja is AMAZING.

I woke up dis monin wit my mind......(4 of 365)

Dag!  A year goes fast!  Okay so I haven't quite figured out how to disable this from facebook but soon and very soon.  There used to be this old negro spiritual that I sang in some choir some time ago that went

I WOKE UP DIS MORNIN WITH MY MIND

STAYED ON JESUS

I WOKE UP DIS MORNIN WID MA MIND

STAYED ON JESUS

I WOKE UP....

you get the picture right.  Then there was something I recall my dad saying filling himself up with energy as he bellowed

I LOOK TOWARDS THE HILLS WHICH COMETH MY HELP!?

MY HELP COMETH FROM THE LORD...

Honey chile let me tell you.  I woke up this morning determined to get back into my spiritual practice.  Which right now includes short meditation, oh wait....wrong order......I do my morning pages (3 long hand pages of free form writing) THEN a short meditation, and a song of some sort.  After talking to one of my besties about the importance of a spiritual practice she mentioned something about facing the rising sun ("with my face to the rising sun") the east in the morning and west if praying or meditating at night.  So I didn't exactly know where that was but I just put my meditation chair towards the sun.  It was a lot of trees so I couldn't exactly see the sun but before I looked up to the sky I took a deep breath and I said that this meditation was about me releasing all of my attachments to the outcome of events (not my will but thy will.....a hard one for me) whilst still maintaining hope and faith that my prayers will be answered.  Prayer is more about asking and meditation about clearing or receiving or something like that. ANYWAY....I set a clear intention to release..looked up to the hills and HONEY when I tell you it was as if the SPIRIT of everything that is good and kind and perfect and whole was just waiting for me.  I was OVERWHELMED with a vision full of joy, hope, promise, love and fulfillment.  I had a very simple AMAZING day.  And I am so very very grateful to be getting back to me.  Amen? AMEN!!!

ENCOURAGEMENT: Find a way to connect, if you don't have a spiritual practice, start one....3 foot tosses, nothing big but something you CAN and WILL commit to.  

COMMITMENT: I will continue to develop and expand my spiritual connection and conversation with God....my Freind!