SURRENDER

There is an old gospel song that I used to sing before my father's sermon called I Surrender All.  

All to Jesus, I surrender, all to him I freely give.  I will ever love and trust Him in His presence daily live... Worldly pleasures all forsaken, take me Jesus take me now.  I surrender all, I surrender all,  all to thee my blessed savior, I surrender all.  

I have returned home to see that nothing has changed and everything has changed.  It is difficult to admit that I do not have a plan, a next step in my life or a plan as to how to repair my broken heart.  I must surrender to the unknown and truly walk in faith.  It is easier said than done.  The concept is quite simple but the doing is not so easy.  What if I run out of money?  What if I don't turn the corner, what if I stay in California, what if I move back east, what if I start from the point that I left, what if I don't make it?  What if I do make it:  what if I do turn that corner, what if I let go of the illusion that is my life and surrender to the will of my life?  What if, for once I walk in faith?  Again, easier said than done.  I am praying for surrender, for trust in the unknown as I take a leap of faith and surrender.  Easier said than done but this is my prayer, this is my hope.  

I have seen old friends and my heart aches for the suffering we impose on our hearts and minds.  I see it in others and know that I am but looking into the mirror of my own suffering.  I long for a new way of being and I long for faith in things not seen but hoped for.  I am setting an intention on this night to surrender and to walk in faith and open myself to the bountiful, abundant blessings of the universe.  

I will allow myself to feel the sorrow that is present in my heart, with faith that joy will soon replace the sorrow and mourning of the illusion that was my life that has been shattered.  

There is another song that has come to mind.  An older gospel tune. 

I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord, till I die.  I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord till I die.  We sing songs our whole lives, utter words without really understanding the true meaning, without trusting we sing.  It matters not your religious persuasion-Lord/Universe/God/Allah/ Jehovah/Life/It/Spirit replace them if you must.  I will trust in the ________.  Trust, surrender, faith.  Words that lead to the same place.  

Fill me with thy love and power, Let thy blessings fall on me.  I surrender all...

KICKING AND SCREAMING

I thought I could do this a bit more gracefully.  I am the last one to leave this party.  The hosts are cleaning up and it is over but I had such a good time I am not ready to go home yet.  I am the little girl who finds a playmate that sees her finally.  She is playing and laughing her little heart out, jumping and bouncing about.  The keys jingle, momma say's its time to go night night, I fall out on the floor kicking and screaming for my life.  I am not ready to go.  

Loopy

I am ending day five and I feel very loopy.  Just checkin in really.  I had an amazing day.  Schedule basically the same but instead of oxygen I did a parasite zapper.  I also took the liver flush which is probably the root to my whooziness.  

We went to the weekend market and I had a ball bargaining more gifts for folks at home.  It was a lot of fun.  Uuuuuuhhhhh, I was gonna say something else.... oh!  Tomorrow marks Thailand's New Year and everyone buys water guns and plays practical jokes on everyone!!!  I would film but I would be mad as hell if my camera got messed up, so I think I will leave it at home.  

At the market there were all types of grilled and fried bugs.  A friend let me use her camera so I will have to let you guys see that.  People were buying bugs, eating bugs, cookin em and everything.  That was a hot mess.  But fun to watch.  

I have another nasty shake to drink, and my probiotics to take the highlight of all this is that I saved some young coconut water which we are allowed to have during our starvation..I mean fast.  Two more days!  Oh my!  Really one more because I will be breaking the fast day after tomorrow.  

Your girl is goin raw!  Wish me luck.  

Retreat/fast/detox....hungry

They say you are not supposed to be hungry but I am.  This is some serious business taking care of yourself.  I have been up since 7 am and my schedule is FULL ON!!!

7:30 am   Walk on the beach

9 am Morning meeting (you schedule your colema's, massage and any other treatments)

9:45 Coffee colema

11am Ion Cleanse - here after seeing this bubbly orange stuff come up in the foot bath, Michelle asked if I had been on a lot of antibiotics, which I have.  She explained that candida (80% of women have it) was present in my system and persistent thrash or yeast infections are a result.  I am gonna attempt NOT having the coconut water that I love so much.  No sugar is the solution to rid the body of that.  Not forever but a definite for now.  There were these little black things in the water.  I was like, "what the heck is this?"  Michelle confidently asked me if I had any amalgam fillings to which I replied that just last week I had finished up a series of sessions with my dentist in Tokyo.  (Tokyo is the place to get your teeth fixed!)  The price DOES NOT COMPARE to the states.  I hear the same is true for Phuket though I haven't had anything done here. I was so amazed that she could look at the gunk in a foot bath that TY sprinkled some salt in and pushed some buttons, with such accuracy.  I am starting to believe in this fast more and more.  On to the schedule.  

2pm  Oxygen therapy--This is the truth!  I hear it is anyway, I haven't had this therapy yet but I will today.  Someone told me today that there was a link to lack of oxygen in the system and cancer.  I'll have to get some more accurate details on this but it makes sense.  The blood cells somehow are starved and start to mutate.  

3pm Massage (head and shoulders)  I am in love with the Thai aromatic massages and have had one everyday which is a part of our package but they also offer reflexology, head and neck and Thai.  I am gonna force myself to try the others but I LOVE the aromatic massage.  You can have it outside in the forest in this hut that sits over a muddy lake.  I feel like I am reliving a past life in these moments as an African princess or Native American noble woman.  

4pm Colema---Today's flavor Vit. C

5pm Herbal Steam room

7pm EFT Introduction (more to come on this!!!!)

Spending so much time nurturing myself, learning from my body what it needs is going to help me in so many ways.  I have spent so much time catering to other's being so intuitive to the needs of those I care about I don't even know what I want or need.  This awareness has made this experience so worth it.  I have needs on a physical, mental, spiritual and emotional level and some of those needs are not being met.  This schedule is completely about me and I am aware of feelings of guilt, worry for my mom, thoughts about people not here and realize the thing that I told my Weight Watcher's members.  "If you are not taken care of you can not fully take care of others with a full heart"  I am learning the truth of this statement.  I find that I am afraid to ask, 'one more question', even though I have 20 more.  Hopefully I can heal some of this emotional debris that is emerging and I clear the clog...in more ways than one!  

The mosquito's I can do without!  It rained last night and I feared all of Phuket would be washed away.  It reminded me of the rainstorm in the opening of "Once On This Island" that I did at ITC in Long Beach.  That was a lot of rain. And today the mosquito's are out.  I have over 30 bites on my  body!

Atsumi....2

Day 2.  

Talking about it, looking at it from a strainer, examining and studying up on it has been something I have been doing in Thailand.  Of both elephants and myself.  Did you know that a healthy elephant's poo doesn't smell AT ALL?  As part of our 4 part check of the elephants after we fed them a morning snacks we had to make sure they dropped 6 loads of poo.  Sometimes it seemed like more since they broke in half upon impact.  Then you pick apart the poo and squeeze it.  Water dripping from the poo ensures that the elephant is properly hydrated.  The final phase of elephant poo 101 is.......you got it smelling it!  Didn't smell a thing.  And that means that the elephant is healthy.  Which got me to thinking.  Should poo smell?????

This afternoon, Michelle, a lovely Brit who is also the in house poo expert, gave us grand poo tutelage.  I learned so much about human poo, color, shape and it to determines the healthiness of a human being.  Processed food is the biggest gut blocker.  Through the elephants I am bonded to poo.  We talk about it in the herbal steam room, meet and discuss it in the afternoon and have serious poo starting vits and minerals.  Something I am not comfy discussing but so important to our health.  It was so odd that is seems all cool to discuss an elephant and his enormous poo but wouldn't discuss it with just anyone they knew. 

All that to say.........I'm not comfy talking this candidly but.......I think I saw a parasite.  

Detox- Day 1

Wow.  Some details I will spare.  But today just got hard and it's time for sleep.  I really want a smoke, but not really and I am not craving anything; my stomach is growling and empty.  

At 7:30 I had a pH test to check out if I was "fast-ready"  I was fine. 6.6 I have no idea what that means but it seems just fine to me.  It was time for a hike/walk.  I met the rest of the fasters, 2-Americans, I living in Korea the other Quiwait, a German woman living in Shrilanka, 2 Irish woman, an Aussie man, the only one of this lot, a Thai woman, and a Brit.  All on various days of their fast.  We walked

 and chatted about this and that whilst looking at beautiful Phuket beach from above.  

Next stop, the morning meeting.  We pulled angel cards from an angel deck and read what they meant.  Mine card was about abundance, seemed interesting.  It put me in touch with the memory of a nick name given to me as a freshman in high school and said something simililar to my my father's favorite passage and song which states that God's compassions never fail us. My card said that because I had just a tiny bit of faith my prayers have been answered and I am and will be abundant- keep the fatih.    Then everyone decided their schedule for the day.  Colemas- a choice of coffee, garlic, vitamin- C or water.  Massage- reflexology, head-shoulder-neck, Aromatic oil or Thai.  

I was scheduled for 3 but first had to learn about the detox.  This particular detox really blends body mind and spirit by  releasing toxins from the body as well as from the emotional body.  The thought is that if you want a piece of cake or fried chicken, or ribs, mac and cheese, rolls, pizza, fettuchini alfredo, corn bread, catfish nuggest---okay I got side tracked, but the thought here at Atsumi is that the need for food is really masking a need for nurturing in some way.  The great thing is that Weight Watchers is moving in this direction of thinking as well.  Peach Cobbler does taste good but it doesn't replace the emotional feelings that it brings (my brother loves peach cobbler and I always think of him and my Aunt Dottie when I smell it).  Sometimes I have felt so comforted by good food.  It is strange for me to think about and approach food in a different way.  "If hunger isn't the problem, food is not the solution"  

 So far I am not hungry just a bit thirsty.  I will be doing 7 days of pills that have pro-biotics, minerals, clay, husk - all kinds of good crap.  Speaking of which, then there is the shake. No! Psyllium and Bentonite clay the girls tricked me on the walk and said the shakes were delicious.  They were joking.  Then to the Colema room.  Uhhhhhhhh...... click the word if you need help on this one.  Ha!  Just joking, look it up.  I was showed how to deliver the coffee into my lower intestines and left to my own vices, soft music, sweet smells, a strainer......   Fast foward to an hour later- past the amazing massage- I am back at 4pm for my evening colema.  I step on the scale and 1 k lighter am I.  I never thought I was full of it but I kinda was.  I wonder if there is any double meaning in that.  In what ways have I been full of it?  Is there a correlation between being backed up literally?  

Herbal steam sauna, coconut water (ummm mozz. sticks and steak to me)  more pills, more shakes, more trips to the loo and here I am.  I have to say, minus the growling tummy, I feel pretty darn good.  And I don't want a cigarette anymore!

The Elephant Farm

So much to say.  I am pooped!  This was the most amazing day, one of, of my life!  I have so much to say about this day at this conservationist farm in Chiang Mai.  Not the touristy, chair on top of the elephant rides.  We learned about, fed and bathed the elephants.  I was scared, elated, fell off, got cut, delcared, "i'm done!" and got back on again.  A bit more about this place, my time in Chiang Mai to come.  A must do.  

Chiang Mai

I am loving Thailand.  So much to say, so much to post but I am having a relaxing time.  Just had a 2 1/2 hour massage at the resort.  And sat in the sun after a splash in the pool.  What my body and soul needs right now.  Chiang Mai is the place to go.  And I never even heard of it until now.  Affordable and lavish those two things usually don't go together.  More soon.