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Sigh.  Growing pains.  Creating boundaries.  Life is good and it will be even better, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.  

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Okay my intention is honesty and personal integrity; to write with that or not at all.  So.......
My day basically sucked because I didn't listen to myself.  I ended up with a migraine and in bed.
I spoke to so many departments in the DMV in the efforts to try and recover my license to no avail.  California's laws are not the same as New Jersey's and blah blah.  With all that we can do in our advanced technological society I am amazed that to agencies can not confirm that I am a licensed driver.  5 hours later.........Done talking about that

I went online and saw some photo's from the opening of Ruined and I felt a pang in the center of my soul.  I felt like Cinderella left home from the ball.  I felt small and I felt lost.  The feeling didn't last long only when I think of that play and how much I wanted to be a part of the production.  Sometimes when you don't get a part it is easy to loose your way and it takes some doing to know you are still who you are.  In the performing field if you are not grounded this can be scary.  It's like sometimes you get picked to play kickball and sometimes you don't.  If you loose yourself or gain yourself according to outside circumstances or happenings you are in for a roller coaster ride.  Lesson learned, internal grounding still in process but still.  I mean, can a sista get a break?

Lessons in love still coming.  I am changing and thank God for that.  

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I realize that my posts have been pretty shabby lately.  In Japan there was so much externally new and exciting and while stateside things are just as new and exciting but much more personal.  I realize there is a bit of difficulty in revealing all that occurs with me, miracles indeed, on a daily basis because well it is personal.  I am very much aware of outside opinions and judgements so I monitor and curtail so much that it almost snuffs the writing outta me!!!!

I was told by my lovely assistant and help-mate (not in the gay sense) that I have some of the best relationships that she has ever witnessed.  This touched me profoundly and I second guess sharing these beautiful moments for fear that people will not understand.  I am working on it....

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happy talk keep talking happy talk

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There are two books that I have mentioned that I need to finish.  CALLING IN THE ONE and THE BIG LEAP. 

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I want that job!!!!

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It has been a while since I have allowed my energy to mix.  My intention is to hold in the light of who I am today.  As much and as long as I can.  

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So mom is out of the hospital and roaring and ready to go.  Those IV bags must have a bit of get up and go in em.  I on the other hand an exhausted.  But relieved.

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Momma's in the hospital.  Makes me think of "The Big Leap"  Good events don't have to be followed by a tragic one. But this shift of consciousness takes time.  Today was a challenging one but momma is going to be fine and I will be fine as well.  

SATURDAY, MAY 14, 2011 189

I have missed sooooooooo many days!!!  Oooooooo talk about tired.  Talk about proud and happy.  I was dreading yesterday and I don't know why.  I had an amazing day and I am so proud of myself for bringing an idea to life.  My cousin and I talked about throwing a party to celebrate my mom.  My dad used to always say, 'gimmie my flowers befo I die' and that is what I wanted to do.  I have so much going on in my life and she wasn't confident that I would be able to follow my good intentions with action.  Truth be told neither was I.  But I am sick and tired of letting my intentions and ideas go by the wayside.  I wanted to reach up and grab one idea and see it through.  Just start and finish something again.  Not that I haven't started or finished many things, I have but the starting and finishing an idea is much different than the start and finish of something structured and established.  All that to say, minus the caterer, my mother's birthday celebration was everything that my heart intended and it feels very good inside.  My assistant was a dream and we worked seamlessly together on one accord and pulled off a wonderful celebration of life.

Don't ever use   American Traditional Caterers.  I absolutely loved them until the day of the event when they showed up 30 minutes before the opening of the doors with excuses, burnt some of the appetizers, and then refused to refund any portion of my money after starting almost an hour late and causing guests to wait for food is unacceptable.  Excuses are all he gave.

There was a classmate from her high school days, neighbors, colleagues from work, church, sorority and service organizations,  friends and a host of family members who paused to give my momma her flowers in the joy and grace of her life.  She was gracious and moved everyone with her heartfelt thank you at the end.  It was a great day.  I am proud and happy.  I feel like I have come full circle with my mother, not a small feat.  To make peace with your mother....to heal, to love and fully appreciate a mothers love is key.  I think I have finally unlocked the mystery of love.  Interesting to see what happens next. 

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Coughed all day in bed all night.  Highly medicated and so much to do but realizing that I must figure out a way to not  "oooo I can't wait til this party is over" and connect with the spirit of why I decided to throw the party in the first place and know that the most important thing has already occurred.  I have bought people together to celebrate an amazing woman, my mom.  She is an incredible human being and I am so grateful for this time we have together.  My life has come full circle and I can see the blessings and foundation of my past and  am ready to soar, I was built to soar.  I owe it to myself and my family to soar.  So I pray for rest so that I can joyfully celebrate my moms life! 

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A good nights rest does wonders for a weary soul.  Now to begin visualizing the life I will be living.  I am living it now. 

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I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Find your center and breathe. 

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Are you there God its me Mattilyn?

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Either it is not right yet or I am doing something wrong. 

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TODAYS LESSON

Trust yourself more.
Do something that scares you everyday.  

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I am working on many things.  

Healing in Progress 181 of 365

This one is gonna be quick.  I am tired and haven't really been blogging everyday!  Oh my!  I am having a garage sale saturday, oh my so much energy moving about.  Ready to shed the past and still hold on to precious memories.  I know there is a way to do both.  The past keeps coming forward and my question is a complicated one.  I know the answer is probably simpler than it seems.  AS I write this I know the answer.  It is simple, follow your heart.  The following out this simple instruction is where the complications come in.  I simply am ready to close doors of painful pasts; hurts, betrayals, anger, confusion (no not all of it but I am talking about that part of it) and welcome love.  I heard the instruction today; just chill, wait for the clearing, be patient, clear, clean, sing.  There is a restlessness in this house, from the opening of attics, boxes, pictures, the moving of 40 year old furniture.  Maybe some prayers and sage are in order.  Healing in progress.  

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hmmmmmmm