NEW YORK NEW YORK NEW YORK

IF I CAN MAKE IT THERE ILL MAKE IT ANYWHERE ITS UP TO YOU NEW YORK NEW YORK!!!

more to come....

Thrown into life by circumstance and a series of choices, I share some of the responsibility for where I am, the rest is as they say kismet. I didn't feel it when I drove around Philadelphia; down Kelley Drive where I used to run every morning, or on the Schuylkill Expressway that carried me to places I now try to forget, Philly held only old memories that reminded me of yesterday. But when I emerged onto the busy streets of NYC after a reluctant train ride that reminded me of Tokyo but not quite, and made it up the dirty escalator in Penn Station, peppered with rude men looking at me as if they had "known" me just last night, I felt it. A knowing that I was headed in the right direction, if not a landing place- for a while at least. I felt something stir inside that pushed aside the worry and sadness. Something exciting, joy bustled through the darkness and the light came on. I'M BAAAACK. I could feel myself coming alive and I could hear the whisper in the waft of many days that the homeless man asking for change - I gave him a dollar; that everything is gonna be alright that I am taken care of always and that if I but surrender-I will flow into my hearts desires with ease, grace and pure delight. This is my prediction for New York.

More to come...

Dressing room-Looking Back 2

In between shows we nap and cuddle.  Here we have Hayden and Beck circa 2009 getting some rest in. 
Lateefah and Jeremy watching probably 6 Feet Under.  Jeremy had the disk set. 
The consummate professional Miss Emma getting ready to sing Chatanooga.  

Dressing Room-Looking Back 1

My final performance in Japan this go around was March 31st.  Although sad, I could not wait to get the hell out of that dressing room.  Although I tried to pause and take it all in, the walls of the beautiful 1,500 seat Broadway Theater were closing in on me and it was time for me to move on.  I miss the characters that made up my contract both Gajin and not.  Some remain on performing in the Japanese limelight while others have moved on to Philadelphia, Idaho, Melbourn (Australia), California and me in New Jersey.  And even for those who stayed on the dynamic has changed I am sure because there are new faces to replace what had become the old.  I miss the bright cheery "Ohio gazimus!"from the Japanese dancers, stage managers and costume and wig people that I was not always in the mood for in the mornings.  Especially if I was coming in at 11 am and I wouldn't hit the stage until almost 4pm....ahhh the Japanese ever economic even at the expense of art.  

What Could Be

If anything were possible.  What would your tomorrow look like?

Applicants for Kingship

This is an interview with a modern day queen...

Things are evolving and moving and several suitors have stepped into view.  Some are not even worth mentioning and the others, well they are but I can't post this right now for that reason. But then again, they pick and choose why can't I? No one considers my feelings when living there life why can't I honor and value that fact that I am a queen looking for my king?  Have been since I was a wee girl.   Some have shown themselves not worth the effort and others, well lets just say there are questions but then again not really because if there are questions it is a no! Many bumps into brick walls with eyes wide open have taught me that.  Dang my momma did used to call me hard headed. But I have learned the hard way and finally it has gotten through my head, if you find yourself saying "maybe its because....." or "maybe he just..." STOP!  Take it from me, there is a red light ahead which indicates that there is a brick wall you are about to hit......slow down or go in another direction.....IMMEDIATELY...DO NOT PROCEED.  Love = Joy.  Love= Ease and grace.  Love = peace of mind, heart body and soul.   

 There is a front runner after all is said and done.  Is it because he is older, established, unafraid and  can see me and handle what he sees?  He doesn't need sunglasses and is not blinded from or diminished by me.  That is my number one requirement.  That along with kind, gentle, loving, fun, joyous, honest, loyal, strong, able to attract prosperity and abundance and the ability to fly I must like them and be irresistibly attracted to him.  Rule #1.  My king must love his queen unconditionally and give to her with a full heart for he grows from giving and adores the radiance given from the queen's light; he is blessed by her glow and basks in it more than most.   He not only brings others to be adorned by it,  he adds to her light from his so that both shine brighter and lead other's to the path of love.  This and love are my main requirements.  I regretfully have had to walk alone, or been abandoned by the roadside because this is a hard trait for this queen to find and some suitors have grown weary.  Alas, a hard task indeed.  Time is of the essence because the queen must bear a prince... or a princess to continue the tale of the journey towards love.   The journey is love. 

  

Monday, May 11 2009

New Jersey. 

I have been here a week and two days.  And I must say so far, I do not like it.  With all the sadness I felt in LA because the life I came home (LA) to was nothing that I had planned or imagined while in Japan, still, I felt a connection, a groundedness an unseen and unfelt support system for myself in Los Angeles.  I do not feel that here.  I feel a coldness, a typicalness, and the skelaton of an old paradigm here in Jersey.  I felt a small surge, a spark of something in NY but it was dirty and it made me miss the chaotic order of the buzzing streets of Japan- well minus the spatially challenged Japanese bumping into you and cutting you off and stopping dead in your tracks to look at there cells.  This may be part of the process, but I fear my only connection to the south Jersey area is that my roots are here.  I was born and raised here and I have dear friends that I will never loose a connection with no matter where I am.  I am looking for something, some kind of sign that says yes stay you can build from this place.  My mother needs me but that is not my life.  I have had a few hints of something here and there but no joy.  Still underneath it all I do have a sense that no matter where I am, since I am success and joy and light I will attract it, if I but trust.  And still what makes my heart sing is sun, progressive thinking, open minds of LA.  

There is something to be said about roots.  I have to think of what I missed most in LA.  Roots.  Something to think about. 

SURRENDER

There is an old gospel song that I used to sing before my father's sermon called I Surrender All.  

All to Jesus, I surrender, all to him I freely give.  I will ever love and trust Him in His presence daily live... Worldly pleasures all forsaken, take me Jesus take me now.  I surrender all, I surrender all,  all to thee my blessed savior, I surrender all.  

I have returned home to see that nothing has changed and everything has changed.  It is difficult to admit that I do not have a plan, a next step in my life or a plan as to how to repair my broken heart.  I must surrender to the unknown and truly walk in faith.  It is easier said than done.  The concept is quite simple but the doing is not so easy.  What if I run out of money?  What if I don't turn the corner, what if I stay in California, what if I move back east, what if I start from the point that I left, what if I don't make it?  What if I do make it:  what if I do turn that corner, what if I let go of the illusion that is my life and surrender to the will of my life?  What if, for once I walk in faith?  Again, easier said than done.  I am praying for surrender, for trust in the unknown as I take a leap of faith and surrender.  Easier said than done but this is my prayer, this is my hope.  

I have seen old friends and my heart aches for the suffering we impose on our hearts and minds.  I see it in others and know that I am but looking into the mirror of my own suffering.  I long for a new way of being and I long for faith in things not seen but hoped for.  I am setting an intention on this night to surrender and to walk in faith and open myself to the bountiful, abundant blessings of the universe.  

I will allow myself to feel the sorrow that is present in my heart, with faith that joy will soon replace the sorrow and mourning of the illusion that was my life that has been shattered.  

There is another song that has come to mind.  An older gospel tune. 

I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord, till I die.  I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord, I will trust in the Lord till I die.  We sing songs our whole lives, utter words without really understanding the true meaning, without trusting we sing.  It matters not your religious persuasion-Lord/Universe/God/Allah/ Jehovah/Life/It/Spirit replace them if you must.  I will trust in the ________.  Trust, surrender, faith.  Words that lead to the same place.  

Fill me with thy love and power, Let thy blessings fall on me.  I surrender all...