Life is not about where you are.
I grew up in Willingboro, NJ a suburb about 25 minutes north of Philadelphia and I couldn't wait until I was old enough to get out of the house. I thought I knew everything and my parents knew nothing. College for me was more about escaping from my parents than about getting an education. But an education was what I got. I was almost raped about 3 times during my 4-year college experience. Talk about sheltered.
I thought I knew everything and my parents knew nothing. After graduation I joined Up With People for a fantastic life-changing but painfully lonely year. I traveled the world and lived out of my suitcase. My home being the 80 cities throughout the 13 countries I visited as a cast member and soloist. As a young adult with my life ahead of me, I took life and every opportunity that came before me for granted. I lived at home with my parents upon returning from my journey for only 3 months and I couldn't stand it. I moved to Philly and on my own got myself into more trouble than I can tell in a short paragraph. I was taken advantage of and betrayed in such a profound way that I am still healing from the pain that my blind trust inflicted on my "divine being having a human experience". Don't get me wrong I grew as a person and did amazing things. I started my acting/singing career. Helped found a non-profit that traveled with kids to Africa and Europe. I was the Program and Creative Director of this program and literally changed the course of about 30 kids per year's life. But I had to get out of Philadelphia and to get away from all the dysfunction that my running from my family had created. It was time for me, time to finally forge my own way so 'California here i come!'
California was where my father died and I was robbed at gun-point. My father didn't physically die in California but I was living in California when he died. I was heart broken, my family- that I ran from- was now missing a significant player and he would never return. In California I also got a MA in Spiritual Psychology and finally premiered my one-woman show "A Song for my Father". But I still felt cornered and smothered and nothing was happening the way I had hoped. Everything, though rich with wonderful was costing me a bit of myself. The opportunity to come to Japan happened upon my path. Again, I jumped at the opportunity to venture out to new territory. I needed to get away.
All of this has taught me that the one common denominator in my life has been and will always be me. I have been with me from NJ, to Philly, to Africa, Europe and now Asia and that something that is eating away is coming more from me than from outside of me. What is it?
A lot of people are so in awe of my travels, my life and my fearlessness to step into the world at large and I don't want to minimize anything that I have accomplished or experienced. I have had a rich and wonderful life so far and hope that it deepens in richness and wonder. I intend for that to happen. But I to stand in awe of my friends and family who have chosen to stick close to home or what they know, of their ability to take root somewhere and build something. Both have their ups and downs and both have their sacrifices. You loose something in all of it and you gain something no matter the side of the fence you choose. I am not in the lives of my nephews or my family or friends in the way my heart aches for me to be. I have missed weddings, funerals, births and milestone events. I do not have a husband or children to call my own. My "home" is wherever I make one to lay my head. Yet I am a global citizen. I see the similarities that we as humans have no matter the shape, size color, culture or ethnic group we come in. I can feel at "home" no matter where I am in the world. I belong every where that I am in the world. I get to witness humanity in all its forms. I am lucky in this.
Here in Japan, in the buzz and murmur where I don't know what the news, radio, conversation on the train or around me means, I really am in a bubble. Words have no weight on me and I like it. Words are used to order food, get directions in the subway but other than that I am ignorant-- and it is bliss. I don't have to carry the burden of this culture. But still I feel the pressure of life ebbing down on me. I must do something, I am supposed to be doing something. It dawned on me today that while I am pushing myself to do something to be something that maybe just once in my life I should relish in just being me. Pause in the now of life and give thanks. What would happen in my life if I took all the external pressures away and just was... well... me?
What am I running from, or to? Do I need to know? Must I put myself under pressure once again to figure things out or should I just be? I can afford to just be present in the moment for once in my life. I don't have a husband that I have to rush home and cook dinner for, no children pulling on me as if my body is no longer my own, no one demanding much except that I show up 5 days a week to do what I love; dress up and sing. Why am I still unhappy in this? Can I just live in this space and just be for a little while? Can I allow myself the luxury of watching whatever I want on TV? Not having to share my space or time or attention with or on anyone but myself? And why is this so difficult for me? Why is the green always greener on the other side of the fence? Just something to ponder.
Today on the train I was watching on old podcast of the TODAY show they said that the earth could be swallowed up in a black hole. I felt the fear and panic of all the things I haven't done in life, all that I would loose. I was reminded of something my mother once said, 'I only focus on the bad things in my life'. For once I will stop and smell the roses. Or the cherry blossoms.
Outside of my window I can understand something. Loud, very loud Karaoke, amidst children yelling. Children sound the same no matter the language. Someone is singing, "We Are The Champions" off key.
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