94

I banged my leg today on a shopping cart.  It hurt so badly I almost threw up.  Now that is pain.  I wasn't sure I would ever walk again.  The pain subsided and I recovered and all was well.  Such is life.  The good, the bad the ugly pass and are replaced by more good, bad and ugly....and beautiful and special and surprising and what not.

Two shows left......................93

Just when you start to find your rhythm curtains up!  Why is that?  I was missing my father before the show tonight to the point of tears.  And he came from wherever he is and sat right in the center of my heart.  I looked up into the nothingness that we call air and mused to myself, "Is this real?"  Or is it my minds way of coping with life.  Whatever the answer I was healed and transformed and have a feeling that someone in the audience, cast and me were transformed a bit to.  I guess that's all that matters and thats all we have really.  What motivates us.

My shoes 92

omg I didn't write TWO days in a row and NOT on purpose.  So many things going through my mind.  I let someone wear my shoes today.  Two things about that.  I wish I were not attached to things so much.  They are just shoes.  Secondly I have great taste.  Those shoes looked good on that girl and I was like, yah no you gotta take those off! What does it mean when someone walks in your shoes?

Christmas Day a play by play 91

6:15  Arise and shine.  Sent Kia a text, "I'm Up" We planned to go to our schoolmates church up the road for an 8am Christmas service.  It is cold outside.  Mom is still in bed rushed the dog outside for a quick pee and off to be with Kia and her family.  Ahh family.
8:15  Service @ Abundant Life Fellowship (I think that is the name) church.  Very nice short and sweet service.  Wow why do I know the words to the scripture?  Oh it is in the show "Black Nativity" that I am starring in.  Look at Aubrey up there giving the good word of light and love for the holiday.  Listening to all of the praises of thanksgiving and gratitude for the past year.  He had everyone speak as if they were at the manger speaking to Jesus himself, 'Jesus I am so grateful for...."  It was so nice to hear all the young people talk of the joys of life.  A woman got up and shared that she lost her daughter 3 months ago to the day.  Wow and she was thankful.
9:30 Back to Kia's with the kids.  Eating momma Marilyn's quiche.  I love Kia and her family.  We did the math on how long we have been friends.  I told her she couldn't tell the world because of course I am an actress and the world can't know.  But I am proud of how long we have been voluntary friends.  Not bonded by anything but kindred love for one another.  Kia taught me so many valuable lessons of friendship.  I recounted the story to her family of how when we were in high school I was jealous and talking about her to some other school mates and the word got back to her.  Many people would have turned that into an ugly scene from some bad high school TV show or movie.  But my Kia pulled my collar and told me that she heard I was talking about her and that since we were friends, best friends she thought, and that she never spoke badly about me that she did not expect or accept that behavior from me and that I should, 'get it together'.  I agreed apologized and we moved on.  Now that's friendship.
10:45 Went two doors down to Janet's because I saw a family friend outside and said hello and Merry Christmas.  Janet showed me the beautiful necklace her son's got her for Christmas.  She was moved to tears.
11:00 Home.  'Wake up mom!' We are headed with dog in tow to the Jefferson's.  Friends and family since before I can remember.  They have a pajama brunch Christmas.  Casual and full of good food and lot's of love.

1pm  John & Omega's.  It was a great time but I just was not happy.  I tried to be.  I read a great post on Facebook about just even if you are blue to just not be because it is Xmas!!!  Christ was born!  To save you and me!  I was still blue but able to see what and where gratitude is.  We ate.  Puzzled a butterfly puzzle.  Laughed.  My lil dog Kichi-Bao was even there playing with Stanley a dog 5 times her size.  I want a family of my own....and that is clear.  My life is exciting and wonderful.  And not but AND I would love to enhance it by having a loving family of my own.  So many people say it is over-rated well then just about everything is so you might as well go for what you want and take the good with the bad.

4pm Dinner and Bev and Dave's.  Family friends.  Moments of sadness but those two lil lil ones just made my day.  Good food.  Some talk.  Said a terrible thing about myself that I regret.  Wonder why I said that.  Do I really believe that or am I just saying what I think you are thinking?  So tired, so drained. Too tired to go to Philly where I know I will be around less family folk and more single fun folk but I just am sooooo tired, worn down and need to be still.  Plus I have a show tomorrow.......but it will be fun.........take care of yourself my friend..........okay!

9pm Back to John and Meg's.  I wanted a re-take on my shoulder and I forgot my Xmas t-shirt which was by the way hilarious.  Opened my gift from my bestie..........spa day!!!!!!  And that is the long and the short of it.  In times like these I realize I am a bit vulnerable, a bit sad, a bit all over the place and it is okay.  I accept myself even in this state because this to is a part of me.  Aspects.  What is in order is a bit of tender loving care.  The spa is what I need, what I want and where I will be spending some alone time this week.  Yes and Merry Xmas. 

Merry Christmas 90

Well at least its not Thanksgiving.  And I have to be all grateful.....did I just say that?  Yeah it was a rough day for this Rochester.  With-holding not included.  I am grateful as always but in a bahumbug sort of way.   Christmas is a time for family and while I am grateful to have my mother I am so aware of the missing parts.  It is a lonely time for me I must admit.  Its strange there are some things I do so well.  I am talented and I know what I know about my craft.  I know it.  Some people are amazed by what I do but it is as if it is ...........just was interrupted by a phone call from a dear friend and I am in a whole notha place.  A good cry and a lil self forgiveness go a long way baby.  Merry Christmas.  Sorry the sob story was cut short but I ain't sad no mo!

And a Child Shall Lead Them 89

Someone completely blew my mind away today.  Told me about myself to my face and I was shocked at what my fear and manifested and how unconscious I was about the whole thing.  Thankful that this person took the time to speak to me with the integrity that I seek and was not reflecting and I was "checked" best believe.  I love it, I love life.

88

,,,,,,,,,,,,,..........................