Compassionate Self Forgiveness

WARNING: extremely personal. I have learned that guilt and judgment are the things that bind us and place us in hell. The internal torture is profound.
Once I started this last night I could not stop. I woke up in a panic and just felt bad about everything. I knew what to do thanks to my USM self-counseling skills. I got to it. And I am telling you, if you are feeling bad or "upset" about anything and I mean anything. I can guarantee not 100% or money back but just assure you that you can best believe underneath that feeling is a judgment and that judgment has a weight to heavy to carry. I had to lay down my burdens last night. Down by that riverside.

excerpt from my journal

I am centering myself inside myself invoking my inner counselor and go
I forgive myself for judging myself as unhealthy
I forgive myself for judging myself as toxic
I forgive myself for judging myself as lazy
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-destructive.
I forgive myself for judging myself as confused.
I forgive myself for judging myself as not enough.
I forgive myself for judging myself as less than.
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving
I forgive myself for judging myself as out of control
I forgive myself for judging myself as sick
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as needy
I forgive myself for judging myself as jealous
I forgive myself for judging myself as petty
I forgive myself for judging myself as having no wheel power
I forgive myself for judging myself as less than
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving
I forgive myself for judging myself as bad
I forgive myself for judging myself as unaware
I forgive myself for judging myself as unconscious
I forgive myself for judging myself as manipulative
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that in order to have my way I have to somehow be impaired
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that I have to be sick with cancer in order to be motivated.
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that I am sick with cancer and that I have a death wish

I am a divine being having a human experience and I have a life wish. I wish for life, love, health, courage, beauty, fitness, joy, bliss, peace, wealth, sensuality, femininity, prosperity, fertility, compassion, empathy and love

day 3

okay whatever!!!
I have been up since 5am and it is now 3:49 am. I am not happy but not hungry. I don't think its about food but it was kinda hard today. I love love loved the fruit and veggies I ate but its a lot of work eating every hour or so. Its funny because I am not hungry at all right now. wow. Fruits and veggies and more fruits and veggies in various forms. My only cheat today was a teaspoon (or so) of ranch dressing on my broccoli, pepper (red and green), and cucumber salad. It was scrumptious. My love for fruits and veggies is coming alive again. It is so important to get five a day in and eating them all day reminds me of this. My body integrates them into energy so swiftly, quickly and efficiently I wonder why I don't naturally do this. But maybe that is what a fast is for, to get me back to the basics. Yeah, simple is better. In everything.

Kanji, Hiragana, Katakana

Did you know that there are 3, that's right I said 3 Japanese alphabets??? Kanji the most difficult are the Chinese characters in the Japanese language. This must date back to some historical thing when the two were one. I am certain my ignorance is showing here because maybe I should know this but I do know more than a friend that asked if I would take a taxi to China during my stay. But the Japanese generally speaking are not fond of the Chinese. This is a broad steryotype that I have actually experienced. Maybe that is why Kanji is so darn hard to comprehend, understand or master.
Hiragana and Katakana are a bit easier. I can recognize some of these characters and it comes in handy on the train. Thank God they have English and lots of pictures as well though. Hiragana symbols represents a sound in Japanese. In Japanese foreign names are generally written using the phonetic Katakana alphabet. So like, when I was in the hospital last month My IV did not have my English name by phonetically it was my name. The nurse would come in to verify the new bag of antibiotics and say, "Matt-a-ryn Rudchita?" I would respond, "Hai"

It also helps when taking the bus to COSTCO. Yes there is one here and I love it. It brings me great joy to get a real hot dog and slice of pizza from as it is pronounced "Costa-co"

Fasting Day 2 con't

This was hard!!! It is 9:29pm and I am full but between 7 and 9 were the hardest two hours of the day. I had the worst headache, I guess my body ridding itself of all those toxins. Or me beginning to starve to death. But I was full. I realized I maybe was not consuming enough energy even though my stomach was full so I made a huge salad before our last show which is at 6:48. I know wierd time. It had spinach, cucumber, red and green pepper, and a tomato. I thought it was too much but I gobbled it down with some zero cal. dressing. I made a cup of tea and left after the show. By the time I got into a taxi to go home I had a headache and was hungry again. I walked to the Ito Yokata a like mini mall place down the street from where we live and got some stuff for more soup, I'm out of soup and a baked potato. By the time I got into my apartment I was ravished. I couldn't microwave that baby fast enough sauteed some onions but some balsamic vinegar in and down the hatch. The beast is calm for now so I think it best I go to sleep.

Why am I doing this again?

Fasting Day 2

Okay so just a recap from last night. I went to Monsoon at Ikspirari and ordered the green curry. It had some white stuff through it that looked like fresh cream and it had coconut milk in it which I tried to convince myself was a fruit. I made the decision to eat it and took one gulping spoonful and almost choked to death! Hotsuya neh??? It was spicy as all get out! I could feel the spice permeating my scars inside my throat like electricity traveling a current. Yikes! I am happy to report that the spiciness of the soup actually helped me. I picked all the veggies out, left the corn and ate them and ordered some mango juice that I pray had no added sugar. Honestly I didn't care because I needed something to take the bite out of the hot a@# soup! I also had a spoonfull of rice. Okay so I slipped for a spoon of rice. Over all I think day 1 ended not to badly.

Day 2 is all about the veggies. Getting all that chloraphyl into the body. Getting everything moving and detoxing! I started the day off with 2 glasses of water. I then went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elyptical trainer. They really make you sweat more than the treadmill. Which is probably why I have always avoided them. I was telling myself that I don't need the gym because I will need my energy for all the detoxing but I felt really crappy and tired when I woke up and I felt energized and hungry as heck when I finished. I got to the theater, had my soup watched Dexter with Emma and drank tea, water, paused the show to go to the 'loo' nice stuff I tell ya and chomped away on some veggies. Good stuff.

So far so good. I think I will make it. It's all in the decision I believe. Me deciding that this is what I was gonna do. Anyone out there worried or stressed take heart from Goethe I love this quote of his.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too." (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749-1832)

Fasting

Okay so fasting is defined as "... the act of willingly abstaining from some or all food, drink, or both, for a period of time. A fast may be total or partial concerning that from which one fasts, and may be prolonged or intermittent as to the period of fasting. Fasting practices may preclude sexual activity as well as food, in addition to refraining from eating certain types or groups of foods; for example, one might refrain from eating meat. A complete fast in its traditional definition is abstinence of all food and liquids except for water."

I am doing it for 7 reasons. I mean seven days. But I will follow this Freuadian slip with 7 reasons for fasting.
1. If u need to loose weight you will. I do so that is good.
2. It detoxifies the liver, lymphatic system, glandular, colon it the cleans you out.
3. I will feel energized. And I am tired. I have been so tired from the surgery and all the medication I have been on.
4. Okay this is getting hard. I will excercise loving discipline. The root word of discipline is disciple. So I will be loving my temple, my body. It needs some loving attention.
5. Having a sense of renewed energy, oh I already said that. But I just yawned so I really mean it.
6. I wanna look cuter than I already am when J comes to visit.
7. Cuz the SECRET says if I want it I CAN do it!!!!!

So I am doing this 7 day cleanse where I am eating mostly fruits, veggies and then towards the end meats and brown rice. So I am doing the fast type that limits certain things like sugar, flour, and starches not a complete fast. The website about fasting has a lot of info and I will be sure to say something each day about it.

So I basically ate too much yesterday but because I have been eating 6 times a day I think my stomach is shrinking so I was full almost all day. I went to The Hub to have a light dinner with Jayson Holley and then didn't even want a drink and basically forced myself to have chicken wings and risotto. Chris Boyd then invited me to his room for a X-mas party. He had homemade eggnog, gluhwine, fried chicken, deviled eggs, ginger cookies. Then Dai came over with these cheesy Japanese rice snacks. Which are by the way AMAZING. I got home stuffed and before I could guilt myself into feeling bad I got to sauteeing garlic, carrots, celery, mushrooms, peppers, and a host of other veggies. Packed my napsack for the day and was off to bed to watch SIX FEET UNDER my night cap. I am on Season 4.

Today was okay but I must say the prep work I did the night before really helped. The soup was made and put into containers. My watermelon was sliced and diced and the kiwi, tangerines, some pretty asian fruit I don't know the name of, papaya, strawberries, blueberries and apples were already ready and so was I!!!

I went to the gym on my way to work but my bag was too heavy so I just dropped off clothes in my locker so that I know I can go and not bring sneakers. In Japan's gym do not allow outside sneakers. You can rent sneakers or bring another pair that you wear only to the gym.

So I am at work and I have had two cups of my organic veggie soup. And fruit. I need to drink more water but I feel better, good, and I do not full hungry or weak or anything. I think it is primarily because my insulin levels really never get low with the sugar in the fruit.

I am supposed to go to Monsoon which is located at IKSPIARI at Disney and I hope they have some good soups. And I do remember that I am a Weight Watcher leader so I will click on the link and decide NOW what I am going to have.....I will have a soup. I may have a curry soup with veggies but I need to check to make sure there is no milk. I will have milk in 3 days. So if all else fails I will have salad with no dressing. Onward and Upward!!!!!!

GRATITUDE

I am grateful to all of you who comment on my blogs they mean so much to me. I feel that we are all on this journey and doing the best we can so its nice to feel the give and take in this blog relationship. Thanks for all your comments!